The World Race has opened my eyes to so many facets of intimacy with the Lord. So much adventure, and so much growth. Yet, it has also opened my eyes to so much pain, shame, and healing.
Unfortunately, this blog is about the latter. The shame I am about to admit I mentioned in a previous blog. It is part of the shame that the Lord surfaced in the international house of prayer that I have been attending this last month. He finally surfaced this pain and shame long enough to let me admit to myself, and to others, that I was a victim of sexual assault. What the Lord showed me, is that I still need healing from that.
I am not saying this to get attention. I am not saying this so that you pitty me. I am not saying this to place blame, or so that I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions.
I am saying this, and only saying this, because the Lord told me that if I choose sharing over secrecy, I can heal. That if I am bold, I can have influence. That if I have courage, there is a chance I can impact others. That if I choose others over myself, I can possibly help them.
Shame lives in the dark. When you speak about shame, it dies. When you share your testimony and the deepest secrets of your life with others, you find healing and intimacy.
Up until this point only two people knew about this incident. I didn’t tell my family, I didn’t tell my closest friends. I thought that if I didn’t admit it out loud, maybe the shame would dissipate? Maybe it would slowly disappear and I would I forget that it happened.
That’s not what happened though. My shame started to control me. I would occasionally want to share it with others, but I never had the courage. I was almost able to forget about it, but it always seemed to come back up to the surface.
Now, since I’ve started the process of healing I’ve been able to bring it up to my whole team. I’ve been able to share this event with a few friends, and I’ve been able to tell my family.
My team is partially the reason I can admit to myself that this occurrence isn’t my fault. My team is the reason I actually came to the realization that even though an incident occurred, I don’t have to be afraid of it. I don’t have to give it the power to hold shame over me. I can speak out. I can be bold. I can use this part of my testimony and possibly help others, instead of keeping it locked away in shame.
My story of sexual assault isn’t one of a pre-thought out plan of attack. I wasn’t drugged, and it didn’t even involve a stranger. My story is not one I would not have titled as rape, until after I was educated on what sexual assault actually is. I realize now that my preconceived idea of rape was largely shaped by the media. Since I myself was uneducated to this, I want to let all of you know these definitions as well.
In my social work education I learned the definitions of both sexual assault and rape:
Sexual assault – “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient” (justice.gov)
Rape – Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person without consent of the victim (FBI.gov).
Even after I had that knowledge, it was still difficult to admit to myself and to others what happened that night. My story is one of making poor decisions, which in turned led to a painful circumstance (in order to protect the identity of the other person – I am going to be rather vague).
A few years back I decided to go out drinking with a male friend of mine. I didn’t have much time off with my busy work and school schedule, but I just wanted to go out and actually have a little “fun” for once. I thought that drinking alone with this man wasn’t a big deal at all because we were friends, and I was actually dating another guy at the time. So obviously, nothing could happen between us. I was happily taken, and I trusted this friend of mine.
We went out to a multiple bars and we both had quite a few drinks. Before I knew it, I was drunk. Then, he kissed me. I don’t remember everything that happened out at the bars, but I do remember kissing him back. I felt convicted about cheating as soon as it happened. I knew that this act was not me. I knew this wasn’t who I was, but then why was it happening?
All of these thoughts were jumbled, and were racing through my mind. Yet, it was already too late. I was already really drunk, and I was already kissing him. The rest of the night blurs together, but I do remember two more very distinct moments that I cannot get out of my mind. As much as I try to be free of them, they are permanently engraved in my mind.
He drove me home, and walked me to my door. I vaguely remember us kissing again, and him asking if he could tuck me into bed.
Moment one – I remember looking him dead in the eyes and saying “we cannot have sex”.
Moment two – We are on my bed, he is on top of me, and we are having sex. I then remember starting to cry, and him stopping.
The following day was one of the worst days of my life. I was hungover, I had to wake up early to go to work, and I had to tell my boyfriend what had happened. If you are in a relationship and something like this happens to you, I know it’s hard, but you need to tell them. The shame that builds up from secrecy and guilt will continue to build up and weigh on you heavier each day until you do.
