Dear Tedah Mara Grace,
This Christmas God has given me time with you. It is the greatest present I could ever have asked for. You have taught me what love really looks like. I see Christ in you and I am honored to just spend time with you. The first time I saw you my heart melted. I had no idea what God had in store for me but I knew it would be a blessing. The first time I held you in my arms I felt at home. It was if God was holding us together in his arms. It felt so perfect, I never wanted to let you go…and for the most part, I didn't. Your smile is contagious and your joy overflows to others. The first day I spent with you my heart was over whelmed.
The next morning you broke my heart. You were sick and in so much pain. I rushed you to the doctor to get the care you needed but I felt it still wasn't enough. Everyday I visited you and gave you your many medications. I was scared and so I prayed and prayed and prayed. I knew God wasn't finished with you yet. He still had things to teach me through you. Your cries broke me and led me to many tears. I truly learned to trust God in those days, knowing I was not in control and there was nothing I could do. So I let go and let him take total control. Slowly but surly your body started to heal. You started eating again and on one glorious day you pooped. I praised God for that!!!
Each day my heart grows a little more and my love for you strengthens. When you cry and scream for me my heart shatters. When I sit you down and you look at me with those beautiful brown eyes I break down. I want to be with you and never let you go, but God still has more to teach me. When you reach out to me I come running. The day I held you up and you started to move those little legs my heart must have busted from joy. You started to walk and you started to get stronger. Each day you move a little more and hold your head up a little longer. One day you learned how to drink from a bottle. You began to suck the milk and although you got it everywhere you also got some down into your tummy. I was like a child in a candy store, so full of joy and excitement. Baby girl, I am so proud of you and I adore you.
Some days are not always so fun, the pain in your back causes you a lot of tears. I don't know what it is but I pray that God provides total healing. The stronger you become the less pain you feel and the more praise I send to our amazing Heavenly Father. You started teething the other day and the amount of slobber you have cleaned my clothes with is outstanding. One day you even blessed me with a bite on my arm. Yes, you did such a great job it bleed and bruised. Praise God you had your shots! But even that, I count as a love wound because I knew you meant no harm. When I took you to the dentist your sweet snuggles and pretty smile before you went back were what I needed. I hated holding you down and making you cry but I know your teeth needed the cleaning. Thank you for being so brave. Each day I find a new joy in you. I find something you have learned and some new way you have grown. I'm starting to understand how God has this unconditional love for me. I now understand how someone can love another so much. God's love is powerful and I am so blessed to feel his love through you.
A few days ago I looked up your name on the internet. Sometimes it is spelled Tedah and sometimes it is spelled Tedha, either way I realized I hated it. In Hindi they mean: "thirteen'', or "unlucky", "difficult", "unmanageable", "irregular", and so forth. The anagrams for your name are "death'' and "hated". My baby girl these names are lies and I will no longer say them over you. You were made in Gods beautiful image and there is nothing unlucky, difficult, or unmanageable about you. You have been the biggest blessing I could ever received this Christmas and I love you so much. After much pray I decided to rename you. Mara is a name in the bible Naomi used when she felt as if God had dealt with her bitterly. However if you read the story in Ruth its a story of Gods redemption. It shows his powerful redeeming grace for us. So I wanted to rename you Mara Grace. You are redeemed by Gods Grace and no one will ever take that away from you.
So as time starts to come to an end here in Cambodia my heart aches. I must continue to pray that God provides for you and sends others to come love you. You deserve the best and right now I can't provide that. With everything in me I want to adopt you. Yet God is telling me to wait. I don't know how long or if he wants me to just be your prayer warrior but I know you will always have a special place in my heart. I think one day when the time is right I will come back and love on you some more. So I will not say good-bye to you now but see you later. I love you completely and I am praising our Father for you.
Merry Christmas baby girl,
Faith
