Before leaving the field, I was working through some processing questions and one of them was “What parts of community on the Race do you want to bring with you after the Race?” And as I come up on the day where I step back into the home I said goodbye to a year and four months ago, I’ve been thinking more and more about what community looks like for me now.
It slightly terrifies me that relationships have changed…and will continue to change. It slightly kills me that I missed out on celebrating so many joyous occasions with loved ones or that I wasn’t there to grieve through some difficult things with my friends in Ohio. I’ve lived through some things in this time and so have you. But I’ve also been part of some joys and some valleys through new friends and family these past 15 months.
So, as I was thinking of community, I remembered my time in Kazakhstan. This was probably my favorite month, this time around. We worked with a local church and their soup kitchen ministry for the homeless, their family center housing recovering addicts, we spent time with the youth group, enjoyed their village ministry, and spent time with kiddos. And, not for a minute, did any of these things feel like programs or ministry— it simply felt like “family.”
In August 2018, a squad leader on the field gave me the word “kind” and said that she felt God showing her Ephesians 4 and 6 for me. Yeah…I actually didn’t read it nor did I ask the Lord what it meant. In October 2018, Ephesians 6 really stood out to me as our squad was working with a ministry where we experienced a lot of spiritual darkness with the ministry we worked with. In December 2018/January 2019, a few friends and I started going through the book “The Unseen Realm” which began to challenge my beliefs and authority in the spiritual realm. I began walking in spiritual enforcement in a way that used to be extremely foreign to me…and I was, maybe, a little skeptical of before.
In August 2019, I spoke Genesis 6 over the team I was leading as we struggled with disunity and with spiritual attacks. Still unaware, really, of what it all truly meant, I kept searching for insight and came across a podcast on Spiritual Warfare by The Bible Project. In this podcast, Tim states that the Ephesians 6 passage referring to the “armor of God” shouldn’t be appropriated as passages about spiritual warfare of demonic attack; rather, they should be seen as warnings against elevating differences above unity in the body of Christ. The point of Ephesians is for the church to learn how to live in unity with a group of diverse people. Therefore a spiritual warfare attack is when Christians are not living in unity.
Talk about community…
I don’t know how much I really have mentioned or not but our team REALLY struggled to get along. I was often disappointed, heartbroken, and frustrated at the disunity we experienced. I fought hard for each of them. But, then, I hit Month 3 in Kazakhstan and I was done. There was very little in me that wanted to choose that team. There was also very little in me that wanted to choose the ministry we were working with that month— particularly, working with people who were homeless and with alcoholics. I wanted to choose who to love. I wanted to be able to truly “relate“ to the people I was working with through similar experiences or whatever.
And I felt guilty for feeling this way! But I knew that God had something to show me through this so I thought about the last time I felt that strongly about not wanting to work with the particular ministry we were with and I thought of Month 3 on my Race in Colombia where we also worked with a restoration and transition program for addicts and worked with the local at-risk community. And, full freaking circle, I remembered the word “kind” and the chapters in Ephesians.
I realized that all the selfish thoughts I was reveling in weren’t because of anything others were or weren’t doing. In fact, my total lack for choosing other people in these instances were more a reflection of me and my spirit. I had chosen not to be kind because I was tired of dying to my self. I was tired of the spiritual warfare. And, slowly, I had given the battle over to the enemy.
Thank the Lord that He uses these nasty reflections of my heart to show me something, because once He did, I felt convicted and I felt my heart shift. And it ended up being my favorite month:) And I feel like I ended well with the team I was leading. As we left our ministry, I openly shared with them that our team had been struggling for the past few months to love each other well and to be kind. But their love for each other was SO contagious that it was shaping us. Yes, they ministered more to us than we probably did to them. That is Kingdom.
Wherever I go next, I hope I continue to realize that the “parts of community” that I want to carry with me have nothing to do with World Race culture but rather have everything to do with my heart. I choose to be kind. I choose unity.
