On my last month in Vietnam, we didn’t find a ministry or constant community to work with. We did little things like handing out notes with encouraging words or going to a park to talk to students who want to improve their English (I’m going to share some impressions of this month at the end of the blog post). This means on one hand that we had a lot of free time to get to know each other better as a new formed team, on the other hand that we had a lot of free time to minister to ourselves.
With seeing the end of the race coming, it was a sweet time to continue preparing myself to go home: I had time to work on a few things for the next school year as a teacher that had to be done. I had time to process things I’ve experienced this year. I had time to find rest. I had time to spend in solitude and doing intercession.
And God took me deeper on a personal journey. Since the beginning of the race, I started looking into two different personality tests. One of them is called Meyer’s Brigg and the other the Enneagram. Over the past months, I did over and over again some research on how the tests are generally structured and read specifically results about my type. I’ve studied in my time in Vietnam the book ‘Enneagram and the way of Jesus’ which initialized the process of understanding myself on a new level of depth.
For those who are not familiar with the Enneagram, I try to explain briefly what it contains: With an ancient origin, this personality test is built up by 9 different types. Each person has one type that stands out to be theirs. Although there is one main type, it’s still possible to identify oneself with other types as well. This actually points out how complex human beings are. The goal of the Enneagram is for one person to get self-aware of own virtues and vices, to understand the own behavior better and to grow in walking out the healthy version of this type – because yes, we can be an unhealthy version of ourselves but there are reasons behind our bad mannerism. And last but not least, the Enneagram helps to understand the persons you engage with better.
There is so much to gain from it and I would love for you to take that test online and to talk to you about it. Honestly, it’s really hard for me right now to write down all my knowledge I gained from it and I feel like I’m not able to explain to you all the benefits and my passion for it. So if you’re interested in walking through that and gaining some more self-awareness of who you are. . .please, reach out to me, I’m happy to walk with you that way of self-discovery.
So as I mentioned, God took me on a personal journey during my time in Vietnam. It all started with reading that book and reflecting on it. First, I’m going to explain to you my Enneagram type and on a second step, I’m going to tell you what studying this meant to me personally.
My Enneagram type
I am type 1, which describes the personality in one word as “perfectionist”. The survival strategy of this type is “I must be perfect and good”. Ones usually struggle with the need for perfection before acting and are dissatisfied with the way the world currently is. Ones are known for seeking an idealized state and for being principled, independent and critical. The standard for perfection leaves a one often with frustration and anger, because highly set expectations on the world and on themselves are not met. The motivation is to “be good”, “try harder” and “get it right”.
My journey of perfectionism
During the 9 days in Hanoi, I was studying the book ‘Enneagram and the way of Jesus’. I read about the descriptions of each type, read about the different Bible characters each type identifies themselves with and learned about downstreams and upstreams which are ways that are practiced/naturally for oneself to outlet vices (downstreams) or ways that are not practiced/need effort but help to balance the healthy self (upstreams). While I was reading all these different chapters, it just all made sense to me. I felt called out but also understood by what was written black on white. My eyes were opened why I do things the way I do and why I am the way I am and why I view the world the way I do.
I realized why I tend to keep my face and it takes time for people to get to know my true self. I chose to keep my face because vulnerability means that people can see my true self which includes things I don’t like about me – because they are not ‘perfect’ yet. I chose to keep my face because vulnerability means that people know my struggles which I prefer not to share – because it admits that the world or myself is not as it should be.
I also realized why I was in a constant state of frustration during my time in Hanoi. I always felt inwards that I’m discontent but I couldn’t call by name why. And then God opened my eyes. My frustration came out of expectations that weren’t met. Expectations I never voiced and were more of a subconscious kind BUT they were there. Expectations how the race should be, how community should be, how the team should be, how I should be. Because I’m craving for a ‘perfect world’ I have always high set expectations – so high that in reality they’re not reachable – which explains then my inner frustrations.
With realizing how I strive for things being perfect in a way they could never be, God also made clear to me that I’m the hardest on myself when things are not going the way how I plan and want them to be, when I am not feeling the way I want to feel, when I’m doing mistakes, when I don’t get things right. I’m the hardest on myself with being imperfect.
The course of my life was always perfection. This was not new to me. Open my laptop and you’ll see all files in order. Open my wardrobe or any drawer, you’ll see everything in best order. Come to my home you’ll never see a mess. Any word document and any presentation has to be minute. And so on. . . But to realize that the roots of my perfectionism go deeper, that this is not just a ‘I’ve-learned-it-from-my-parents’-thing but that this is how I am purposefully created blew my mind of understanding soooo many things better!!! I understood how I viewed the world. I understood frustrations better. I understood past experiences better.
And the biggest thing I got to understand: When I was wrestling with God in the middle of my frustrations, he led me to the cross where Jesus carried my imperfections. I had this divine encounter and breakthrough that I don’t have to be perfect – even I’ve always felt and knew that this is impossible – God wrote it this time on my heart: He is pleased with me. In his eyes I am imperfectly perfect. Jesus was and is perfect and he died on the cross for me to cover my imperfections. I could check off so many things I’m doing ‘the right Christian way’. But Jesus did not die for me for not robbing banks or murdering someone. Jesus died for me to cover my imperfections. He carries my weight of me not being perfect. He carries my struggles and my frustrations resulting out of craving for a ‘perfect world’.
My journey continues. I choose to live a healthy way of perfectionism because perfection is part of who I am. I will craving for a better world because God put the reformer inside of me. But I will allow myself to be imperfect. I choose to let go and find life like it’s supposed to be. I choose to watch all my frustrations disappear in God’s perfect peace and all my struggles fall into perfect peace. God took me on the journey of perfectionism. He ended my own inner war. And now I can be still. Be still and know who God is. Be still and know who I am: imperfectly perfect – and this is ENOUGH!
Sarah, the one who is alongside my whole World Race journey, 11 out of 11!
My team I’m currently doing life with.
Ministry: We enjoyed getting to know three generations of a Vietnamese family and having dinner with them.
Ministry: We got to know awesome students in Ho-Chi-Minh-City. They took us on a food tour on their scooters and showed us around the city.
Ministry: We created notes and handed them out as an encouragement.
Ministry: There were students in a park who wanted to practice their English with speaking to foreigners. This was a really good opportunity for us to come in contact with locals and get to know their country better.
Last but not least a sweet blessing from God: I got to meet Debora from Switzerland for the first time. She is doing the World Race as well, currently in month 6. We texted a lot but never saw each other before. But finally our routes got together so that we could meet each other in person. What a sweet and unexpected Swiss reunion this was in Vietnam!
