I entered this race with high hopes of what might happen for me: I had things I wanted to learn and ways in which I wanted to grow, I had expectations (which we’re given space to lay down at training camp but most of us realise along the race that we never did like we thought we did) about places, people and myself.
The first month of the race was amazing, I was in a new culture for what felt like the first time (previous trips to the US don’t count and even other places I had been seemed slightly removed whereas the race presents a total immersion in a location) and I was hearing God give me words and things more readily than I ever had before.
But after the first month I seemed to dry up. Sure I was still getting to do a variety of works, experience exciting new places and cultures, meet interesting new people and so on, and yes I was still having an amazing time. But at the same time there was little I felt I was learning or growing in spiritually, and I no longer felt I was receiving words to share with people. For the next 2 and a half months I really felt a bit stagnant. Like I had come into the race experiencing a lot and then in terms of this side of things like I had gone down to 5% of what I had.
Halfway through last month is when things picked up. Not long before, someone had told me that God was going to unveil my eyes and that after that the floodgates would open. And that has been my experience. The problem is it started with something really humbling – I had to learn the truth about myself.
And here’s the truth – I am an arrogant fool. I sat in one of our team meetings one evening and finally noticed this. As one of the girls was talking, sharing about her experiences, about what God was saying to her, I caught myself thinking some arrogant things. I felt like I wanted her to finish talking so we could move on. I had judged that her experiences were different to mine and so there was nothing I could glean from this. I wanted my opportunity to talk. Then God spoke to me: “You feel like you’re not hearing from me, and yet here is someone sharing about how she hears from me, and you’re judging your life as superior to hers?”. And my world came crashing down. ‘I am an arrogant fool’ I spent some time contemplating the next morning.
When I look back on the year so far I don’t think I ever consciously held the attitude that I did, but the truth is that that attitude was there, that it was pervasive and that it has held me back from so many things. I came on the race with an attitude of “I’ve spent years in full time ministry, I’ve been involved in many Christian endeavours during my time at University, I’m gifted and I have a lot of wide read understanding – if anyone is going to be learning from someone else this year, those on my squad will get to learn from me”.
Realising that broke me. I sat there with tears welling up as I realised how conceited I had spent the last four months being. I realised how wrong all of those thoughts were – how I am not as important as I seemed to think I was, how I had thought that my views on things were always right when I could actually be wrong about things, how other people’s experiences and what they have learned from them can actually be really valuable to me. I realised how un-teachable I had really been and how I had missed out on learning so much so far because I seemed to think I already had it down.
It shames me to admit all of that, but it’s true and it’s what God has revealed to me. Since then, however, I have managed to learn so much – the floodgates truly did open. I have been open to listening in ways that I hadn’t been doing thus far, I have spent time thinking more fully through any and every issue instead of mentally deciding “I already have that thought through” and I have been able to be intentional in wanting to learn from others.
I am also really excited, because I have realised that there are 41 other people on my squad who can teach me things, be an example to me and be used by God to speak to me. In fact the girl who was speaking in the meeting I mentioned above is the person I feel I have learnt the most from so far.
So that’s the truth about me. It’s something I still have to actively counter in conversations, in meetings and in my thinking – to purposefully seek lessons and resists judgements. But my journal is brimming again with challenges and revelations and understandings and I am excited (if potentially overwhelmed by it all) as to how much God is going to be working on and in me in the coming seven months.
So, and I have to issue this question because I didn’t realise I was living under this myself, are you living arrogantly? Do you walk around assuming that you know best and that the things that people say that don’t fit into your understanding don’t warrant consideration? Do you subconsciously think you have information that other people should really be learning from you? Or do you simply discount other people’s experiences as not related to you and something you can’t learn from? Honestly think about, because it took a direct challenge from God for me realise it in myself. He has much to teach us and it is all amazing.
