“Be Pure. Be Wise. Be Blessed.”
It’s been approximately nine months since I’ve been single, yet I’ve never encountered God’s love fully. Why? Well, ever since attending college, I’ve always found myself in a relationship, battling with lust, porn, etc. For the first time in my life God’s love has taken a hold of me, through that I’ve seen Christ pull me closer and closer to his perfect love holding my heart more and more every day. However, that road didn’t come easy; after breakup after breakup I drowned myself into deeper sin by engaging in sexual acts out of loneliness. When that didn’t work, I would turn to porn that was building lies in my head. The frustration of just be lonely irritated my flesh every single day. I didn’t know how to manage being single or what to do during that period of time. BUT one day while in the shower I heard God repeatedly asking me “Do you love me?” of course I responded back. Then the Lord said “Why do you give yourself away to others but not to me?” I exited the shower speechless, while that questioned settled in my spirit all week until I gave up and said okay Lord “show me what this love you speak of looks like” Through that encounter God has shown me what it looks to pursue him fully while single. Though the battle of singleness remains and through that The Lord has been gracious enough to show me what it means to wait. I want to address to single men and women what it feels like to wait for marriage, how I battle with loneliness, how I find contentment, and how I’m preparing for marriage.
Since women always seem to outnumber men in church and ministry settings, we tend to believe that Christian men have it easier because they seemingly have so many women to choose from. Do I think it’s harder for a man to wait for God for marriage? Why?
First of all, neither gender has it “easier”; that’s a myth that needs to be put to bed once and for all. It’s not like for guys church is an episode of “The Bachelor” and we are surrounded by women clamoring for our affection—thankfully! Men and women who are single in the Church both have it hard. Women are burdened by the unrealistic physical expectations that society has fostered… and men are burdened by the unrealistic emotional expectations fostered by that very same society.
I think both genders struggle to wait for God in marriage, but it often seems more acceptable for women to vocalize their emotional desire for companionship; whereas men tend to internalize their struggle more. That’s one of the reasons that I believe men should be more open and honest with what it’s like to long for a Godly wife who can help fulfill their emotional, physical and spiritual needs.
The idea that “God is all you need” may be true on a basic spiritual level and many people choose to put forward the “I’m just dating Jesus” attitude—but inwardly they are groaning for human companionship and intimacy that NO time of prayer or Bible study can fulfill (because, contrary to pop-theology, they were never intended to!). We need to accept this notion and not send such mixed signals regarding what it means spiritually to be single yet desiring of marriage.
I readily admit that the loneliness can be very difficult to endure, but how have I identified some practical ways to help overcome those lingering feelings of loneliness that I can share?
Loneliness is crushing, and churches and married friends/family should not minimize this fact. However, loneliness is not automatically cured by relationships or marriage (the American Christian landscape littered with divorce and broken homes attests to this loudly and clearly!). Romantic relationships fulfill one aspect of loneliness…but the root issues often remain because they are due to things like self-hatred, insecurities, rejection and bitterness.
So rather than looking for a spouse to dump all of these things onto in hopes of them being our emotional savior, it’s important to deal with them in an ongoing manner through healthier means. These include finding a group of other single Christian friends who you can openly share your struggles with—without it becoming a pity-party or gripe session! It also helps to find healthy friendships with married couples. Many times we can fall to extremes of over-romanticizing marriage or becoming overly-cynical and disparaging of it. Having married couple friends that you regularly interact with helps to keep such false notions in check.
Finally, cultivating healthy non-romantic friendships with people of the opposite sex seems to be a lost art in Churches. Bible studies, small groups, retreats and conferences are often gender-targeted and as a result, adult Christians end up losing the ability to relate to the opposite gender on any level other than potential romance or “that unknown and mysterious other gender!” If we don’t know how to be friends with the opposite sex, how do we think we’ll ever be able to be in a healthy marriage with them?
How do I find contentment in singleness though I desire to be married?
I think it helps to be able to be content IN my singleness, but not content WITH my singleness. In other words “it is not good that man should be alone” according to Genesis (and this was pre-Fall!). The ONLY thing in all creation before Sin entered the world that was said to not be “good” was man’s singleness. Thus, God created for him a suitable ‘ezer (the Hebrew word that is often, and unfortunately, translated as “helper” or “helpmate”, but which really means “deliverer” and is only used elsewhere in Scripture for God in His relationship to His people!), woman.
This means that the longing for a spouse is NOT a bad, sinful, or unspiritual desire that is to be suppressed, dismissed or ignored. However, like any other longing, it must not DEFINE who we are and rule our lives. We can be content with where we are while we wait for God to lead us to marriage; but we can’t do it alone! We need the support of the community of faith—friends, family, fellow believers, small groups, fellow service team members, etc. Contrary to much Protestant pop-theology, there’s no such thing as a “Just me and Jesus” Christian walk.
If we don’t have such support in our lives, we will never be content—especially if we end up getting married! If we stay single, we’ll become that bitter unpleasant person no one wants to be around, or if we marry, we’ll become “that couple” who is so self-absorbed with their relationship that they completely tune out the world around them…and then wonder why they don’t have any good friends to share life with!
How am I preparing for marriage or what would I recommend Christian singles begin doing to prepare for marriage?
The best advice by far, I believe, is: instead of looking so hard for the perfect spouse, spend more time looking to become the perfect spouse. In other words, are YOU someone you’d want to be in a romantic relationship with? What do YOU bring to the relationship? Are you looking for an emotional/romantic savior? If so, then it’s hard to see how you will ever be a blessing to someone else, don’t you think??
When it comes to dating (which I believe is something that can be healthy and Godly when done right!), we should seek to be a blessing to everyone we date, regardless of how the relationship ends. We should practice what it means to be honest, self-sacrificing, encouraging, and genuine whether it’s on a first date or in a long-term relationship. Of course the level of openness should be in proportion to the seriousness of the relationship (in other words, no need to bare one’s soul completely on a first lunch outing!); but even in dating we should practice being the kind of person that we would want to be in a marriage.
This includes ending the relationship openly and honestly once we realize that it is not going to continue to grow toward marriage. At that point, it’s tempting to continue along in hopes that things will change and because it’s comfortable…but this is not honest and it’s not edifying to the person we are stringing along who may be developing deeper feelings than we are capable of returning.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. –Philippians 1:9-11
