I am sitting on the beach, dripping sweat, listening to worship music, staring out at the ocean. I just finished my morning run and workout along the boardwalk of the beach. I have to bike a couple miles to ministry in an hour and a half, but for now I am watching the sun finish rising.
My prayers for a restful and rejuvenating last month seem to have been answered. I’ve been able to run every morning since we’ve been here, read my bible daily, play guitar every afternoon, and journal every evening.
I have the comfort of a/c in the hostel, a bed, and wifi. I don’t feel spiritually oppressed, and I am doing a cleanse for the next two weeks – only eating vegetables and proteins. I have so much energy, and I feel actual peace and joy.
I love working in the cafe here while helping teach the locals English. I can just sit and have coffee with people and talk, it is such a low stress environment.
I don’t want to come home.
It’s not solely because of how amazing this month is though. I still didn’t want to come home last month, and I was without any of these comforts. I’m trying to process why I hate every comment that is said about how many days we have left, plans for the future, or just the word “home” in general.
I think the biggest reason I don’t want to come home, is because I’ve changed. My desires have changed, my plans have changed, and who I am has changed.
When I come home, I am bringing this change with me. The biggest one being the revelation that the Lord has called me to be a long term international missionary. The Lord gave me this desire month three of the Race, and confirmed it month eight. Read my blog: “The Week I Didn’t Speak” for more information about it if you’d like.
Because of this news my mindset has changed. I no longer see America as my home. I now see America as another country on the list of where I am expected to travel before I get to my final destination. My home is wherever God calls me. I see everything as another building block, another step of growth, and another requirement before God sends me back overseas to fulfill my purpose and calling in life.
This trip hasn’t quenched my desire to travel or to serve, it has ignited the fire. My desire is overseas, my desire is to serve God with every fiber of my being.
If I could pack up my friends and family and ship them overseas – I would never need to step foot in America again. I would have no desire to.
So, if you are reading this… YOU are the reason I am coming back to the States and not just skipping out on my flight back. You, and God. Believe me, I’ve thought about not coming home. If God wasn’t preparing me for my future, and coming back to the States wasn’t a part of that, I would stay.
It has taken me a while to write this blog because I am so overwhelmed by even just the idea of coming “home”. Everytime I let myself slip and think about it, everything I think about feels so heavy. The change in my desires, the culture shock that’s waiting for me, the expectations…
I feel the pressure for me to be ready to be around people again, to act “normal”, to know how to flirt, talk, and to hold a conversation with someone that isn’t my team and can speak English (without miming what I am trying to say).
The pressure to be okay, to have myself figured out, to know the next step for after this journey. The pressure to get a job, pay off my student loans, to march back into my place in line and fulfill the necessary requirements to fit back into the box that is “American”. The box that has a 9-5 job, a car, and a dog.
The problem is I threw away my box. I can’t fit back into the “American dream”. The idea of coming home and living in the States literally feels wrong, it doesn’t fit. Now that I know my purpose and calling, I know where I fit, and America isn’t it.
For those of you reading this, thank you for following my journey. My return home probably doesn’t feel overwhelming for you – I am just one person who slipped out of your life, who you may or may not have missed. But for me, everything about home is overwhelming.
The idea of going out to eat in a loud restaurant, going grocery shopping, driving a car, paying bills, even going back to church. Every little detail has a hint of stress attached to it.
All of these seemingly easy things hold so much more weight when you put them under the umbrella of “culture shock”.
Here on the Race the days are ticking by faster and faster. I feel like my clock is running out of time, and I’ll have to check back into reality sooner than I want… As hard as the Race is – I don’t want to go back to being a “grown up” or “American”. I don’t want a normal job, bills, a car, or expectations from society and the people around me weighing me down…
I just want to be free to live and serve God.
Free to travel, wander, LIVE. I want to have the space to just play guitar and worship God all day long if I want to. I want the freedom to not get on wifi or my phone (data – not looking forward to how overwhelming that will be) and to just be unplugged for a day or a week… The freedom not to talk to people, or to spend countless hours with them.
I just don’t want to come home and be overtaken by “normal”.
The hardest part of this dreaded “re-entry” is that the Race has changed me – and I don’t want to come home and fit back into the mold I left. I desperately want to cling onto the new identity I have in Christ, the new confidence, the new strengths, and the new desires.
So dear friends and family… Thank you for having grace with me, and knowing that it isn’t you I am dreading. It is the whole idea of life in general in America.
Thank you for your desire to ask me questions about what I’ve been doing and where I’ve been. Thank you for your desire to see me and be with me… But if I break down and cry simply because there are too many people speaking English, I have too many options on a menu, or because the grocery store is too big – just have grace with me. If I find watching TV excruciating, or zone out when you are talking about celebrities, politics, or petty first world problems – have grace. If I talk about my adventures and my desire to go back overseas and serve too much – have grace.
I’ve been home, I know what to expect, and I know that culture shock sucks. I know that I will need to supplement my spiritual growth and accountability. I know that it will be unfulfilling. I know that I’ll want to leave and go back to being a missionary.
Yet, I also know that there is a big group of supportive people who love me that are waiting to embrace every broken part of me with open arms. I know that those people are worth taking this next step for. I know that God will go with me, and that He will continue to be strength in the unfamiliar discomfort of America. I know that if I continue to trust Him, He will continue to direct my paths.
As my journey is coming to an end – please be praying for my squad and I as we prepare to come home. Pray that we continue to stay present, and completely immerse ourselves into our last month. Pray that God prepares our hearts, minds, and souls for the new adventure of coming “home”. Pray that we adjust well, and continue to walk out our new growth from the Race at home. Lastly, please pray that all of us Racers and our friends and families have patience, strength, and grace throughout this whole re-entry process.
