As I sit here in my hammock, I am slowly getting the blood sucked out of me. Literally. I have a bug net, and have already put on bug spray – but they still seem to find the taste of my sweet blood appealing.
I have a choice. I could pull my bug net over me and hopefully avoid more bug bites. Or, I could continue to sit in my hammock, feet dangling as I push myself back and forward – creating the slightest breeze that helps cool my body temperature. I should choose the net, since I already have too many bug bites to count (and no I am not being dramatic, I actually stopped counting after the number got passed 40 just on my upper right thigh).
Yet, I still sit here swaying… Debating my fate. The heat is constant. From sun up to sun down I am in a battle for hydration, as my body continuously decides to make me look like I just ran a marathon. The heat is my alarm clock in the morning, when I begrudgingly slide out of my hammock after I tire of sweating. I also wipe it off before I go to bed, hoping that my hair won’t stick to the sweat on my face as I fall asleep.
I finally decided to pull the bug net over me, after wiping away another mosquito that was trying to suck the life out of me. As I lay here, I am thinking about my day. Haunted by some words from a caring squad mate previously in the day. “Are you okay?” She asked with a concerned look in her eye. We had just left a meeting about a drama practice, and I obviously wasn’t excited about it. “Yeah, I’m fine” I replied. “Can I give you some feedback?” She asked me. Knowing I was about to get a punch of growth in my gut, I slowly replied “yeah, sure”. She looked me dead in the eyes “I can tell that you aren’t choosing joy today” her knowing full well that I am a recovering pessimist, who actively claws my way into optimism every single day. Her also knowing that choosing joy is something the Lord has been teaching me since month three on the race.
Her heart for me in that moment was fully exposed. She was calling me higher into the woman that Christ is so longing for me to be. She wasn’t judging me, she just knows who I am – and a person who speaks negatively doesn’t fit that image. Giving me grace, she told me that we can’t get it right every day, but wanted to let me know that she was praying for me in the meeting. Her love was a slap in the face. My negative mood today was that obvious. I told her thank you for praying for me, and expressed my gratitude for the feedback.
She is right. This isn’t me. I know I didn’t sleep well last night. I know that I don’t feel well. I know that yesterday was extremely difficult. I know that I have absolutely no passion for yet another drama… But does that give me that right to bring everyone down around me? To be so selfish to wade in my own self pity? To make snide comments?
Sometimes the best thing you can do when you can’t win the battle against your mind, is to just shut up. Even if you can’t turn the negative soap box off in your head, why play it on a megaphone?
Being a natural pessimist, I understand that there are days when the doom and gloom of your mind won’t leave you alone. Days when all you feel like doing are putting on all black, and mourning the existence of the joy you once knew. Days when the sun doesn’t shine, and when Eeyore is the only one who can relate to you. Today was that day. But I tell you what, it was much better after I shut myself up.
After my squad mate gave me that feedback, it took all the energy within me to zip my lips the rest of the day. The negative comments still played through my mind like a Justin Beiber song (which is on every street corner in the Philippines). And at time it felt like there was no escaping it. Although, once I stopped voicing my suffering – I slowly became less negative. I’ve realized that misery loves it’s company. It loves it so much that once the negativity finds even a spark of itself in someone else, it will keep digging.
When we talk about the negative things in our lives, they grow. Just like everything else in life, what you focus on expands. Not only that, but when I was verbally venting and letting myself be a Debbie downer – not only was I sulking, I was creating a negative environment for everyone else who was around me. After venting it is like a domino effect and the people around you start thinking about the negative as well.. “Oh, it is hot. Wow there are a lot of mosquitoes. You are right, we have had to do a lot of dramas – I am sick of them too now that you mention it. I didn’t sleep last night either!”
All of a sudden, a perfectly happy and innocent individual leaves your presence thinking about just how utterly miserable they are. Do you want to be that person? Do you want people to leave your presence feeling depressed, angry, and anxious when they are done talking with you? Or, do you want people to leave your presence feeling a sense of joy, relief, and lightness?
Like I said… I understand we all have bad days – I have had them. Today was one of those days. Just, instead of making my mistake and letting yourself leak out the pain and misery – creating an oil spill in the ocean of life, love, and happiness. Choose to be quiet. Choose to still try and orient yourself around the Lord. Pray if you have the need to vent to someone.
2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ”
You have the power to control your mind, but if you feel like you can’t remember that He can. Remember the weight of every word that hangs on your tongue.
Proverbs 18:21 “The power of the tongue is life and death – those who love to talk will eat what it produces.”
Don’t be someone who creates death for yourself when you do have a bad day. Speak life into the situation so that the negativity dissipates faster. As Christians we are called to live a life apart from the rest. Everyone can complain when things go wrong – but not everyone can bite their tongue. Not everyone can choose to be joyful in the midst of suffering.
I don’t want you to pretend. I want you to feel. I want you to be completely real with yourself, and open and honest with others. Especially about your feelings and your emotional health. There is just a difference between being real, and being really annoying – that I realized today. Feel free to talk about your feelings, sort them out, work through them – just don’t whine, complain, and blame others for your situation. There is a point when you are just sulking in misery instead of being proactive about your emotional health.
I encourage you to be different. Dare to stand out. Be known for recognizing the difficult situations in life, yet while still relying on God.
