It’s that moment when conviction hits you so hard you can’t breathe. You look into the eyes of another human being, past the judgment you were bestowing on them previously, and the pang of guilt wells up in your conscience.
I have been convicted over many things this past year. Discomfort, the lack of seclusion, God’s presence, and good community seem to be a greenhouse for growth and revelation.
Well, I may not have had all of the above things on my road trip up the west coast – but I still was smacked in the face with a deep conviction that led me to a realization.
I’ve failed. Miserably.
My pre-race self was judgemental, self-righteous, and worldly.
I cloaked my judgement with productivity, my self-righteousness with a fake smile, and saw my worldly view as knowledge and experience – but oh how naive I was and still am.
The Lord hit me hard this week. He opened my eyes and showed me just how weak I really am, again.
This particular instance happened when Kyle and I were driving in the car from San Francisco, California to Portland, Oregon. We were weaving in and out of the mountains on a beautifully scenic highway. I was reading the bible, journaling, blaring worship music in my headphones, and pretending I was alone. That’s the moment when God confronted me.
I was journaling because I realized I was slightly anxious to go home. Our road trip was half way over, we just left our friend behind at the airport, and the days seemed to be ticking down faster than before.
If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know that I’ve struggled with sexual temptations of the flesh previously. Yet, prior to leaving for the Race I had my shield of a “contract”, and I could use the excuse of “not being allowed to date” in order to deflect guys asking me out…
Now as I go home I’m fully aware that I’m left without the contract, completely vulnerable.
Part of me is excited. I am a very relational person and I absolutely love loving people. I am also a hopeless romantic. I want to court, get married, and live happily ever after.
The other part of me is completely terrified. I have been on an all girls team the last 11months. Give me estrogen, I’m good at that. Although, if you put me in a room with a semi-attractive person of the opposite sex you’ll see me running for the door, literally. I’ve actually taken up running, it helps diminish sexual desire. It also is a very effective way to get out of a situation when said attractive person is trying to talk to you and you keep fumbling over your words like you just ate a gigantic spoon of peanut butter.
Anyways… I’m coming home, and the struggle is very apparent. As I was journaling about all of those fears and anxieties one of my ex’s came to my mind. I missed him, a genuine heart felt desire completely consumed me.
I started journaling about all the reasons why I should not be missing said person and BOOM… Conviction. My self-righteous, judgemental, and worldly view of this man laid before me – written down.
Feeling the deep pang of conviction, I completely changed the way I was journaling. I went from slandering this man from a worldly standpoint, to lifting him up in a spiritual context.
Then, instead of judging his actions, character, etc. I started to look at my own.
Matthew 7:1-5 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
When I did this, I saw just how incredibly I have failed. I failed to be a good representation of Christ in his and my relationship. I failed to love him unconditionally. I judged him with eyes full of the world, and I failed to find my security in the Father – thus pushing my need for it onto him. I was filled with fear, self-righteousness, and condemnation, and blamed him for all of it.
It was then I realized that I was definitely not better than this man, or any other human being. My self-righteousness was deflated.
It was then I realized just how judging I had been, not only to him – but to many other people in my life.
It was then I realized just how worldly my views had been… The scales fell off of my eyes, and I saw in a different light. A spiritual light.
This man was a better representation of Christ in our relationship than I was. He loved unconditionally, he forgave with abandon, and he never once slandered my name.
I immediately started to pray. I prayed for him, I repented and apologized to the Lord, and then I listened.
“Love him as I love him. Speak to him with kindness, in truth. Humble yourself, apologize, and remedy what pain you’ve caused.”
I was definitely not expecting the Lord to tell me to talk to this ex of mine. I figured that I had caused enough damage already, and should leave it be before I completely shatter his heart… Yet, God has a funny way of not doing or saying what I expect him to.
2 Corinthians 5:14-18 “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:a The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.”
As I wrestle with this difficult lesson, I pray the the Lord removes the worldly scales from your eyes as well. I pray that if you’ve been judging someone, that the Lord changes your heart. I pray that as Christians we remember to first look at ourselves, instead of judging others. I pray that we will wholly trust the Lord, being obedient to His will – even when it is difficult and uncomfortable, and especially when it is not what we expect. I pray that the Lord brings conviction and healing upon you and your relationships. Amen.
