Month 9- Thailand was the beginning of a new season of my World Race. The race has been much harder than I ever expected it could be. The world is sometimes a very scary place and leaving the comfort and relative safety of America was harder than I expected. But the hardest parts have just been within myself. While enduring all the things that we do on the race: language barriers, cultural differences, extremely long travel days, not always very comfortable living accommodations, being surrounded by people 24/7, you begin to learn a lot about yourself and your character. You see sides of yourself that you wish weren’t there. You realize weaknesses and insecurities. At any point it seems easier to turn back and get back to your comfortable life where these things are hidden in the shadows. One thing we learned coming on the race is that when things are hard, yet you endure through them- that’s where your character is built. So by facing these things that are hard externally and internally, we are being refined.
I entered Thailand with a new team. Going into month 8 it felt like I had more scars from the race. I felt like I hadn’t healed at all. I knew that God had so much more for me the last three months of my race. But I’ve come to realize that God was never withholding healing from me. Healing is hard work. It takes effort. You can’t just sit by and expect it to happen. Healing requires pressing into the hard things. The aspects of yourself you wish weren’t there and things that have hurt you in the past.
Entering month eight I decided it would be my season of healing. I knew this meant pressing into hard things, and facing parts of myself that aren’t Christ-like. I still don’t think I fully understand healing or that there’s any specific formula you can follow to go through it, but I know that it means confronting things that have hurt me and seeking Jesus and His truth to replace it. These past couple of months have looked like a lot of prayer, a lot of seeking God’s truth, and a lot of realizing more and more things that I believed that aren’t true. My mind was cluttered with thoughts of being unwanted, unloved, a burden to those around me, that I didn’t know how to love people well, and in turn didn’t deserve love.
For our month in Thailand we were placed with an organization called Sending Hope International. They operate a home for 40 girls in Wiang Pa Pao Thailand who either don’t have families or whose families have sent them there for a better life. As soon as we arrived at Sending Hope we were greeted by the girls who teamed up to carry our 50 pound bags inside the house for us. From the moment we arrived at Sending Hope, these girls loved us with everything they had. It was overwhelming how well these little girls between the ages of 5 and 17 loved us. Our first night at their evening service they sang for us and presented us each with flowers and a hug. A week into being there they surrounded each of us, praying over us. Out of the month that we were there, I think they only let us wash our own dishes one time. Each night I received a hug goodnight from each one of the 40 girls. These girls are so secure in their identity as daughters of Jesus. They are constantly accepting and being filled by His love and that is why they so effortlessly pour out his love to the people around them.
It was in receiving love from these girls that I was able to realize how little of God’s love I accept. God used each one of those sweet beautiful girls to show His love for me. Learning to accept God’s love is an ongoing process. It’s overwhelming because we don’t deserve it. There’s nothing we can do to earn it or lose it. So often my inadequacies have left me in tears because I just can’t seem to get it together. Anytime I hurt the people around me I struggle to accept God’s love in that moment because I don’t feel like I deserve it. But that’s not for me to decide. God has already decided that he wants to give it to me, even when I don’t deserve it. So my daily battle is accepting the unending love and grace of the Father, and from that pouring out love onto those around me.
“Our sufficiency is of God; let us practically enjoy this truth. We are poor, leaking vessels, and the only way for us to keep full is to put our pitcher under the perpetual flow of boundless grace. Then, despite its leaking, the cup will always be full to the brim” –Charles Spurgeon
“But God, being rich in mercy because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ… For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:4,8-9
