This last week back on the Race, I’ve been walking in so much unexpected freedom. I went home last week, and expected for everything to be exactly how I left it. I expected to walk in the doors of my grandma’s house and to be surrounded by comfortable familiarity.
I felt some of that. The love I received felt familiar, my bed felt familiar, the food was as good as my imagination had concocted it up to be over the last nine months, but something was different.
I didn’t feel attached to this place, or even these people. I still loved being home. I loved hugging my grandmother goodnight, and waking up to a wonderful smoothie my sister made for me, but the difference was that I didn’t need it. I didn’t feel empty without having it.
I realized going home, that the hole I was so desperately trying to fill with my family was already filled.
Prior to the Race I was using my family to fill the hole of the love that I needed, the security I needed, the safety I needed, etc. I was using my family to fill those holes in place of God.
I was placing my family above God, and going to them for my comfort before I went to Him. This realization happened mainly when I was saying goodbye to my family so that I could continue on with the Race. I was hugging them goodbye, but I wasn’t getting ripped apart inside with every release. I was saying “see you later!” with a smile on my face, instead of the tears that had plastered my face months prior in the same situation. I was joyful to be returning to my “home” back in Thailand with my team.
What I gained from going home, was the realization that loving God, putting Him first (above even my family), and choosing to have Him fill the holes inside of me – doesn’t create a lonely, lacking relationships lifestyle. It creates an emotionally healthy, dependent (on Christ), capable, and confident demeanor that you can walk in.
Going home for a week helped me realize that I have gained the freedom I needed to follow God. To truly follow Him. To follow Him like the disciples followed Him. It made me realize that I now know that I have the willingness to leave my home, my possessions, my belongings and follow Him.
I’ve been called to be an international missionary. I found that out month 7 on the Race, and now as I am preparing to leave month 9 I am still as passionate as ever about missions. I still have that clear view of my future, and I’m still confident in the direction my life is heading, and where He is calling me.
Prior to the Race I laughed as I occasionally admitted that “I think God is going to call me into missions” – I laughed because I wanted it to be a joke. I had the impression that He was going to call me, but I didn’t have the confidence to follow Him.
I was attached to my family in an unhealthy way. I was idolizing those relationships and filtering my decisions through them instead of through Christ. There was no way I would want to live overseas for years without my family – I love them, are you kidding me?
But now…
I can’t picture myself living in the States whether my family is there or not, because I know it isn’t His plan for me. At least not right now, and I am okay with that. I am so comfortable being overseas. I am walking in Christ’s will for my life. I feel at home right now solely because I know that I am right where He wants me.
I still have a strong love for my family – but I am no longer going to let their opinions dictate my life choices. I know that God’s opinion is the one that ultimately matters.
I realized how important following God’s will for your life is, above any other influence. I am choosing to follow God above my family, friends, and my future husband. I am choosing to love God whom I have not seen, over the ones I have seen.
I am free, because I am finally releasing myself from the chains of responsibility I have placed on myself in regards to my family. God’s will is more important than the ideas they have, or I have. I will follow Him, above staying home for them.
I have had the impression that I needed to share this in a blog the last couple days and it was confirmed last night and this morning. Last night a YWAM participant prayed over me and mentioned they were hearing this song during prayer.
Song: Chasing You by Jenn Johnson (Bethel)
You hide, I want to find you
Go, and I will follow you
I want to be where you are
As You move, I’m right beside you, love
Oh, I’m running after you
I want to be where You are
I’m Chasing You, I’m so in love
Captivated, I just can’t get enough
I’ll spend my days, Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa
I’m Chasing You, with all my love
Captivated, I just cant get enough
I’ll spend my days, Running after Your heart
Your heart, Your heart, Whoa
Heart, You’ve won me heart and soul
And where You lead I’ll go
I want to be where You are
From the moment I rise to the moment I sleep
My affection is for you, and even as I dream
I want to know you, I’m after Your heart
This life, this love, was always meant to be
A wild, crazy adventure discovering
The thrill, the rush, the more of You I see
The more it leaves me wanting
You’re everything
You’re everything
This song depicts my heart for the Lord. It speaks what I am feeling, the freedom. It embodies the love I now am satisfied by.
Then, this morning in my devotional it talked about the sin of idolatry. How God’s first commandment is that we make Him number one in our lives. That we love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind.
I was letting my view of my family obstruct my view of God.
Now I have new eyes and and a new appreciation for the first commandment. I have felt it’s importance and the freedom it brings when you follow it.
I never knew I struggled with the sin of idolatry. I didn’t worship a gold calf – but I did worship my relationships.
What are your hobbies/passions? Are you spending more time doing those things than you are spending with God?
Are you checking Facebook before you read your bible in the morning? Prioritizing the internet over Him.
Whose opinion is really important to you when considering major life choices – God’s or your significant other’s or friend’s?
Are you even praying about the decisions you make?
God loves to bless His children, but are we worshipping the gift or the giver?
I encourage you to look at what you could be idolizing in your life. I had no idea I was struggling with this sin, until I was confronted with the freedom I was feeling without it. Satan has the same tricks now as he did in the past. This sin is everywhere. Now that I have opened my eyes, I see it daily.
I pray you all find the freedom I have found. I pray that you worship God and God alone. I pray that as He reveals to you what you need to change, that you have the courage, self-discipline, and desire to change it.
