There was a time a while ago that I felt I
was walking in a forest full of full, colorful, luscious fruit, and the passion
I had for Christ and the working of the Holy Spirit in my life. In the last
part of Ecuador and the beginning of Peru, I felt like I had a passion I have
never had before in my entire life. I was craving His word, feeling His Spirit
working and had passion to be doing things for Him because of my love.
Lately, I feel like I have been in a
desert. Not put there, but thrown in a desert with my mouth full of sand. I try
to spit it all out, but there are still grains in between my teeth and I can
feel the grind, and the bitter taste of it in my mouth. I feel like I have lost
all that passion I have had. I feel like everything I have been doing for
Christ has been out of obedience. And to be honest, obedience is so important
in our Christian walk, but what about that time where my faith went beyond
obedience, when it was out of a understanding of a love so deep, I couldn’t
help but feel it in my heart and keep moving forward in what God wants for me?
That is what I am longing for. I am longing to go beyond obedience. Im not sure
if that even makes sense, but there is more to following Christ than obedience.
There is love that demands love in return.
I told this to my team earlier today. I
told them I had a passion before, and for something probably of my own doing, I
lost it. I had it, and at one moment, I got in my way, and it was gone. I told
my team I wanted it back. I told them I have been trying hard the last few
weeks to find it again, but I feel like there has been absolutely no answer
from God. I feel like He is leaving me in the desert to try and try and try,
seemingly to never find it again.
But here is where I went wrong: trying.
Does that makes sense? My teammates pointed out to me that I have spent the
last two weeks trying to find a passion that cant be found. The passion of
following Christ is not something that can be obtained, but is a result of a
life of absolute service and surrender to Him. John 15:5-7 says this, ” I am
the vine, you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces
much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in
Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and withers. They gather them, throw them
in to the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in Me and My words remain in
you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you.”
I am the type of person who works to obtain
different things. I work hard to complete a marathon. I train to compete in an
half-ironman. And with this comes a feeling of there has to be a way to obtain
everything in my relationship with God, and that has caused some troubles.
Passion isn’t something I can work for. Its something only God can give me. And
until that moment, obedience is the only thing I can do. I can obey, and remain
in Him and ask for the passion I have been seeking.
I think that’s one of the big things I need
to learn on this trip and in life: nothing in the Christian life is obtained by
anything we do. Its given to us out of grace and for the glory of Christ. To be
honest, the passion I’m seeking was probably for selfish reasons. That and this
lesson of a GIFT is hard for me to understand. It’s a gift, and that makes it
the most beautiful thing in the world.
