The Call
Two weeks ago I received a phone call from a sweet older gentleman. He had read an article in our local newspaper about my going on the World Race— http://www.timesreporter.com/news/20180211/new-philadelphia-teacher-frieda-ibarra-planning-11-country-11-month-mission-trip. He was reaching out because He had some questions. He wanted to know what I was doing in my life that had led me to a brokenness that allowed me to experience the Lord more intimately. What a wonderful opportunity to share my testimony. But then he asked me another question— was it hard for me to believe that God was good even after I had seen how much hurt He allowed to happen in my own life and the life of others. My immediate response was that, although it may be painful, I had to believe in His goodness. I just had to. We carried on our conversation and talked more about it.
The Question
Last Thursday, the 22nd, was Human Trafficking Awareness Day. The conversation I had had with the older gentleman just a week before was at the forefront of my mind that day. I was thinking about the horrors behind the existing facts on human trafficking in present day. I was thinking about my students and their families and their vulnerability that puts them at high risk for human trafficking. And I had to ask myself the question, do I really believe that God is good all the time?
The Answer
This past Tuesday was a rough day. It was a day of grieving for me. So many fears and anxious thoughts consumed me. I was aching for the 11 months that I would not be with my students, my friends, my family, my community. I’m TERRIFIED of coming back after the Race to a place that I may not recognize. I am TERRIFIED of not “belonging” the way I feel I do now. I’m TERRIFIED that I won’t be strong enough to stay in this area and adjust after being gone for 11 months.
The truth is that with all of my head knowledge, I do believe that God is good and that He loves His children, including me. But I am realizing that my head knowledge is not always in harmony with my soul’s fears. My question has become, do I really TRUST the Lord? In the storm, through the heartache, and in the valley low, do I trust that He works all things for good?
No, not always. I say that I do but I see that my actions often show otherwise. I let my fears, anxieties, and desires take over and I try, in my own strength, to take control of my own life, the life of others, or of my situations.
In admitting my own brokenness in this area, I have desired more to know God and to learn to truly develop in intimate relationship with Him that will lead me to trust Him more— trust His Word, His goodness, His love. I know it won’t be easy as it requires a certain level of vulnerability that is often very uncomfortable; but, I know it is going to be so worth it.
// Give me faith to trust what You say // That You’re good and Your love is great // I’m broken inside, I give You my life //
