I’ve lost count of how long it’s been since my Race ended.
It probably hasn’t been that long but it feels like a lifetime ago. Even after
all these weeks of sleeping in as much as I want, eating whatever I want
whenever I want to, watching as many tv shows and movies as I want, I find
myself tired… restless.
Somehow, I continue this cycle day after day thinking, if
only I sleep in tomorrow morning, if only I take a nap in the afternoon, if
only I don’t do anything and just watch tv, then I’ll feel rested. I’ll have
more energy to actually go do something with my life.
I’ve been hearing a lot of people quote Einstein lately. The
famous saying goes something like this: “Insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again while expecting a different result.”
As I write this, it occurs to me… My current ailment isn’t
exhaustion — it’s insanity.
Flashback:
At the end of month 6, my whole team was exhausted. We had
spent day after day traveling to village after village, church after church in
Mozambique to visit the local believers and bring a word of encouragement to
them. Almost always, we went unprepared, not know what to say to them but
trusting that God would speak through us when the time came. And He did. When
it came time for us to speak, one of us would get up and deliver a message…
something that we felt God put on our hearts to share with the people gathered
before us.
It’s exhilarating to look back on that month and witness
God’s faithfulness. And even more simply to recognize God’s grace that He would
give these 7 young (and pretty clueless) Americans His words to share with His
precious children in rural Africa.
I couldn’t bear the thought of us going all that way, only to
find that none of us had anything to say to those people. After all, we fully believed that God had His purpose in sending us there. So each time we
headed to another church, sat through another round of introductions and songs
we couldn’t understand, I would plead with God to speak to us, to give us a
word for the people before us, to speak through us. And then I would wait and
listen, desperate for the little nudging from the Spirit that was starting to
become familiar. After a month of this non-stop intent listening, I was worn
out. By the time we left our ministry site, I was taking a timeout from
praying, from reading my Bible, from God in general. I needed a break. Or so I
thought.
As we moved on to the next country and we started another
month of ministry, I started reflecting on the month before. Why did doing
God’s work tire me out so much? Why did I feel like I had to get away from God
in order to find rest? Doesn’t the Bible talk about God being the source of
true rest? Doesn’t it say that God gives strength to the weary and increases
the power of the weak? Why then did I see Him as the One who was causing me to
grow weary instead of the one who would renew my strength?
Back to the present:
After getting done with the Race, I was feeling the same
way. I needed a break. I’m taking a timeout.
Once again, these questions come to mind. Only this time,
it’s taken me a month and a half to get to this point (I just did the math).
I guess it’s like trying to get back in shape. Even though I
know it’d be good for me to get those 30 minutes of exercise, my willpower
poops out after 5 minutes of huffing and puffing. As a result, those muscles
never get a chance to get any stronger. (And the pudge remains.)
But maybe God does give strength to the weary. The promise
doesn’t include being protected from weariness. It just says that when you do
grow weary, God gives you strength. Just like muscles that get stronger after
being pushed beyond its limits. I couldn’t really tell you from experience. My faith has been pushed to its limits this past year but not much further. I’ve let myself poop out and quit the moment I’ve had a chance to – at the end
of that month in Mozambique, at the end of the Race.
It sure doesn’t make sense to me right now… pushing on to
run the race when you’re feeling tired. But if insanity is doing the same thing
expecting different results, then it seems like the only sane choice would be
to do what doesn’t make sense.
“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will
shine on you.” (Ephesians 5:14b)
Papa, grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
(I was going to post this song to share with you anyway, The
Anthem by Jake Hamilton, but crazy of crazies.. this video was actually
recorded in Mozambique!)
