This whole year has been a journey of self discovery for me already.
From realizing I need to work on allowing vulnerability into my life at training camp in July, and that this vulnerability thing isn’t a weakness it is a strength.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
To seeing how God’s timing is SO much better than my timing – and letting go of my plans to let Him plan my life IS actually in my best interest.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”
Let go, and Let God!
To now…
I’ve realized this month, that I haven’t been honest with myself for my entire life.
For a BIG portion of my life I haven’t been true to myself, or to some of my emotions…
I haven’t allowed myself to truly FEEL pain.
The pain of death, the pain of divorced parents, the pain of practically any life experiences that have hurt me.
I used to live life numb. I turned off my pain receptors and was “strong”.
This is a revelation that vulnerability goes so much deeper than just allowing yourself to TALK about the hard stuff, it is allowing yourself to feel it.
I’ve been sad… I’ve cried… But I don’t think I have ever allowed myself the freedom to actually lose control, and embrace the pain.
I’m sad for a little while, until I tell myself it is enough because I’m tired of feeling that emotion.
I cry for as long as I deem necessary, but only when I decide to let myself.
I constantly have tried to control the pain. Limit it.
Embracing the pain is something I am now working on – and am going to be walking through with God. I am not quite to the point where I can completely let go, but I’m working on it!
I’m celebrating that I am recognizing this now, and am slowly becoming more self aware!
The back story on this… I use to value looking like I was put together. That I was the “strong” one. Or that even though life is hard, I can carry on through it.
I’ve allowed my own insecurities of looking “weak” or not having my life together steal from me.
I’ve allowed it to steal the intimacy that being vulnerable with people brings to your relationships.
I’ve allowed it to steal the dependence I could have had on God instead of relying on myself and my own understanding of the situation.
I realize now that I have lived half alive for practically all of my life. I let myself be numb to pain – because I thought allowing myself to FEEL that pain was bad… That it somehow made me less put together.
Now I’m realizing the complete opposite.
God loves broken people.
God loves being glorified in my weakness.
I’ve been completely selfish by not allowing this emotion that God created into my life.
By not allowing myself to feel the pain I’ve lost a lot of personal growth.
I’ve lost a lot of opportunities where I could have relied on God instead of myself.
Even though I feel like I am cut open, wounds bleeding, and scars showing – I know it is necessary, and I can SEE God being glorified in my weakness. I can see God working FOR me, not against me.
Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
I was denying myself the comfort I can receive from God through mourning.
It is okay to cry. Even when people can see you. Chances are, they will even be there to comfort you and support you.
It is okay if you don’t have your lives put together. We aren’t called to have OUR lives put together, we are called to live in complete abandon for Christ.
It is okay if you don’t know how to explain your feelings… Just allow yourself to feel.
Feel the ugly. Feel the brokenness. Be completely honest with yourself! Allow the tears to come. Allow the walls to come down.
In these feelings of weakness, God can create intamacy.
In these feelings of pain, God can create dependence on Him.
In not having your life put together, you can witness to other people who don’t have there life put together either!
Who wants to open up to a “perfect” person? Who wants to share their heart with someone who may have no idea what they are going through?
Let your brokenness be your testimony for God.
I am weak, because God is my strength.
I am not perfect, because He is the only one who can be.
I am not independent, because I am DEPENDENT on the One True King.
And in this I am free.
I am free from the fear of judgement. I am free from the standards of my own mind. I am free from the guilt, the shame, and the perfectionism!
In Christ I am free, and that is my strength. That is what I will lean on.
2 Corinthians 3:17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
