C.S Lewis was right with what he said about pain. He said that pain, that is emotional pain, feels so much like fear. It has the same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, and lump in your throat that keeps you swallowing endlessly. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. Like having a blanket between you and the world. Not hearing what anyone is saying, or at least not wanting to. Pain and fear are both topics that are relevant to life this week for me. And for whatever reason, God has made numerous discussions surrounding me on the same topic. Must be I am here to learn something… But its like Lewis said, there is something to be said, or something to be learned, but not wanting to hear it. Its been a moment in which, in all honesty, I remembered I wasn’t superman. Things for as long as I remember have been good, seeing God provide in ways I would have never expected, and while He still provides, the stark reality is that there is side of life that wont be so easy. It will be rough, and will have to be dealt with. In all honesty, I never wanted to be superman. I never want people to see me as superman. I know you say, obviously, you couldn’t be superman if you wanted. But I just mean that I dont want to be seen as independent, or does everything right. I often put this disguise up that I am stronger than I really and don’t need people, but the truth is, my heart yearns for relationships, for people who are there to help me. Its weird how we can act tough and strong all the time, but what our souls crave, how God designed us, is to have people in close community with us that they can help us through anything.
All that superman talk just to say I am glad God gave me this rough patch to remind me that even when times are good, I need to remember that I cant do this on my own. I cant start thinking life can be done on my own when things are good, and that I can’t let my guard down.
And I don’t just mean this through pain I am dealing with, but also through fear of the uncertain. They feel the same, like Lewis says, and are often tied together. Pain of life, of relationships or the lack there of, can bring fear of having no one. The reality of this trip is settling in, and the feeling of fear with that is mixing in with the pain of certain parts of life, and its a heavy burden.
Lewis was also right when he said “pain would be no problem unless, side by side with our daily experiences of this painful world, we had received what we think a good assurance that ultimate reality is righteous and loving.” Basically saying, we would not know pain if we have not experienced that which is good, or joyful. We couldn’t have the bad, the fear, the pain unless we saw the opposite: the good, the safe, and the love. No matter the circumstance, there is beauty somewhere before the pain. I hate the pain, but I would never trade or wish for anything different than the beauty that led to the pain.
I have gone through all the Christian cliche answers, and nothing has helped. No reasons for pain or fear, and why things are happening resolve any of the pain or fear. The only thing that comforts is the small Voice that whispers promises of the better. The Voice that doesn’t try to give any answers, but instead just says, ” I am truly sorry, and I am here.” Its the only thing that really helps, to be honest. Its the only comfort to the pain in life or the fear of the unknown with this trip coming up.
Sorry for the depressing post, but in all the fear and pain, I have learned I don’t lean on my Shelter, and my Love as much as I should during these times. Its reminded me of how loving and how sympathetic a God who created the entire universe, filled with thousands and thousands of galaxies, can be there to comfort the emotions of each and every person. The Lord provides. Everything.Whatever we NEED, whenever we need it.
