I walked out of work today like I have numerous times within the last few months. The sun shining down, giving warmth, even in the midst of snow on the ground all around me. I felt the sun and the warmth and wondered why the empty, frustrated feeling followed me when all I wanted was to enjoy the feeling you get when spring is in the air. Springtime always makes the mood lighter, but for me, it didn’t.
So, I walked out of the office and got in the car with Annee to head over to her sister's for dinner. On the way, she vented about work and how people are so stingy to those who try to make a living at serving people. Having been in the restaurant industry myself, I know firsthand that servers don’t make enough. But that’s another discussion.
I listened to her stories of not getting a tip on a $70 check, and all of this compounded into the feeling of emptiness, and soon rolled into frustration and anger. We pulled in to the apartment complex and parked, and Annee asked me what I was thinking. I immediately broke down and began to cry. She asked me what was wrong, if I was mad at her, what’s going on, or where my heart was.
Before this moment, the only thing that brought my heart feeling was a brief moment from the Race. Flashbacks from the Race aren’t rare for me. About the same time every day, a specific moment from the Race flashes through my mind. And everyone keeps telling me I should write these memories down, that God is trying to teach me something. And this moment definitely was. The memory was from Qatar, on our layover from Romania to South Africa. We had a 4 hour layover and the airline gave us a free hotel room to stay in during those 4 hours. The one moment that spoke to me was during our bus ride back to the airport. It was 4 in the morning, and we were all half asleep. Our bus driver was Muslim, but had American dance music playing. A few of us started dancing. The driver turned, saw that we liked it, cranked it up and began dancing with us. In that simple moment, Christians and a Muslim became friends. We danced together at 4 o’clock in the morning. What was it about this moment that brought my heart back to a time when I couldn’t find it anywhere else? Annee asked me again, “where is your heart?”
And I responded, “I don’t know where my heart is. It’s not here.” It’s what has been causing the empty feeling. I told her I couldn’t find it, that I didn’t find happiness in my 9-5 job, and while people around the world are suffering, my heart is gone.
And she said, “Evan, I know where you heart is. It’s with the homosexual that is hated, the orphan with no one to love them, the invisible women and children caught in the sex industry being used, the innocent and enemy being killed in consequence of meaningless political debate, it’s with those who cant defend their own hearts.”
And she was spot on. In the midst of the red and pink banners being thrown around on Facebook, the threat of war, who is America’s enemy is and who isn’t America's enemy, I sat there and balled because of the blurred lines between the loving Christian and the political Christian. I wondered where the Love that never fails us is when it doesn’t pertain to us, but when it leaves in the moment when traditional marriage is questioned, when an intruder breaks in to our house, or when someone from another religion does anything. That love that never fails us fails them when we choose to let political views come before our Relational views.
The thing that I didn’t pick up on until now is how politics got left behind on the race. The only thing that mattered was how well we are loving others. And I forgot how political America is, and how a lot of times we, as Christians, let politics dictate our faith, as if the state’s laws determine our faith.
I told Annee, “I am sick of us coming home every day complaining about our jobs while people are being hated. I’m sick of fighting for a country when no one is fighting for the hearts of those who are hurting. I want to change the world.”
And I am still battling lies. I want to change the world more than anything. I want to show those who often feel hated, forgotten, abused, and lonely the love that never fails anyone, in any context, gay, straight, abused or lonely. It’s a love that surpasses all understanding. It surpasses our political standing, our racial bias, our simplistic mind, and in the most complex of times, it simply… is.
And the lies are still saying that I can’t change the world. That no one cares who I am, or what I have to say. But I’ll work through them. I’ll keep pushing. I will keep loving, because that is where my heart is. Anywhere else, my heart is lost. For those who feel hated, alone, abused and hurt, hang on. His Love is coming. Through me, and through those who see the Love that surpasses all understanding. I will change the world. Love is coming.
