One thing I am gaining out of the World Race that I wasn’t expecting, is God preparing my heart for my husband.
I don’t have a boyfriend, so obviously I am far from being engaged let alone married (except to Christ)… Yet, as I cling to my Creator desperately trying to put Him above all else – I find myself changing. Everything from my desires, to my appearance is changing.
I’ve realized that choosing God above yourself, and living a life of service as a missionary changes your perceptions of the world.
I now hate the mall, and I hate shopping. I even hate the cheap Asian markets they have here. I hate everything about accumulating more “stuff”. What’s the point? When my fulfillment is coming from God it is so much more satisfying. How could I find fulfillment in the accumulation of so called “wealth”, it is so small in the grand scheme of things. Yet, everyone around me continues to pile it onto themselves.
I now see this accumulation as something that ties me down rather than creates happiness. I want to be able to travel, serve, explore – and not be forced to carry all the baggage I buy for myself, literally. Backpacking for a year has definitely broadened my eyes to how much “stuff” I need and don’t need.
I also no longer dress to impress. As I was packing my bags this weekend for a mini beach vacation I asked my team “the real question, to bring make up or not?” I got a few mixed answers. Alyssa asked me if I would use it on a normal weekend back at the ministry site. To that I laughed and said that I didn’t even remember the last time I applied makeup. She smiled and told me there was my answer.
I decided against bringing make up on my weekend vacation. It was another thing to carry. Another possession literally weighing me down – one that I didn’t need nor want.
I also no longer spend my mornings looking in the mirror – most days I’ll happen to glance in it before I leave the house, but it isn’t even an every day occurrence. I don’t set my alarm early to apply make up and look “presentable”. I now set my alarm early to spend my mornings in my bible. And let me tell you, it is so much more fulfilling.
Instead of starting my day off hoping I look good enough, thinking I either do or don’t look “good enough” etc. I start my day off reading about how worthy I am, how loved I am, and how a King died and gave his life just for me.
As I write this, I am currently sitting here on a ferry boat headed to Ko Rong island. I’m going to be lounging on the beach all weekend, trying to put ministry out of my mind and actually just turn my mind off for a couple days. Even though I should be at peace right now, I’m still haunted by the occasional thoughts of home, which inevitably led to this blog.
Today these thoughts are haunting me about my closet. I’m thinking about the excess amount of clothing and shoes inside of it. Yes, I am excited to put away the maxi skirt, and t-shirt. I am excited to dress in a way that actually reprisents my personality – instead of fitting into the cookie cutter “missionary” style. But… I am overwhelmed by the thought of how many clothes I am going to have to get rid of when I go home.
When I was in the states for my grandfathers funeral I noticed just how low cut some of my tops were, and how short some of the dresses or skirts were.
Prior to the race, I struggled leaving behind my leggings that I wore for pants almost every day. I loved their simplicity and comfort. And now, I can’t imagine sliding into something so tight and revealing. I have rarely seen that much of my own body these last few months, why would I want other people seeing that much of it when I get home?!
Being a traveling missionary, I’ve had my eyes opened to many different cultures- and let me tell you how beautiful the women are. I’ve seen women that only have there eyes exposed, that are more beautiful than the tourist in her bikini top and short shorts standing next to her.
In every country I’ve also noticed that most skirts go below the knees, and button up shirts are in style. Overseas you don’t typically see women walking around flaunting everything they have – unless they are selling sex, literally…
I have seen some exceptions in every country, but I’ve also seen the American tourist (who I am ashamed to say always has the most skin showing) in every country – and I’ve been able to literally compare them side by side.
This has changed my perspective towards my attire, that and I don’t have America’s media shoving “sexy” down my throat ever day. I desperately want to throw out almost all my clothes at home and start over. The women I’ve seen while traveling are so beautiful. They aren’t exposing themselves, and they are elegant.
I realized while being haunted by these thoughts, that I want to dress in a way that is honoring to my Creator. In a way that doesn’t make me an object for lust. I want to dress in a way that is respectful of my future husband.
I want to wear what I now would feel comfortable in – which in my head is a 50’s style dress. Chest covered, knees covered, elegant, yet beautiful. I don’t want to completely throw away my personality and permanently dress like a typical missionary. But, I also don’t want to fit back into the “American style” which slightly disgusts me now.