To my surprise and my relief, my boyfriend didn’t break up with me when I told him. He was hurt, and initially was in shock, but he actually saw the situation in the light I am seeing it in now. He didn’t love me any less after the situation, and he was actually there to support me through the healing process. At least whatever I would let myself heal from at the time.
If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who is sexually assaulted and they come to you, please hear them out. Know that this is a very hard situation, and that they are already feeling shame about it. They don’t need you to add to that shame or guilt. They need your support, and your love. They need to know that they are still worthy, still worth it, and that you will still be there. My boyfriend accepting what had happened, and continuing to love me through the whole situation, taught me so much about unconditional love. Choose to be that redemption and support for your loved one in this situation.
For any of you reading this who has been a victim of sexual assault, please know that it isn’t your fault. This is something that I am still telling myself, but I know I need to believe it. A huge part of me blames myself for that night, and just wishes I never would have gone to the bar. A huge part of me wishes I would have had another friend with me. A huge part of me wishes so many things happened differently, but they didn’t.
For any of you reading this who thinks that you may have been raped, but don’t want to admit it. I also was in denial. I have been denying this for years, but the conclusion I’ve come to is that you can’t heal if you are in denial. Step one is accepting the reality. Look at the definitions above if you are still doubting it.
If you say no, at any point, it is considered sexual assault if they continue. Even if you simply don’t give consent, it is still considered rape. It does not matter if you kissed them first. It does not matter if you were okay with it and then suddenly decided to stop.
You are a person with rights, who deserves to be respected. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with them before. It doesn’t matter if you are friends with them. It doesn’t even matter if they are your boyfriend/girlfriend.
No means no.
If you are a sexually active person (read my last blog, and please ask for consent) asking for consent is very important. It makes sure both parties are willing, and keeps you out of any difficult scenarios.
It’s okay if it takes you awhile to accept what happened. Even with everything I learned in school, I still managed to tell myself that my scenario was different. I still justified the occurrence in my head. “My friend is different. He has a good heart, he would never intentionally hurt me like this. He was drinking too. It’s different, right?” Wrong. I explicitly said no. Alcohol or no alcohol, a no still means no.
I have put myself into so many compromising situations, with blurred lines, and guilt. This isn’t even the only incident that I am ashamed of. When I was 15 I had a drunk older guy make out with me, and then proceed to try and have sex with me the entirety of the night. He didn’t stop until I got a bloody nose. Yet thankfully, he eventually stopped.
I beg of you, be smart and stay out of compromising situations. Did you hear that? Realize that you can play a part in protecting yourself. So many rape incidents happen with a person that the victim knows.
Also, respect yourself and stand firm. If you say no, the other person NEEDS to respect that. No exceptions.
If you have been sexually assaulted and you haven’t told anyone, tell someone. I know it’s scary, but you can be bold.
Not voicing it doesn’t make it go away, believe me. It doesn’t make the shame dissipate. What helps you heal, is sharing it. Talk to your close friend, or a counselor. Talk to me. It doesn’t matter who you share it with, but speak out so that the devil can stop controlling you with it.
And know this… You are still worthy, and you are still loved.
If this is something you feel like you need to bring to the cops, but are intimidated to do it by yourself. Call a friend and have them go with you. If possible do so soon after the event – keep your sheets and the underwear you were wearing that night (don’t wash them – the cops can use these items to detect DNA).
If you have been a victim, what I really want you to hear is this. You are still worthy. You are still washed with the blood of Christ, and you are still PURE. This situation doesn’t define who you are. This situation doesn’t make you guilty, or a bad person.
If you are in need of some services for sexual assault victims, please research ones near you. I know that in Fort Collins and Greeley we have the Sexual Assaut Victim Advocate Center (SAVA). There website is savacenter.org. They provide crisis intervention, counseling, and advocacy for victims. There is also a 24-hour rape crisis hotline in Colorado, the number is 970-472-4200.
If you are struggling finding services I will gladly help you in your search.
You are not alone, you didn’t deserve this, and you are loved.
