Tuesday night I had one of the worst night’s sleep in my life. But despite that I would say it was one of the most faithful nights of my life. God truly is sovereign and uses all for His good purpose. Even sufferings and trials bring about stronger faith and greater maturity. Not to say that I completely understand the Lord’s ways. Not in the slightest. But I’ve learned that if I keep my eyes, ears, and heart open, then I will see the Lord working.
Around 1 a.m. I woke and started feeling nauseous and developing the chills. As I lay there in bed I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable. As my stomach continued to grow worse I started to cuss under my breath. I started crying out to God to relieve my suffering. It only grew worse. I tried to breath/meditate to fall asleep. “Jesus” I breathed in. “Healing” I breathed out. I couldn’t focus though. Nothing changed. I climbed down out of bed and went to the toilet hoping to throw up. Nothing.
Lord if you are good bring about relief. Lord I am your chosen son; why am I feeling this? Lord answer me and bring about restoration for I have done so much for you. I never prayed or thought any of these exact things but subconsciously I was thinking these things. Lord where are you? Bring about healing in my body? What possibly could I gain from this? Completely out of nowhere something switched deep in my soul. I started to pray with a more thankful spirit though. I changed my focus from my pain to God’s love. “Jesus” I breathed in. “Love” I breathed out. I started to praise God despite my suffering and prayed for others feeling how I felt. I thanked Him that He is still good and still sovereign even in this.
Should I wake one of my teammates to pray for me I thought? As I thought over this I heard Nick’s (one of my teammates) voice, “Ethan.” I turned and went to Nick’s bed. He was asleep but I knew that I needed to wake him to pray over me. I really didn’t want to but I knew the Lord was telling me to so I woke him. He graciously prayed over me. I went back to the bathroom and stood there praising God. I still felt nauseous but somehow it was less prevalent now. The song that we had sung earlier that night as a squad kept playing in my head: “This is how I fight my battles. It may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by you.”
I climbed back into bed and the feeling that I should wake a teammate to pray over me remained. I still really didn’t want to. “Why are you asking me to do this Lord? I don’t want to disturb them when it’s unneeded. I don’t want to be a burden. I can deal with this on my own with you; you don’t need to work through others. Why do I need to wake them?” The Lord replied to me, “Trust me.” I worked up the courage to obey and climbed down and woke Joe to pray over me. He did so and I returned to my bed.
But as I lay there I felt the Lord telling me “Wake each of your brothers. You will need each of them. You cannot do anything on your own. You will fight your battles with them at your side. You need to trust them and be vulnerable with them. Do you trust that their love for you is greater than their displeasure at being roused by you?” At this point I was past questioning the legitimacy of the voice. My voice would not tell me to do something this “crazy.” But it was another matter choosing to be obedient. I honestly remember thinking: “What kind of story do I want to tell about this night?”
With that motivation I climbed out of bed in obedience once again and went one by one to each of my teammates: Noah, Will, Blake, Jordan, and B. This is so stupid I thought to myself. Why am I waking each of them up when I honestly don’t feel terrible anymore? I’m being obedient and stepping out in faith I continued to tell myself. Once all of them had prayed for me I realized that I needed to go to Po (my team leader) as well and ask for prayer. So I went over to his room. The door squealed open and I cringed. I woke him and he prayed for me. I thanked him and I once more climbed back into bed.
I had thought that after stepping out in obedience this whole time, waking each one of my teammates to pray for me, that the Lord would heal me. But I still felt nauseous and still had the chills. “What now, Lord?” I asked. “Go back to each teammate and wake them up again; have them pray over you together,” the Lord responded. “Why Lord? Haven’t I done enough? Why do you want me to wake them up again?” But by this point I wasn’t going to stop. I crept back over to Po’s and the door squealed open once again. I told him what the Lord had told me and he came with me to the other room. Silently I woke everyone up again and they all prayed for me.
I climbed back into bed while they all fell asleep again. I still didn’t feel healed; but there was definite peace in knowing I had been obedient thus far. With somewhat hesitancy I thought, “What next, Lord?” “Wake each of your teammates up again and this time you pray over them.” “Are you crazy Lord? I’ve already woken them up twice tonight. Is this really what you want me to do?” I didn’t get a response and as time progressed I was unsure what the Lord truly wanted. I told myself this: “If God wants me to pray for them it’s for their benefit, not mine; therefore I should let them sleep and pray over them silently.” So I got down out of bed once again and went to each teammate and prayed over them silently.
At this point it was almost 3:30 and I was feeling very tired. Before climbing into bed I asked the Lord if He had anything else for me. I got the feeling He wanted me to do Yoga so that’s what I did. I did a few breathing exercises with Vinyasas. I felt really good and climbed back into bed ready to fall asleep.
But as I laid there my restlessness continued, my nauseousness returned, and my mind turned to cursing once again. I moaned and cried out to God for relief. I felt somewhat like Job; I had been so faithful and obedient and praised God in my sufferings yet He seemed to be ignoring me. I climbed down from bed once again and sat at the toilet in pain. I wanted to throw up so much. I continued to sit in misery crying out to the Lord. Around 4:30 I climbed back into bed and put headphones in with worship music playing. That helped somewhat but the pain was still real. I drifted in and out of sleep.
Around 5:30 the Lord brought me relief. I started throwing up violently. (Thankfully I had placed a trash can up on my bed for just such a moment.) I was able to sleep well for most of the remainder of the day. I wish this story had ended with me being full of joy and thanksgiving. And honestly I believe my pain would have been less if I had been full of thanksgiving and praise. But the Lord had grace on me and relieved my suffering regardless. He loved me too much to relieve my sufferings right as I asked. At the same time He loved me too much to let my suffering be overly prolonged.
I want to encourage you in whatever you are going through. Whether it’s a season of hardship or an unexpected trial know that the Lord is sovereign. And in His sovereignty He loves you. The Lord wants to use EVERYTHING in your life to shape you. He is forming you into the masterpiece that He had planned since the beginning of time.
He is the potter and we are the clay. Who are we to question how He forms us? As clay must be fired to be ready for use and gold must be put through flames to be purified so we must be put through hardships to reach maturity and perfection.
We have all seen our own ugliness and wished it was not so. Thankfully God isn’t finished with us yet. The process of change is slow but it is beautiful. It is often painful but it is refining. The presence of pain or discomfort does not mean God has left you. The very opposite is true. The presence of pain or discomfort means God is wanting to refine you. Live in that. Know that God is at work in your sufferings. Give thanks and praise even when it hurts. Listen for His “still small voice” and step out in obedience. Always have a willing yes in your spirit when God calls you. Even more so when times are hard for that is when God is going to do a mighty work in you.
“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold; though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.” – 1 Peter 1:6-9
