Proverbs 25:28 “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”
Two months ago I was just that, a city defenseless. I willingly would tear down my own walls in order to please my flesh. My desire for pleasure blinded my blatant lack of self-control.
I would justify my sin of lust by telling myself I wasn’t acting on it, only fantasizing. I would give into the temptation to satisfy myself, instead of seeking the Lord to satisfy me.
Being in this community of the World Race, I have heard many testimonies. I’ve heard people’s struggles, and I’ve seen them grow more into beautifully devoted followers of Christ. I’ve seen them choose to die to their own flesh in order to serve the King.
Although, some of the struggles they would share about overcoming – I didn’t want to think that they needed to be overcome. I used the excuse that people have different beliefs, and I know that we aren’t always going to see eye to eye. God was planting a seed though – and even though I didn’t see the importance of overcoming this sin in my life, He did.
I’ve struggled with the idea of sharing this blog – because it is highly intimate, and very revealing… Yet, in that – are we not called to be obedient in every circumstance? Am I not called to share my testimony no matter how intimate?
So, even though I could have shared this blog two months ago – I am sharing it now, as it is still on my heart. I am sharing it knowing that there is no condemnation in Christ, and any battle over the flesh that is won needs to give God the glory.
Romans 7:25, 8:1 “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
I’ve struggled with the sins of lust and masterbation since I was a small child.
I didn’t realize how deep these sins were until I was confronted by God about it in Thailand, while I was practicing listening prayer.
On 5/17/16 I wrote in my journal:
“Lord, you know what has been in the back of my mind. You know what is bothering me. You know my focus! Lord, I pray clarity into this situation and I pray that you speak to me. I pray that whatever you say – I am able to obediently listen.”
I prayed this prayer not from a place of acknowledging my sin, or even thinking about it. What I thought was in the back of my mind were thoughts of a man that I had started to like, yet God knew the roots of the matter – even though at the time, I didn’t.
He replied: “Do you believe that I can help you overcome lust and masterbation? Are you ready to be freed from these chains you’ve had since childhood?”
I was not prepared for God to be that blunt with me. He knew what was on my mind and what my focus was better than I did. I was not meaning to have this conversation with God, I wasn’t ready. I was honestly shocked that He would bring it up, and I was nervous.
I replied tentatively “I am ready – but…”
Doubts swirling in my mind. The fear that God was going to make me confess my sin to my teammates pounding in my head.
He said “Don’t give the devil a foothold. You are MINE, you are PURE, and you do not need to be ashamed. They will love you – even through this. Don’t doubt My heart for you or theirs. Have they let you down? Wouldn’t you rather overcome this now while you have their support?”
Oh how the Lord always knows my thoughts, my heart, and my fears.
I replied: “Yes. What do you want me to do?”
He said: “First, you give it to Me. You recognize it for what it is. You free yourself from this sin. Then, you talk.”
In this experience I had in Thailand two months ago, the Lord lovingly but directly called me out and asked me if I desired to be freed from the chains of lust and masterbation… When He used the words “these chains” my eyes were opened.
Was I really chaining myself to this sin?
Up until this point, I didn’t realized I was chained to this sin. At times I had felt guilty, but I didn’t know how big of a wedge I had oh so willingly placed between me and God. That’s why He told me to see it for what it is: sin. He knew I was in denial, He had seen me struggle to justify my actions my entire life. I just didn’t realize how chained I really was until He confronted me, then I could see my sin from His viewpoint.
My old viewpoint told me that it was okay to lust for men. To watch romantic movies, to fantasize, and to glance a little too long at a shirtless man on the beach. I just thought that I could not ACT on that lust. Yet, in my heart I knew the truth.
Matthew 5:28-30 “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.”
I was lusting over these men in my heart, I was lusting after the idea of a relationship. I was placing my desire for relationships with men, above the relationship I have with God. I was placing lust, and masterbation inbetween us. I was not dying to my flesh and living in the Spirit. I was letting my flesh cause me to stumble.
When the Lord confronted me, I had to answer God truthfully, He was waiting. Yet, I had these new eyes, seeing this sin as what it was – a chain. A chain holding me back from His unfailing love, His forgiveness, His compassion… I had to repent. I had to come clean. I had to not only obstain from this sin, but I had to run far from it. I finally realized that it wasn’t about how close to the line of sin I could play, it is about how close to God I can get.
As soon as I confessed, repented, and asked for forgiveness I felt the weight lifted off of me. The veil my sin had created that was hiding me from His pure, loving glory – was finally lifted.
Yet – still ringing in my ears was His command “then, you talk”.
I shared my struggle with some teammate’s one on one, and realized their response of acceptance, love, and support was why God was calling me to share with them. God told me to talk about this sin. If I didn’t, if I still felt the shame and carried it with me – I wouldn’t feel this complete freedom from it. I wouldn’t have accountability.
I gained more boldness from their loving responses and ended up calling a team meeting to share my struggle with my entire team. Not only did I need to be obedient, but I needed prayer and accountability. This sin is something that has been a constant companion since before I even knew what lust was – Satan wasn’t going to just let this foothold he had with me go easily.
Two weeks after God confronted me and I gave up this sin, we had an LDW (leadership development weekend) in Siem Reap, Cambodia. We had a night of prayer and we could seek out other squad mates and ask them for prayer.
I went straight to a past teammate who I knew was beautifully devoted to the Lord, and had the Spirit of self-discipline/control. I had already shared my struggle with her – and we had already prayed together… But I still wanted what she had. I wanted the self-control that she has walked in, her freedom.
She prayed for me – and I felt freedom.
I haven’t struggled the same way since. It’s like the desire and the temptation has subsided. I’ve still been tempted, but God has renewed my armor against it.
Instead of giving into the thoughts of lust and fleshly desire, I turn my thoughts to Christ. I now can play guitar, worship, and read my bible instead of give into my flesh. Now that I’ve already had this discussion with God, I am no longer ashamed to bring this struggle up to Him, I can pray and ask for His strength when I am feeling weak.
2 Peter 1:3-9 “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins.”
God wants all of you. Any sin, big or small, separates you from His love. The closer and closer I get to the Lord, the lighter and more free I feel. He is cleansing me, refining me, and making me into His likeness.
I pray that God opens your eyes to the sins you are struggling with, especially the sins you may not recognize that are still separating you from Him.
I pray that whatever sin you are ashamed to talk to the Lord about, you go to Him with a new confidence and boldness.
I pray that you are freed from the chains of your sin, and lifted up into a new freedom and intimacy in Christ Jesus.
Seeing how powerful asking for self-control in this one area of my life has been – I decided that I wanted it in other areas of my life as well. I prayed for the spirit of self-control this month – read my blog “Self-control part two: A Powerful Gift” to see my new take on it.
