Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, “your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.” But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, “Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!” And he said to him, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found.” – Luke 15:25-32
Father, I am full of pride. Because of all that you are teaching me and doing in me I am afraid I might become arrogant. I have and do struggle with this. In all ways that I can see I am the elder son. I am jealous of the younger son. Of what he’s done and the way you have received him home and loved him anyway. I’m bitter. For I have wanted to do the same things but knowing they were wrong I never did them. Despite never having done them I wandered farther away from you than my younger brother. In my pride I believe I’m better than my younger brother and deserve more than they from you. Why would I be jealous of my younger brother though?
I have disregarded the brokenness of my younger brother. I have wanted sin and the pleasures he sought. Though I declared them wrong, in my heart I desired them and called them good. In as much as I could I did not act on that desire. I sought to please you Father by my good deeds and hard work. I tried to believe your ways were good and had my best in mind. But deep down I coalled sin good and was bitter that you would deny if from me.
I saw the pain of my younger brother and it pleased me. It seemed so just to me. They had chosen to abandon you and your ways for the pleasures of the world and now he was suffering for his insolence. He was getting what he deserved. My heart was glad at his destruction.
But then to my shock and horror you ran out to meet him and ease his pain with many kisses and a gentle embrace. You called him beloved son and restored his identity to him. You threw him a feast. Your unfair generosity disgusted me. Why would you such a sinner rather than me? I’ve tried so hard to please you and it seems like you haven’t noticed. Why do you love the wicked and hate the righteous?
I came to you full of righteous indignation demanding an explanation. You spoke gently to me. I couldn’t understant your love for my younger brother. Why did I never get my own feast I demanded. Why don’t you let me do what I want? And why do you show love to him and not me even when I’ve been the one working hard for you all these years!? I’ve done all these things to gain your approval and earn your love but you give it to him instead. I cannot love you. Why do you neglect me so?
Tears in his eyes, my Father explained He has always loved me and nothing can ever change that. Nothing could effect the way he loves any of His children. Not the good, not the bad. The bad become broken and recognize their need. The good become arrogant and despise generosity. This I understood and it cut me deep. But still I could not understand his love.
Your love is scandalous! It is lavished on all and that upsets me. If anyone deserves your love Lord it is me! I at least recognize your love as more desirable than what the world has to offer.
He looked at me with love in His eyes and said, you don’t deserve my love. My love is not the sort of thing anyone can earn. My love is too strong to store it up and give it only to those that are good enough. This notion is an insult to my love. I give my love freely and joyfully to any who will freely receive it. Just open up your heart and receive. I long for you to return home and to love with me again.
Father… I’m sorry for my foolish pride. Melt my arrogant and bitter heart in the fountain of your love. Transform the way I think and see. I want to be like you. Give me a generous heart that sees all people as your beloved children. Heal my soul of the lies I’ve believed about you, me, and my brothers. May my “goodness” never get in the way of your love again. May I bask in it till I overflow and become like you.
I love you Father. And not the version of you I’ve made up that is pleased with good people and angry at the bad. Would I love you for who you are and love my brothers for who they are. Show me who you are Father, so that when I say I love you, we will both know it is true.
