I grew up hearing about God. I heard that He was my heavenly Father and that He loved me very much. But why I wondered? And how? I have always been an introvert. Being lonely, broken, and afraid of what others thought of me, I wanted to meet this God who was said to love me. I had heard He loved the unlovable. He sought the lost and healed the broken. He delighted in the misfits of this world. If He existed I very much wanted to meet this God.
I sought him through prayer. Through walks alone under the starry skies. Through hikes over the sunset hills. Through His written Word that introduced me to the story of Israel, Jesus, and all nations. Through being still, listening, praising, I learned to love God. He met me and touched my heart. I felt the rush of His presence in these moments. And I wanted more. I wanted these moments to last for forever. Being touched by eternity is something that can’t be explained. I knew that this was my purpose in life. To be with God and to experience Him.
Though I found God in the stillness I always had to leave the holy ground and return to the life of humanity. The life of work, struggle, conflict, sin, brokenness, and so much pain. How do I reconcile these two worlds? How can I live in them both? For my heart burns to return to the Holy Ground and be touched by God. But at the same time the world pulls at me. I have responsibilities and God has a plan for me here. Reluctantly I realized that God wanted me to serve Him here by serving and loving others.
God had touched me and now I needed to lead others to Him. What I had experienced was so good so if only I could get others to experience God in the same way I did, then they would come to salvation. I tried to explain what it was to love God, what it was to be loved by God. What it was to sit before Him and experience the rush of His glory and taste His goodness. To be overwhelmed by Him to overflowing. But they couldn’t see. They didn’t understand despite my elaborate words and hours of planning. They pushed me off as another pious righteous man who condemned the world and wanted to leave it. And they were right. I did want to leave this world.
I became embittered. I became jaded. No one loved God like I did. Even those who claimed to follow Jesus did not love him. Did not love him as I thought they should. They weren’t zealous for His presence. They didn’t crave Him as I did. And so my heart of judgement and bitterness grew as they continued in their sinful ways. I tried to change them. But to no avail.
And as I judged them for their lack of zeal I failed to notice my own zeal fading. Though my desire for God was still there it was drained out by the many enticing deceptions and lies of this world. I sought the presence of God but not with my whole heart. I held back some of my heart in reserve for my own passions. In public I appeared to be fully surrendered to Jesus but in secret my inner demons clawed at my heart and tore at my soul. I began to believe the lies. I’ll never change and neither will this world. There is no hope. This darkness will never fully be vanquished. This hate and fear will always consume me. I’m not worthy. These chains are all I will ever know. I am alone. Deeper and deeper my soul plunged into this darkness. I am utterly alone. Could I even call for help?
Deeper and deeper I went believing these lies that I called truth. I was wrong. In the darkness a voice shook me like an earthquake.
YOU ARE MY BELOVED SON
This familiar and recited truth had lost all power long ago. But now it was reborn with new intensity. He shouted it over the screeching of my demons. He whispered it to me in my tormented mind. He spoke it to me though I didn’t believe it. It rained down like a flood till my heart was melted and my eyes were opened again to the love of God. He didn’t stop. He spoke His love for me again and again till it was all I could hear. Till it vibrated through my whole being with each heartbeat. It echoed throughout me till I couldn’t help but fall to my knees and weep.
And as my zeal was renewed in the fountain of His glory and love. I couldn’t ignore His word. His words were beautiful and impossible to resist. They reassured me, bringing vigor to my aching heart. And as hope sparked in my soul He spoke a new word to me. I don’t need your love. But they do.
Loving God above all else had been my whole goal in life. It was what I desired above all things. It had consistently brought me life, healing and unexplainable joy. And this love for God brought Him joy. But it was not complete. In my love for God I had condemned the world and isolated myself from it. But now I was hearing God clear as day: I love this world. I love the people in this world. They need my love. You can’t get them to love me through words, proofs, explanations, or promises of what I’m like. They need my love through you. Love them as I would love them. Love them as you would love me. Love them for such is loving me. They will experience me through you.
As I shook with trepidation at this new responsibility He looked into my eyes, touched my heart, and said, I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS. He told me not to ask for courage but to simply open my heart up to receive His love. This love conquers all fears and drives away all reservations. Yet still I was afraid. I didn’t want to love without holding back. I didn’t want surrender, sacrifice, and a cross. These were not what I had in mind when I pictured the Godly life. I asked if there was another task. But again he touched my heart and I was filled with light and love overflowing. He spoke to me YOU ARE ABLE. I LOVE YOU FOREVER.
With these words water began rising. It rose up in the unlikeliest of places. It pumped through my veins transforming my darkness into light. The demons of my soul were cast out and I was filled. The water satisfies and renews. It gushes forth and desires to burst out of the fountain of my heart. It makes dry bones come alive. It makes the dead walk. It brings the lost home to a Father’s embrace. All those searching, thirsting, and hurting find hope and life in this water. This abundant potential linked to my capacity to love.
And so I have a new purpose. My mind still racing, my spirit still rushing, my soul still awestruck, I looked into His eyes and said: I will love them as you would love them.
(Photo Credits: Pinterest)
