God BROKE ME at training camp. I went there with all these expectations of what it would be like, and what God was about to do, and ALL of them were shattered. I knew God was going to change me during training camp because I read some other blogs saying it happens, but didn't expect what happened. I was pushed to my limit (physically and emotionally), I was uncomfortable (physically and emotionally), and I was terribly confused because they do not give you a schedule at training camp and no one knows what to expect. But the mystery is a part of it, and through the hardships of camp, God revealed himself to me in a way I had never seen before.
I was not used to the culture I was suddenly surrounded by. I heard people talking about how they missed their church, and I'm here thinking "Dude, I didn't even go to church every week before this…" I'm used to being very stiff and slightly uncomfortable in church. The first night I was there during the worship session, I felt free. What a strange feeling! Feeling free in a religious setting? YEAH. I was free to worship God in whatever way I felt I should. Instead of being stiff, looking around, and tapping on the seat in front of me, I closed my eyes, raised my hands, and sang along (even if i didn't really know the words.) That first night I heard God speaking to me louder than I had heard him in years. He said "I'm gonna BREAK you." And I believed Him, although at that point I had no idea what that really meant. It maybe took a little while, but BOY did he deliver on that promise. Here's how:
I cried more at training camp than I have in the past couple years combined. Men don't cry, DUH. That's what I've been taught. Real men don't cry right? Especially not in public. Yeah…tell that to the guy who was on his knees SOBBING in front of hundreds of people in the chapel. There were times where it even got on my nerves like "DUUUDE WHY AM I CRYING RIGHT NOW?! Theres NO reason for this!" That was God breaking me. No more bottling it in. No more preconceived notion of what a man should be. I am no longer in control.
I kept getting down on myself by saying stuff like "I'm new to all this" and "I have no idea what I'm doing" and "everyone else is more cut out for this than me" and "maybe this isn't for me." But God used my fantastic squad to tell me that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I found in my squad a community unlike any other I've ever been a part of. They weren't turned away by my story, and they didn't cringe when they heard the things I've done. They heard my story and were super supportive. A lot of them even suffered through some of the same things I did. They we're all so genuinely psyched to see how God was working in me and how He was going to use me. The idea that I had that I was unworthy of doing His work was SHATTERED.
To my atheist friends reading this right now. This paragraph involves you guys a little bit. I've spent so long being ashamed of what I believe. All my friends think Christians are a bunch of hateful crazies like the Westboro Baptist Church, so I was never really proud when I said "yeah I'm a christian…" But God changed my heart and I can now say that I LOVE JESUS CHRIST AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS. Never again will I live in shame of the God who loves me and couldn't be more proud of me despite the disaster that I am. And if that makes me a weirdo, a proud weirdo I will be.
I said in a previous blog that I didn't like worship music. Well guess what God did? He put a calling in my heart to worship. Not only did I feel that calling, all of my squad-mates and a lot of my leaders told me that God was going to use me in worship. I wasn't too sure about this calling until I was standing around with some friends and I played a worship song and managed to make a grown man cry. That was God breaking me and telling me that this is what He's calling me to do. And even though Hillsong and David Crowder Band aren't my favorite bands, I'm meant to do this. My idea of what worship is has completely changed. It's not about the sound, it's about the action. The God I believe in is AMAZING and it is an incredible honor to worship Him and help others to get closer to Him by leading them in worship.
At training camp I learned to say "God, do ANYTHING you need to do in me so that I can do EVERYTHING you want to do through me." I let God break me. I let Him change me and make me better than I was before. Would you let God break you? Or maybe, if you feel like you're broken into a million pieces, would you let Him come and fix you? Are you who you want to be? And is that REALLY who you want to be? Would you let Him make you the person He wants you to be?
