One of the things I have been learning over the last couple of weeks is that I am not who I think I am. This isn’t to say that I’m having a crisis of identity, or that I’ve discovered something horrific about myself, or anything like that. Rather, I’ve discovered that the things I would have identified myself as are not things that necessarily matter too much here. And what’s been great is that whereas before I might have expected these things to get to me or upset me, they haven’t bothered me at all. It’s hard to explain just like that so let me share some examples instead.
- It can be small things – for instance, I have always considered myself someone who will eat the spicier foods, or try some of the crazier foods on offer, but here I do not stand out in this way at all. We have all tried some crazy foods, and it is one of the others on my team who is considered to be the one we will test out spicy foods on (no one ever asked me about it :-P).
- It can be big things – such as leadership, which I have been given none of this year and which initially felt weird because of having been in leadership positions for the last 6+ years. I am able instead to engage with the front line work I’m doing without having to worry about any higher up responsibilities whatsoever (which is great because when I first thought of this year I was going to do it alone without a team or responsibilities of that nature anyway).
And it can be anything in between, such as:
- I thought myself ok at picking up new languages (I learned more vocab than any of my group in the eight days I was in the Ukraine), but in the Philippines we had a Tagalog speaker on team and here we have a Mandarin speaker, so anything I might achieve is unnoticed.
- I considered youth work a strength (because of the time I spent doing it with Youth for Christ and also the schools work I did at University), but I’m on team with a teacher and a youth pastor who have more in depth experience than I do, so my input is just one amongst several.
- I think I’m ok musically, but this month I’m also working alongside someone who has come from being a music pastor and is more talented at guitar than I currently am. I will likely be taking more of a back seat than last month in this respect.
- I enjoy helping out with maths, but I’m not one of the finance coordinators on a team (plus this month I’m working alongside an accountant on the other team) and so I’m not approached about anything numbers related.
- Climbing was on one of my past times at Uni, but some of my team are more avid climbers than I am.
There are probably a few other things like this, but the point is not the things themselves. Rather the thing I have felt is that whilst I would have perhaps highlighted these as things that made me ‘me’, none of them stand out any more. I don’t say this because any of this is upsetting to me, because none of it has been, but rather because I have come to realise or remember that they are not really what make me ‘me’.
Every time I might feel “but that’s what I’m known for”, I immediately think “but that’s not who I am” and I remember that: my “life is hid with Christ on high”; that I am a child of God; that I am growing into the likeness and attitude of Jesus; that I will, this year and beyond, continue to lose who I think I am as I find who I really am in Him; and that I am here and I live to advance the Kingdom.
Who cares who I am or who I thought I was? What rocks is who I am becoming and who I will be because of Him.
