As I was praying in the international house of prayer last week, one of the things I was praying about was if I had to post these blogs on shame. If I had to expose my shame, and if I actually had to share it with others. Or, if I could just accept it and move past it.
Well, the Lord being the gentlemen that He is, gave me the choice. What I heard the Lord tell me in response to my cry was this:
“Do you want to be a voice for those who are abused or timid?
Do you want to make waves and be influential?
Actions are bold for those who make waves. It is uncomfortable, but it does impact people. I am not going to force you to share your story, but sharing it would be bold.
If it helped just one woman struggling with shame, would it be worth it?
If it helped one person make a better choice, would it be worth it?
If it helped one girl not get raped, would it be worth it?
I’m not going to force you to share it, but it is part of your testimony for a purpose. You are influential, and you can continue to be – if you continue to CHOOSE obedience over comfort. If you choose influence over secrecy. If you choose others over yourself.”
So, this blog is me making that choice. I am making a choice to live in the light, free of shame. I am making the choice to pick influence over secrecy. I am making the choice to choose others over myself.
This blog is for the one. The one that might actually be influenced or convicted. The one who might be touched. The one who might be ashamed, and need freedom. I am being bold for you. I pray that wherever you are, that you receive the love that God is pouring out for you. I pray that you feel the freedom I have felt, and that you experience a true cleansing of His blood.
As I was reading my bible, I came upon this verse. It perfectly sums up why I have lived so much of my life in the dark, until now.
John 3:20 “Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.”
I have never openly shared about my past struggle with sexual immorality. I have never wanted it to be in the light. I came from a Christian family, I was raised right – how could I expose this darkness and ruin my Christian image?
The issue with the above thinking is that because I was afraid to expose it, I continued to live in lust and in shame.
Ephesians 4:27 “do not give the devil a foothold.”
I gave the devil a foothold into my life, by letting him control that part of my life. I wouldn’t speak about my sexual sin, so of course he could control me with it. He would cause me to go deeper and deeper into the spiral of sin. He wanted the wedge between me and my God to grow bigger. He saw an opportunity, and unfortunately he took it.
This foothold that started with lust, began to grow. It spiraled from kissing into sex. Yet, the devil wasn’t satisfied with just causing me to fall into this sin. He wanted me to stay there. He tried to get me to believe that this sin wasn’t a big deal. That all sins are equal, so sex can be equated to a lie right? Wrong.
Ephesians 4:3 “but among you there must not even be a hint of sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body.”
I know that some of you who are reading this may be rolling your eyes. You may be right where I was. You may be disalusioned by the pleasure and the lust – avoiding the convictions that the Spirit is giving you.
I urge you to open your eyes, read these words and know that I understand lust. I understand the pleasures that you are giving up when you decide to be abstinent until marriage. A little over two years ago I decided to give up sex and to remain abstinent until marriage. Since then, I have had to desperately try and restrain the desires I awakened with my sin.
If you haven’t already, please try not to make the mistake I did by falling into the temptation of premarital sex. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, take it from me, it is easier to abstain from sex before you take part in it. After you have sex, the devil has a bigger foothold in your life, and he takes advantage of it. He will use guilt, shame, accusations, false identity, and lust to control you. It won’t bring you freedom to have sex before marriage, it will bring you chains.
Read these words and know that even though I have sinned and fallen short, I also know the freedom that comes with complete surrender in Christ. I know how light you can feel when shame rolls off of your shoulders. I know how much power and confidence you can receive when you are actually honoring God. I know the blessings that God pours out on His obedient children.
He wants to free you from shame. He wants to cleanse you from sexual immorality. He wants you to walk forward in courage and boldness, not in secrecy. He wants you to run away from the line of sexual immorality, not dance as close as you can to it.
I read a wonderful book a few years back that really helped me understand sexual immorality. It is actually the reason I decided to become abstinent. It is called “Boy Meets Girl” by Joshua Harris. If you are struggling with lust, please read that book. Especially if you have a logical mind like mine, and need to know WHY you can’t have sex. HOW it is different from any other sin. And need to SEE the consequences that having sex before marriage has on you.
Before I read this book I use to rationalize having sex in my head, “I’ve already had sex, so it’s not a big deal if I continue to do it”. What I didn’t understand is that each and every time I had sex I was committing a sin, and it was a sin inside my body. I was creating a tie physically, spiritually, and emotionally to the other person. If you are a believer, you are disrespecting the temple of the Holy Spirit when you have premarital sex.
How can you expect to feel close to the Lord, living and walking in His favor, when you are dirtying the temple?
If you are walking in sexual immorality I in no way want to create shame in your life. I do not condemn you for any action you have committed, I’ve been there. I just want you to know that it isn’t to late to change the course of this sin pattern. Stopping something you’ve already started is hard, but it’s possible.
Yes, I quit having sex, and if that is something you need to do – I encourage you that it is worth it. The freedom from shame that you can feel is tantalizing. If you make the decision to give your body back to Christ and live in purity, I will rejoice with you! I would love to talk with you about it, or even help hold you accountable. Or, you can always talk to a mentor or a close friend about it. If you do choose to make this decision I urge you to find someone to keep you accountable. It is challenging to walk in complete freedom from any sin pattern, but that is because the devil so desperately wants his foothold back. Don’t give in, don’t let him think he wins.
If you haven’t had sex, but have been dancing on the line of sexual immorality. You can be freed from shame as well. You can make a commitment to the Lord to honor Him with your body. The same about accountability applies here as it does above. I encourage you to be bold and to make this commitment verbally with another person that will hold you accountable.
I was at first timid about posting this blog. About exposing that I have had sex before marriage. I was ashamed of my past. Even though sex is something I gave up a few years ago after reading that book, I still felt the shame from it. I still felt the shame from the times I would fall into temptation, even after making this commitment to the Lord. I still needed to walk forward in healing.
Now I can see why God wanted me to live in the light. I can see why He wanted me to boldly talk about my story. When I continued to choose God first, even above my image… Something powerful happened. I was freed from the shame.
I can now live fully in the light because my Heavenly Father is the only one’s approval I need.
I am no longer ashamed. I am redeemed. I am free.
