Here I am one day away from being in Atlanta, GA to travel 13 different countries in South America for 11 months.
So How am I feeling?
Excited. Adventurous. A badass. Thrilled.
And..
Terrified. Scared. Nervous. Unworthy.
Words alone cannot paint the emotions that are currently infused within my spirit.
Let me paint this illustration into your mind of how I feel. Imagine you are standing at a starting line of a race, ready to take off. The only force keeping you from darting out into the open roads is the sound of a gun shooting off into the morning fog. While standing there you sense the cold breeze breathing down your neck that sends shivers down the spine. Stomach twisted into a knot but mixed with butterflies. Heart beating so fast that it could literally beat out of your chest. Legs ready to take off like Road Runner.
Then there is that mental barrier of feeling inadequate. What if I twist my ankle. What if I don’t improve my PR (personal record). What if I let the team and coach down. What if I don’t meet the expectations of others. What if I fail.
Suddenly, you close your eyes. And begin to
Breathe in… Breathe out…
Breathe in…. Breathe out…
There you hear a voice deep inside speaking. It tells you that this is the moment that you have been waiting for. The race that you have trained for months, the race that you have been dreaming for years, the race that has inspired you to leave your comfort zone and trust.
Finally, you open your eyes piercing into the open road ready to conquer the race.
Boom!
The race has begun.
Now that you have gain some perspective of the emotions that I’m feeling. Let me elaborate on what I’ve been facing these past 2 weeks leading to the start of the race. For starters, God is good and has been faithful to my prayers. I’ve been battling for the past year of seeing my sister to know God more everyday and to experience His love for her. And He did just that. For the past several Sundays my sister has reached out to me, asking “Are you going to church Sunday?” To hear that question stirs my sprit even more knowing that God has heard my prayers. Not only that, but our relationship has become much closer than ever before.
Also, I visited back home last Sunday to find one of my old friends who had given his life back to God. I was so consumed by the Holy Spirit that had transformed his mind and renewed his heart. He talked with so much inspiration and walked with his back straight up as if he was ready to take on the world with God. I was so startled by his transformation that I couldn’t stop hearing his story of how God brought him back. This was a man who had been strung out on drugs, a man who lived in the presence everyday with no future in mind, a man with a child in a different state, a man that slept with countless women, the list goes on. But nothing and I mean nothing compares to the love that the Father has for him. And toward the end of our conversation, he pierced me in the eye and said “I watched your life all these years and God has set you apart for his kingdom, thank you for being my role model.” I was left speechless, thinking what did I do to influence him? I don’t have my life together either.
However, Satan is always seeking to kill, devour, and destroy. Last Tuesday I became angry, outrage, and cold hearted when I received a phone call from my biological father. It was the words that left his mouth that set my spirit into fear. It stated with a conversation of how are you doing son and ended I bought a one way ticket back home. Left in dismayed knowing that my dad had walked out on my life once again made me feel inadequate and unworthy. I always tried to live to the expectations of his, hoping that I could gain his love for me.
Then on top of that, trying to raise support for the race has become dreadful. Ever since coming back from training camp, I would meet with lawyers, businessmen, churches, family, etc. to share my testimony and heart what God was doing through me. But in the end I would be denied of help. I became angry within myself questioning God, why can’t these people see you? Why are they so greedy? Why are you not working in them? Why can they not see beyond their own eyes? God I have given up my life for you? I sold my car? Left my home? gave my clothes away?
Here I am with all these emotions running through my body and mind standing at the starting line, ready to leave the country. And I ask God what do you want? Can you not see that I am unworthy, afraid, excited, thrilled, etc. How can you use a person like me that is constantly battling.
And He says Fabian
“Close your eyes
Breathe in… Breathe out…
Breathe in…. Breathe out..”
In the midst of meditating God spoke Philippians 3:13-14
“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Now open your eyes to the race that I have set before you. Will you let go and trust me?
