I’ve been wanting to write this forever; to sit down and write about the victory I have in Jesus, to tell you all about the inspiration behind my fundraiser shirt. But to be honest, it’s hard to write about something that I’m struggling to feel.
Since I’ve started college, I have struggled with a war I never thought I’d have to face. Battling day in and day out, questioning Who my God is and why He’s choosing to leave me in this war. I pushed people away, I would choose my bed over socializing, in fear of people asking me “how’s college?” or “how are you doing?” The simplest question, that’s apart of everyday, normal conversations, sent me into the pits of my thoughts and I would stay there for the rest of my day, until I could hopefully gain temporary peace through sleep and wake up and do it all over again the next day.
I began to lose sight of who I was in Christ and the image that I used to believe was true. Things like being good enough, being perfect in my quirks and craziness, that I was more than just what people said about me and called me, that I’m beautiful and created for a purpose. I believed the lies satan filled my head with daily over the sacred truths my Jesus died to prove. Negative thoughts overpowered positive ones tenfold. There was no “fighting back,” there wasn’t anything or anyone that could change the way I thought and make me believe anything less than the evil words that saturated my mind.
I felt like I was being overtaken from the inside out. Satan wanted in, to control who I was and who I would become. I had to hide. I hid from my beloved church family, my own family and my friends who I had waited so long to join at college. I couldn’t stand to be around people who were able to be so happy, whether that was faking it until they made it or it was genuine, I was jealous of them and the smiles they could put on their face. I was the girl who ran around church singing and dancing to the joyful praises coming out of the speakers each week. I was the girl who laughed at the most outrageous things that most people didn’t think were funny. I was the girl who unashamedly wore her bright yellow crocs through the halls of her high school during senior year.
But the minute I started allowing satan’s lies to overtake the truths of Jesus, is the minute I began to be the girl who valued peoples opinions over the true desires of her heart. I began to be the girl who was afraid to give her own opinion on anything without knowing the thoughts of the people around her in fear of saying the wrong thing. I lost who I was. The few people who were close to me, that saw the parts of my battle I chose to share with them, began to question who I was becoming and where the girl who could talk to a brick wall, posted about sunflowers and never stopped smiling, went. But the worst part about it was that I didn’t have an answer and I still don’t. I had no idea where she went and where she still is.
The truth is, even as I sit here typing this out, I’m in the midst of this battle.
One Sunday morning, at church, the sweetest lady sang a song I had never heard of, called, Sing Like the Battle is Over by Catherine Mullins. I wrote down the name and knew I needed to keep it for later. It would become my battle cry. The sweet melody is what I ran to when I needed a way to fight the thoughts hammering through my mind, trying to overtake me. I sang, with tears in my eyes, about the sweet victory I have in Jesus, even if I can’t see it yet. I sang, sometimes yelled, about the Voice that breaks down every prison door. I sang, with a strained voice silently begging the God I wanted to trust, to slay the giant and end the war.
But the truth that I missed, forgot, and struggle to believe is that The King has already overcome. His light already breaks through darkness. Victory is already mine, even though I can’t see it yet.
I wish I could tell you all that my giant has been slayed for good, but it hasn’t. My battle still rages and I have good days and I have bad; good seconds/minutes/hours and bad ones.
My fundraiser t-shirt was created from a heart on a good day. The one who could see the light at the end of the tunnel and could see a sliver of victory.
Soon after posting my shirt for sale, the light at the end of the tunnel turned to darkness and my fears of failing at fundraising set in. I began to worry about if I was doing the right thing and if I should just forget about going to a place the Lord so clearly is leading me to. I wanted to give up.
The following Sunday (less than 2 weeks ago) I was at church and Brother Ronnie was praying after his sermon, and I began to pray about this war I’ve been in. Asking the Lord to give me the strength to make it, to give me the strength to get through each day and each battle that comes my way. And He replied to me with, “Faith, quit trying to fight this battle. I just need you to sit still.” I got it. Sit still, let You fight for me. Easy enough right? Not for the girl who plans the next month of her life to the hour, sometimes minute. I crave control over my days and weeks. I want to know what’s happening and when its happening so I can prepare myself and not be surprised. How am I just supposed to sit still? What does that even look like? After I left church, the quick note I left in my bible about what I heard God telling me was forgotten.
Until a week later in the room I deemed my safe place.
Once again I began to worry about fundraising. I wanted to control the things that were happening before a major deadline I have in a month. A surgery. A surgery that will literally leave me unable to speak for weeks, maybe a month before people can even begin to understand the words coming out of my mouth. I’ll be bed bound and enjoying my all-liquid diet through a syringe.
How am I supposed to go out and fundraise when I can’t even get out of bed. My fears grew and grew.
My mom and I had a long talk about it all. In the middle of our talk, she tells me that maybe God is just wanting me to sit still right now and listen. Now, momma O had no idea what I heard God telling me a week ago, and until this moment I had forgotten all about it. Maybe God really did want me to sit still?
Later that night I proceeded to make a late night trip to my youth pastors house to talk to him and his wife. I needed wisdom spoke over my situation and I knew I could trust them to speak what they believed was true, regardless of what that meant for me and that’s what I needed. I told them about this battle I had been going through, my fears of fundraising and the surgery and I kept going on and on about what I needed to do and when it needed to be done. When I needed it to be done. As if I expected anything less than, she said, “maybe God has this surgery scheduled just perfect so that you have nothing to do other than sit still and listen to Him and let Him work.”
Although I still have a month until this deadline, here I am, trying to sit still and let God work. I’m trying to sit with the Lord and let His plan unfold without trying to help, because my God doesn’t need my help. Maybe the only reason I was finally able to write this story, is because it’s no longer my pride of being able to “handle it,” facing everyone that reads it.
I have no idea what’s going to happen next. The battle that rages on in my mind is like a never ending tunnel. But I know there will be an end, because I know I have Victory in Jesus.
There are days I struggle to believe it, because my battle isn’t over yet and I still face this war each and everyday. But I do know the desire of my heart is to dance like the war is over and to sing out loud praises like the battle is won. Because I know that the victory is mine, even though the story He wrote for me hasn’t allowed me to see that yet.
So until your prison doors are opened wide, dance and sing because your King has overcome and there is everlasting victory in Jesus.
Victory is mine before my eyes can see it.
Now there’s nothing that can keep me from my promise
No, I won’t be moved, my hope’s in You
His light breaks through the darkness…
I’ve attached a picture of the t-shirt I am selling! S-XL are $20 (XXL is $2 more), plus $5 if you need it shipped! My goal is to have the t-shirts in and get them delivered by Christmas!! I also have a canvas called “Adopt-a-Piece of Thailand!” I will be posting a monthly update of the boxes that are left but attached to this post is the original picture! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my blog and support the calling the Lord has placed on my life.
