Is there any way to actually begin to put into words what has happened the last five days? Even more, are words even remotely adequate to measure a year in one’s life? (well, 8 1/2 months, but you catch my drift) Our words have power, they carry weight, they mean something. So…I guess I’ll try my best here.
We call the World Race a pressure-cooker of sorts. From day 1 of training camp we are thrust into the most real, authentic, and oh-so-raw community. Our leadership shepherds us into a new season of abandonment, of brokenness, and of total commitment to the Father and His purposes for us. Stretching accommodations, limited finances for food and lodging, along with the stresses of overseas travel all contribute to bringing us to the end of ourselves. The end of our desires, the end of our preconceived notions of who we are.
And I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’d even begun to understand the magnitude of how the Lord uses all of these things in the lives of World Racers to mold confident, secure men and women who are totally and completely submitted to His heart…until the moment when I realized I would be going home. [two and a half months early] Sitting in that doctor’s office, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My World Race was about to end, and it was not going to look like what I had hoped.
In that moment, the peace of God flooded over me. I experienced the comfort of the Holy Spirit in a way I never had before, as if God Himself was actually sitting next to me, holding my hand, assuring me that He would be with every step of my journey home. I. Am. Never. Alone.
And in the hours that followed, there were many tears. Several phone calls to sort out logistics later, and one sleepover with my bestie later, the flight was booked. I was not going to finish the World Race with my squad. But did this mean I wouldn’t finish? Absolutely not. I am finishing, and finishing with joy. I am finishing with a heart that is so full, so thankful, and so joyful. Because as cheesy as it sounds, when God redirects a path, you had better believe that the new path is going to be a heck of a lot greater than the old.
A few things I’ve heard from the Lord during my final five days on the World Race:
I knew this would pan out in this manner from the very beginning. I brought you through each phase of this journey, carried you, held you, sustained you. There is not a moment from this entire process that was hidden from my sight or my direction. Don’t be fooled to think this was a surprise to me, or that I was caught off guard in any way, shape, or form. (even though you were, just a little)
You came to a crossroads, and you chose JOY! My daughter, oh how proud I am of you! The enemy wanted to steal your joy, and in the past you have freely given it without struggle. But look, see what abundance comes from trusting Me fully, and not holding tighter to anything in this world more than my truth.
I am the same God in America as I have been on the World Race. I don’t ever change. Remember this as you re-integrate your life back into a home that might not feel like home right away. Dwell on my faithfulness, meditate on My Word day and night, remember the promises I have kept in your life. And remember that I will continue to keep My promises to you.
You are a changed woman. You have seen the darkness of your sin through difficult circumstances, challenging feedback, and my own exposure. But this has not led you to despair, but to my feet. I have been here all along, taking your hand, ever so gently leading you…step by step. You’ve trusted me. I promise that I am Immanuel, God with YOU. I will never leave you or forsake you. And I promise to walk out every step of this transition with you. You. Are. Not. Alone.
Because my race has ended [is ending? It’s hard to tell] in an unconventional way, I had an incredibly unique last week on the mission field. I had the chance to worship on the beach with my team, spend quality time with squadmates whom I love so dearly, and the incredibly beautiful opportunity to fellowship with almost half of our squad over dinner last night to celebrate my birthday a couple of weeks early. [I was not-so-secretly sad about not getting the chance to celebrate my birthday with the entire squad at our Leadership Development Weekend at the end of this month] I was loved on like crazy as my closest friends spent immense amounts of quality time with me, affirmed me, prayed for me, and continued to assure me of God’s goodness amidst uncertain circumstances.
I am choosing to believe that even though I don’t understand, God is in this.
I am choosing to believe that even though it’s not what I would have picked for myself, His plans are better.
I am choosing to believe that even though saying goodbye is hard, the reunions will be that much sweeter.
I am choosing to believe that even though I’m not finishing with my squad, I’m finishing what the Lord intended me to finish in this season.
I am choosing to believe that even though the enemy tried his darndest to mess with me here, that the Lord fights for me, and He equips me to choose joy. It’s only by His strength.
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?”
-A. A. Milne
