“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” – 1 John 4:10
Lately I’ve been thinking about my reasoning for doing things in life. What’s been my driving point, my reason for existing? When I was a little girl, I remember so clearly thinking, “I guess I should want to go to school. Maybe I’ll be a Veterinarian or something. But I know I’ll never really use it because what’s going to happen is that I’ll get married and have kids and that’ll be life. My husband will work so I don’t technically have to go to school do I?” My husband… I’ve always wanted to get married. The idea of love has always been so beautiful to me. To have someone to spend life with, love you completely and always be there with you has always appealed to me. I think it also came from a huge fear of being alone. I hate the thought of being single my whole life, it terrifies me. I keep myself so busy just to keep from having to spend an evening at the apartment by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I need alone time just like the next person. But I don’t like to have too much or have it too often.
My whole life I’ve lived with the thought of finding a husband and settling down. I’ve always looked for someone to spend life with. Every guy I used to meet, I’d think “Is this the one? Is he the right person?” I wanted so badly to be loved, to be wanted by someone, to go on adventures and share experiences with someone. I was always looking for the next guy. I was living solely for the purpose of being with whatever man it was at the time. He came first. In between relationships, I’d be looking for the next one. I couldn’t go 4 months (yes, I counted) without being interested in someone, talking to someone, or trying to make things happen.
Living with this one reason for life, you run into a lot of disappointments. Relationships don’t work out, he doesn’t feel as strongly as you do for him, he doesn’t give you the type of love you feel like you’re putting into the relationship or you feel like you’re not doing enough for him or don’t feel how you should about him. It left me feeling so empty, so unwanted, and like I was never going to be enough for someone. I kept asking myself, “What about me is not good enough? What do I need to change? Why am I not wanted? What am I lacking that so many other people have?”
You know that phrase What I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time? I’ve always used it for a man and woman. But using it between two humans couldn’t be less accurate. That phrase is true for me. It applies to God and I so perfectly. After my last relationship fell through, I flat out gave up. I was hurt and confused about why things never worked for me. I was mad at God for letting this happen again. But instead of looking for the next one or burying myself in partying like I had in the past, I turned completely to God. Even though I was angry, I cried out to Him more than I ever had. I searched for Him wholeheartedly and clung to His every promise, every whisper, every word I could hear Him say. I read tons of books about Him and buried myself in my bible. I put Him above all other wants in life, and I FINALLY heard his love song for me. I finally broke through this idea that I need another human to make myself feel complete. This whole time that I’ve been looking for a man, God’s been right in front of me, loving me for who I am, wanting me so desperately and wanting me to want Him in the same way. I’m enough for Him! I’m wanted! The God of the universe, the maker of the heavens and Earth, the God that breathed life into us, He wants me! I get to go share experiences with Him, go on adventures with Him, or even just sit at home enjoying an evening alone with Him. I can’t write out the extent of my feelings in this blog. I can’t express the love I feel, the desperateness that I have for Him. The love and joy, unimaginable, incredible, breath-taking love and joy I feel is so intense! I’m so in love with my savior and I strive so much for an intimate relationship with Him!
My whole reason for living has changed. I’m no longer looking to live for my pleasure, my wants or my dreams. All I want is to bring God glory through my life. I want my life to be an example to others of what they can have with God. Who could have what I’ve found and hide it from the rest of the world? I want them to see Him through me. I want to do His will. I want to praise His name with my every moment.
I’m not lonely anymore! Along with a relationship with a God who’s never going to leave me, who’s always going to be my constant companion, He’s also brought me the most beautiful friendships. They work and are so close knit because they are all centered around Christ. I’ve never experienced the kind of fellowship I have now and it’s all because of God. I get to do life with some of the most amazing people and I believe God put them in my life so that I can share in the joys of life with them, so that I don’t have to be alone. (I could seriously write a whole other blog just on how much I love these guys and how much I’ve been blessed by them.)
I’ve felt so loved lately, so wanted and like I’m actually worth something. Above all of that, I feel complete. I’m not searching for something to fill the void. I have the most amazing friends, an absolutely incredible, supportive family, and God: my advocate, my friend, my father… My love.
I still have a long way to go. I’m learning more about God every day and I’m growing in my relationship and love for Him constantly. I’m excited for the World Race because of the places and things I’ll get to see, the people I’ll get to meet. But what excites me the most is the growth and closeness I’m going to experience with my Father. I’m so excited for the change He’s going to bring to my heart, the way my life is going to change for Him. I cannot wait!
I hope you all get to experience what I’m experiencing now, because it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt or been through before. Because of His love I live. He is the one and only reason for life, and nothing could be more beautiful than that.
