What if God asks us to do something crazy that seems totally out of His character, not because He’s actually wanting us to do something out of His character but because He wants to reveal to us where our hearts are at?
In July, I was standing in worship when I felt God poke at me, “Frieda, why do you want to get your Master’s in Counseling?” I was feeling pretty confident when my response was, “I want to be well equipped, well trained, and informed to serve others.” And then I felt it again— “Why do you want to go back and get another Master’s?” I was a little confused and started to answer the same way I had the first time but I felt it deep in my soul— “God, I want to go back because, in my own strength, I want to be equipped to help others.” I started kinda freaking out thinking, “But, God, if I don’t get my Master’s now, I probably never will. What am I going to do when I get home?! I’ve already been accepted into the program and am supposed to start in January 2020!” I feel God often chuckles at me and the way I come around to things. “I am not telling you to not go get your Master’s. I want to know what is it that you want more than anything?” My answer was more dangerous than I realized in that moment: “I want to depend on You. I want to know Your voice. I want to know Your discernment over my own experiences and my own knowledge.”
And, boy, did God show Himself faithful in that desire. If you’ve been reading my blogs or we’ve talked, you know that I experienced this in a crazy and amazing way while I was team leading.
But what most of you don’t know is that I let go of the idea of getting another Master’s degree and then was almost immediately introduced to a new opportunity— an Internship at a Leadership Academy in Spain. Originally, I applied to start in March 2020 just to appease a friend who was convinced that’s when I would be going. However, my initial plan was to apply for March 2020 but then defer to September 2020 once I got accepted.
I wanted to go home and work (maybe so that I didn’t have to fundraise as much), see all my friends and family without a rush, see Latino Cultural Connections through, etc. etc. etc. And, so, I did. I prayed about it and felt peace about deferring to September. No big deal. That was at the end of August.
In October, we were worshipping and I felt a familiar nudge: “Frieda, why are you choosing to take back what you once had given over to Me?” In this specific instance, God was talking to me about the non-profit I had helped start—Latino Cultural Connections. But I knew there was so much more that I was taking back from God that I had already let go of. And coming back to Ohio was a big part of that.
I called my interviewer for the Leadership Academy and told her I was struggling— I was starting to feel like maybe I should be going in March instead of September. I exposed my concerns and my true doubts about it all. And she expressed her thoughts, as well. This was a Thursday. Then she asked me not to talk to anyone and to spend the weekend asking the Lord what He really wanted me to do and she would talk to others at the Academy and pray about it, too. We’d talk again the following Monday.
“Okay, Lord. Yes? Or no? March? Or September?”
I didn’t really get an answer for the first couple of days and I was starting to panic. But I kept thinking of Abraham and Isaac… not too sure why.
“Come on, God. You had given me so much peace about September already. Why this now?”
And then I went to Genesis 22 and I asked, “God, why would you ask Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac?” It seemed so out of His loving character, right? So, I read it through to Genesis 24 and I prayed. I’m looking at my journal entry when I was going through the Scriptures and I wrote, “I was thinking about how you told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac— the son whom he loved. But You didn’t actually want him to sacrifice Isaac. You revealed his heart posture to him and to You through that.” This was not so much a test to produce faith, as it was to reveal faith.
And, that’s when it hit me…
“God, what do You want from me?”
“Daughter, I want your heart.”
Psalm 139
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Matthew 9:13 I desire mercy, not sacrifice.
What if we saw in Scripture that God means it when He says He does not want our sacrifice or the result of our choices, but rather He wants our hearts. My actions or my choices mean little if my heart is against God but if my heart posture is for the Lord, will He not be please with my choices?
I believe this is the characteristic of God— He wants my heart.
So, on a Monday, I shared this with my interviewer and she beamed, “well,after talking to people here and praying, Holy Spirit is giving me peace about you coming in March.” See, I had already made up my mind I’d go whenever…but I REALLY did want to go in March.
So, ladies and gentleman, I’ll be interning with the G42 Leadership Academy starting March 2020. More information to come 🙂
Remember that God cares more about our hearts than our religious traditions.
