I was listening to music in the van that stalled at every stop yet somehow always got us where we needed to be. It was our last full week in Tak Fa, Thailand and a very busy one at that. We traveled far to teach English at a school. Well, English camp was over and we were heading to a church to spend the night. I was slightly annoyed with my teammates and frustrated with my teaching capabilities so I was tuning the world out with music. I remember starting a conversion with God. I remember thinking about why I was comparing myself to my teammates and why I was actually annoyed. Then out of the blue, clear as day, God said “Evie, you don’t love yourself.” The words shook me to my very core. I couldn’t deny the truth of that statement. But it was a problem I didn’t know how to fix.
It only took one second before all my insecurities came flooding in. It didn’t take long before I was drowning in the oncoming flood. I started thinking about all my faults and how I wanted to change things out of my reach. Unknowingly, I compiled a list of everything I hated about myself and bookmarked it in my brain. I looked around at my teammates and saw capabilities I wish possessed, areas they excelled in where I did not. It only took a few moments for the devil to gain a foothold and all I did was open the door wider.
While the devil was broadcasting my insecurities in every corner of my mind, God was whispering truths on my deepest level. He said, “I made you, every part of you. Don’t you think I knew what I was doing, who I was creating?” The words were hard to hear above the noise and even harder to believe. The words were so faint, it was easier to remember the louder voices instead.
I isolated myself from my team from that moment on, because I wanted to process this new realization alone, at least that’s what I told myself. I thought that since comparison was part of the problem, community would only make it worse. Expect it really only made it easier for the devil to invade my thoughts and drown out God’s voice. Every hour or so I’d pull out the list of things I hated and read it like a well-loved book you read over and over again. Instead of looking at the things I actually liked about myself, I focused on the things I wished I could change. My sense of worth was out the window, my confidence down to zero. I wanted space and time to rediscover my worth, but those things were not in my power to have. In a very defiant way, I decided to stop trying to be anything other than who I thought I was, which wasn’t much. I was miserable. My teammates noticed, of course. I was silent and irritable and all together not myself. When they asked what was wrong, I just said I didn’t want to talk about it yet.
Time continued to move, night ended and a new day came. There was ministry to be done, new schools to teach at. We teamed up with long-term missionaries from another province. We went to two schools and did the usual games, songs, and teaching. The missionaries were full of wisdom and very interesting to talk to. It was also really nice to talk to people who spoke English as their first language. We shared, prayed, and ate together afterwards. Ministry was great, but spiritually I was still a wreck.
All throughout the day, thoughts from the night before were circling around in the back of my mind. God’s voice and the devil’s were still colliding. I was still not trying and isolating myself. Eventually, I realized not trying was only making everything worse. I had enough; I finally accepted myself for who I am, for how God created me. I think that was really the core of the issue, I didn’t accept myself, so how could I love myself? In my thirst for change, I forgot God is the initiator. He’s the one who holds the chisel. He’s the one who decides what needs changing.
This is still something God is speaking into my life. I’m still learning how to love myself, still learning my worth runs deeper than my capabilities, my looks, my strengths, or my weaknesses. I’m learning to remember the things I love about who I am like my words, my quiet dignity, my passionate heart and also acknowledging my faults as a way for God to Himself glory.
