‘Papa’
Do you use that word? …I didn’t.
Yeah, I called my dad “Papi” in Spanish. That was the only way I knew to address him. But after he left, I avoided using that term as much as I could. In fact, when I became a citizen two years ago, I was seriously considering changing my name so as to sever my ties with my dad’s name— Ibarra. But I thought people would have an even harder time with Schnapauff (my mother’s maiden name) as my last name. So, I kept my name— Frieda Renée Ibarra.
Names matter. They hold a part of who we are, they tell a story about our identity.
So, when, at Training Camp in June, I heard others refer to God as ‘Papa’ and ‘Abba,’ I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get myself to address God that way. It wasn’t just an “unfamiliarity” with the word that bothered me, it was the fact that my soul seemed to cringe at the thought of calling God ‘Papa.’
I mean, what was wrong with me?
I had “daddy issues”…
I have “daddy issues”…
Most of you know the story. Some of you may only know bits and pieces. But, to wrap it all up, know that I hadn’t told my dad I loved him since 2011. If we ever did talk on the phone, it was because my mom pretty much forced me to.
At one point, I thought I had forgiven my dad and moved on. But, my uncomfortability with calling God ‘Papa’ or ‘Abba’ showed me different.
Since June, I took a new journey with God where I asked Him to reveal Himself to me as a Good Father and to help me redefine what it looked like to me to see God as a Father.
I started praying and addressing Him as ‘Papa,’ I journaled and wrestled with Him about His goodness and His provision. To be honest, I didn’t really think there was TOO much changing in me. Sure, I noticed that addressing God as ‘Papa’ was now natural to me and knowing Him as a loving Father was easier to understand but it didn’t feel like this “cinematic song playing in the background”progression.
But, about a month and a half ago, I was talking to my dad on the phone and as we were saying goodbye, he said his usual “I love you” statement that I have only responded “thank you” to for the last few years. And, almost naturally, I responded with “I love you.” I heard him chuckle in surprise as we hung up. There was no way he hadn’t noticed.
Afterward, I talked to God and realized that He had been working in me in very subtle ways that brought me a lot of healing. And I hadn’t even really noticed until the words “I love you” were coming out of my mouth.
I needed a Father fix. And a Mother fix. Really, I needed a Relationship fix.
Todd White reminded me that “The greatest attack of the enemy is on marriage and fathers.” I watched that happen in my own home and I’ve watched it around the world. And I’m probably going to continue to see it everywhere I go.
But I know my Father and He knows me. I choose to put my value on my Heavenly Father and not my “daddy issues.”
So, my name is still Frieda Renée Ibarra, and I don’t cringe at the ties that my last name represents anymore.
God is a Redeemer. Papa is a Redeemer. My relationship with my biological dad is still being redeemed.
