One of the earliest memories I have of my childhood life is not a happy one. I remember my sister and I running home on a cold winter day. As we ran we had to cover our heads, because there were some older boys throwing chunks of ice at us. Not a fun, snowball fight kind of moment. They were throwing big ice rocks, and they hurt. I don’t remember exactly what they were saying but, looking back, it must have been something along the lines of “Get out of our town spicks!” I didn’t get it. I didn’t know why they hated us, and I didn’t see how I was any different from them. All I knew is they did, and for some reason, we were different.
Insecurities are something I’ve dealt with my whole life. Thinking I was somehow lower or lesser than others. It’s been a constant struggle since that cold winter day.
I’ve always gotten picked on, as far back as I can remember. Kids can be the most horrible people sometimes. My mom even tells me stories of when I was in pre-school, and every time someone would do something wrong, the whole class already knew to blame it on me. It just became a normal part of my life.
I am 23 years old, and I have moved 18 times, so I never really had a lot of friends, and being “popular” was never a possibility for me. I was always the nerdy kid in the corner, with no friends, always drawing and thinking about superheroes and comic book fantasy life, just trying to escape. That was me.
NOW lets talk about a man named Tony Stark. Tony Stark is a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. He is the owner of the world’s biggest weapons manufacturing company (STARK Industries), and is most commonly known to the world as IRON MAN. Tony Stark is the perfect example of confidence. Mostly he exhibits the close but very different trait of cockiness, but his confidence is unparalleled and indisputable. He has the right you know? This guy is a billionaire, graduated MIT way before anyone should, is really good looking, and actually helps others with all the money he has. So he walks into every room like he owns it (a lot of the time he does), and he isn’t afraid of talking to anyone like they are equal to him, including high ranking government officials. My point is, Tony Stark is the perfect picture of confidence.
We were in Malaysia having a worships session with my team one night, and my squad leader Jena Foster was writing a note. God was telling her to give someone in the room the note which said a lot of stuff like “Find your confidence in the Lord. He is enough. Do not let your insecurities control you. Be bold and confident you are a child of the most high God. The more you flatter your insecurities, the farther you become from confidence in faith. With confidence comes joy.” At first she didn’t know who the note was for. As she asked God, He told her to give it to me. She thought “Evan? This couldn’t be for him…” (I’ve learned to hide my insecurities pretty well at this point) but she felt the lord telling her to give it to me so she did. When I read it, I knew God was speaking to me. So I told my team all about my life growing up rejected, and picked on, and all the insecurities I have because of it. They spoke truth over me, and prayed from me, and that night, something inside me started to change.
You see, with all that rejection, and bullying, and loneliness did to me was shape who I saw myself as. I created my self image and personality based on my insecurities. So I became a violent, angry person. I wouldn’t hesitate to scream and yell about something. Hot headed, and cold blooded. I had trouble talking to people because I thought they were above me, like I was never good enough. My social skills were broken for a long time. Before the race, I couldn’t carry on a normal conversation with someone. I would st-st-stutter a lot and the conversation was always full of awkward silences.
I was finding my identity in my insecurities. Everything I knew about myself to be true was everything I hated about myself. But now God is showing me to live my life differently. He told me to find my identity in Him, and in the fact that Jesus Christ died for me.
So now I’m making that change. I won’t live my life being controlled by my insecurities any more. I’m going to live my life as boldly and as confidently as Tony Stark. But unlike him, my confidence and boldness will not be found in my works, or my ego, or how much money I have in the bank, or how many girls i can get, or any of that. I’m gonna find my confidence on a cross. I’m gonna find my boldness in an empty grave. I will find my confidence in Jesus, and in knowing that I am the son of the Almighty God, King of the universe. No one is ever above me, and no one is ever below me, so I fear no man or his thoughts.
This is the change God is doing in me, and I dare you to do the same. I dare you to live your life and not let what you think others think of you define who you are. I dare you to leave that mentality behind and only think about what God thinks of you. He says you are His child, and that He loves you. There’s nothing you can do to make Him love you more, and there’s nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He just loves you because you are His child. I’m done with my old way of thinking. I’m letting Jesus be what defines me as a person. I live by my insecurities no longer. I am a son of God. I am bold. I am confident.
