So it has hit. The breakdown. This post is very hard for me to post because I’m not that person that shows her hurt and pain. So please bare with me. I’m so blessed that I was called to go by Jesus but I’m fighting my flesh right now.
I knew it was coming. My faith hasn’t left me but I’m hanging on so hard. Everyone gets those moments where you kist ask God please just tell me the reason you do this. My question was why have you finally giving me such a good family and a “good life” then pulling me away again. Why couldn’t you have just told me I was going when I was homeless and wanted to just take a plane somewhere to start a new life. As I sat at the supper table with my packing cubes new shoes on and new clothes, my sister on the opposite side playing with her new makeup, I pull a piece of wrapping paper from the box to make another list of things to do. My mama comes over to sit with us and dad walks up. That’s when it hit. My heart just crumbles like a phone hitting concrete with no case. I’m less than two weeks away from leaving to go do missionary work. I’m leaving my heart strings behind. I’m going to not sit at this table to have suppers and confession time. My best friend and I going to breakfast in the AM on Saturday mornings. My sisters birthday, My mama’s birthday, my fiance birthday. My sisters 8th grade promotion. Her taking driver’s education. Our get together we have for the super bowl at my aunt house. Going to Zaxbys with my man. The Mexican food after church with my family. The spontaneous get together my fiance family has. The work get togethers my job puts on for there employees during the year. Seeing the new babys being born. The holidays. The traditions I’ve gotten use to. I could go on and on. I love to journal and I always journal the pain and hurt. Telling me that I’m crazy for going overseas for a year. Going to a place that you have know idea about the language. But my spirit man is thanking Jesus for picking me to go, spread His word among nations and bring dry bones up to speak life into them. It’s a very painful fight that I was praying I wouldn’t have to go through. Just it sneak up on me and it already pass so fast I wouldn’t be able to think. But I know he has placed me hear for such a time as this and Isaish 61:3 was placed in my head. I shouldn’t run from my heart being broken. This brokenness is a blessing because it will allow me to see God and His power will flow. Yes it hurts we all feel hurt in some way or another. But His plans are far more than ANYTHING we can imagine. His answer to my why was because you would have went for the wrong reasons at that moment in life. If your willing to take this leap for me nothing else will be impossible. Crying myself to sleep tonight yes no dought. But through this storm it to shall pass and this brokeness that I’m battling right now is just me on the road to a breakthrough.
