A Letter to my Squad-mates:
It’s almost time. In less than a month we meet in the middle of country Georgia and begin training for the next year of our life. And I must tell you, I am scared. And it’s not why you’d think.
I can do without the comforts of home and the states. Sleeping in weird places and rarely having a bed doesn’t worry me. Not having running water or a/c doesn’t bother me. I’ve been there already. I find more peace and wholeness when I am sleeping in a hut than in my house.
Not having three large American meals a day doesn’t inconvenience me at all. And while I am learning to eat meat again, I’ve eaten weird things before. I’ve lived off of rice and plantains and beans and PB&J. I don’t worry about that because there’s comfort in knowing God has taken care of my shelter and my food.
Leaving my family and America isn’t what scares me. Going to foreign places where I don’t know the language doesn’t scare me. What scares me is you.
We are about to step into community that we cannot leave or avoid. We are about to get up close and personal with 45-ish other people and can’t walk away. For 11 months, we are stuck together, with all our personalities and quirks and unhealed places. And that scares me. I am scared you won’t want me, and I’m scared I won’t fit in.
I’m older than most of you and have done this enough times to know what we are about to step into. I’ve watched missionaries run into community with unrealistic expectations that it’s going to be happy, and easy, and everyone is going to be friends forever. And I’ve watched it collapse. I’ve been ostracized from communities again and again and again because I didn’t fit in. And it hurts. So I’m not as forth-coming and doe-eyed as everyone. But please don’t write me off.
Please be patient with me. Please understand that community is what I have prayed for and wanted for so long. I want you all. I want to live in uncomfortably close quarters for 11 months. I want to be our own little gypsy clan and know that there are people that love me and support me and call me out when I need it. I want to walk through hard things with the same people by my side. But it may take me a while to truly trust and open up. I won’t spill out my life and struggles and triumphs right away. But have faith and be patient. Because I need you all.
We all need one another. The church is community. The church is family. Our lives together emulate the Kingdom God is bringing. It is a precious and unique thing we have signed up for because of the community that comes with it. Anyone can help people and live in a tent and eat rice for weeks straight. But only God’s people can succeed at living together for a year with all those conditions because it takes grace, patience, forgiveness, joy, understanding, and openness. So please welcome me in and accept me into our family. Because you are the part of this Race that is going to change my life forever.