Today, when I see someone walking around showing off everything they have (typically a tourist), I can’t help but wonder what they are finding their worth in…
Do they know that they are already loved?
1 John 4:19 “We love because he first loved us.”
Do they know that they could have the attention from the One that matters?
James 4:8 “draw near to God, and He will draw near to you”
Do they know that they don’t need to try so hard to be beautiful?
Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
I see the way men stare at them when they walk by. My old self would have become insecure and wondered why men weren’t staring at me. My new self hates when men stare. I hate the lustful look that glints in their eyes. I have a confidence that isn’t found in my looks, it’s found in my God and who He says I am.
Back home, if I walked by a man wearing a short skirt and got hollared at – as much as I would pretend it grossed me out, it would still give me an ego boost. I was getting attention, but little did I know how wrong the attention was.
Now I don’t want that attention.
I do get grossed out when men cat call.
I’m not an object that you can disrespect, I am a daughter of the King.
Romans 8:16 “The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God”
I don’t need that mans gaze to stare at me longer than the girl next to me. I don’t want it. I don’t want him fascinating about me – that is for my future husband.
To you cat calling men, I say I am worth more than your stare. I prize my body higher than the glance you aren’t paying anything for.
And yes – here I could enter the argument that is always tossed around in America about woman’s rights and independence, and how men need to be the ones to control their thoughts. I use to yell arguments regarding this to the mountain tops as well. I wanted to wear whatever the hell I wanted to wear. How dare the thoughts of a man control me!
But now…
I realize that what I wear can actually be an act of service. If I can help my brothers in Christ by wearing a skirt that is a couple inches longer… Why not? Wouldn’t that be honoring? I know it wouldn’t change the whole world, but it could change mine.
When I am dressed appropriately and still turn heads, I’m not wondering if the man is fantasizing about having sex with me. I just know that they see the beauty in God’s creation. I know that they see ME, and not just my body.
So… People in America that are reading this. The last thing I want to do is condemn you. You can continue to walk around in your daisy duke shorts and your tank tops… I just am choosing a different route (so let me know if you want to buy some of my old clothes! I’ll need the money for my student loans when I get home haha).
I just personally am going to choose to dress more honoring. Not only because I want to respect my Creator, but also because I want to respect my future husband. And, whoever he is, I want him to be attracted to my personality, character, and heart more than my body anyways.
Ladies – I would encourage you to examine your heart this week. When you put on that slinky black dress – what is your heart behind it? Is it because it makes you feel beautiful? Or is it because you NEED that guys attention?
If you are dressing for you, I understand that. I understand wanting to feel beautiful, and enjoying dressing up. But please, if you need it… Know that you are already loved, you are already beautiful, and you are worth more than that cat call or free drink that little black dress may get you.
Respect yourself, and the respect of others will follow. I don’t want to sound condescending, so please don’t get offended. I just want you to feel the freedom I have now that I don’t need a guys’ attention to feel beautiful.
I want you to see yourself through the eyes that God sees you through.
I want you to feel the lightness that confidence in your identity can bring.
I know we are swarmed with images from TV, ad’s, and stores… I know that it may look “normal” to walk around barely clothed. But sadly, I’ve realized it’s not normal, it’s just very very American.
Since being overseas I’ve experienced SO much spiritual warfare. I’ve seen it, heard it, felt it. It’s real. But why am I feeling it here and not at home in the States?
In America we make it way too easy for Satan. Why would he have to expose himself and attack us in the spiritual realm when we are attacking ourselves enough as it is?
What shows are you watching?
What images are you lusting after?
What songs are you listening to?
What lies are you telling yourself?
The images, videos, songs, and lies that we meditate on every day in America – that is spiritual warfare. It looks different, but it’s creating the same thing. It’s creating shame, worthlessness, idolatry, lust, and ultimately sin. It’s creating the idea in our minds that we want to walk around exposed, instead of respecting ourselves.
We are willingly separating ourselves from God, and not even realizing it. We are willingly buying into idolatry, and sin.
I urge you to look at the world that is surrounding you with new eyes. Look at it through the lens of Christ. The lens of truth and love.
Is that movie honoring?
Is that dress you are wearing showing you respect?
Are those lyrics you’re listening to creating the sin of lust inside your mind?
I made a covenant to choose God above all else back in the Philippines. Today I realize that means choosing God over my closet, mirror, and the media I let affect my mind.
Will you choose Him?
