“If God be our God, He will give us peace in trouble. When there is a storm without, He will make peace within.” – Thomas Watson
This blog is going to be a little different than my usual blog. I wanted to share an intimate prayer I had with the Lord a couple days ago. But first, here’s some background. So far I’ve applied for two colleges, I will probably go to one of them, unless the Lord leads me somewhere other than college.
One is Corban University in Salem, Oregon. I’ve heard really good things about this school from friends. I would probably go for a degree in some combination of communication, writing, theology, and ministry. Corban has a Loan Repayment Assistant Program which would take a large weight of my shoulders. To top all of that off I would only be a few hours away from family.
The other school is Bethany Global University in Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is a school I heard about from a couple Racers on my squad whom are going there. It is a school primarily for training missionaries. There are three main degrees: education, entrepreneurship, and intercultural studies (of which I am unsure what I would choose). What makes this school unusual is that during junior and senior year students spend 16 months overseas finishing their degree while doing missions work. Here on the Race I’ve wondered if the Lord might be calling me to long term missions. It would be hard going to this school that’s 25 hours away from home without having clarity from God. But ever since I heard about it I thought it sounded like an awesome opportunity possibly one that God had in store for me.
A PRAYER FOR CLARITY (THE EASY PATH OR THE HARD?)
Lord, I want to follow your will. I will follow your voice. It would be hard for me to go to Bethany Global. I would miss my family overwhelmingly. But that would grow me closer to you; I know it! And you would provide me with community and family there. It would be so hard leaving the country for 16 months but I know it would be so worth it. But make it clear to me Lord. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t want to choose Corban just because it’s easy and “reasonable”. But if you don’t make it clear which school to go to I will end up making the easy choice because that is my flesh. I won’t take the hard path if I don’t know that’s exactly where you want me to go. Lord I am seeking you. Please reveal your will clearly to me.
I know you are proud of me now. But I want to live in a way that I’ll be proud. I want to love you by doing something meaningful for you. Ultimately Lord I don’t just ask what school you want me to go to. I ask what you want me to do with my life? What Lord? There are so many possibilities and yet I have no idea. I want to serve you, but I don’t know in what capacity. Maybe you’re leaving it up to me so that I’ll learn to trust that you are sovereign and leading me even when I don’t feel it. But I ask for clear direction Lord. Reveal your way to me Abba. I call out to you. What would you have me do? I would do anything for you as long as you made it clear.
But maybe you want me to be in a place that I’ll do anything for you even when it isn’t made clear. But that isn’t in my nature Lord. Maybe I need to make that my nature. Whether you are clear or not, I will learn much, I will trust you, I will rest in the fact that you are sovereign and leading me down the right path. It seems to me that it wold take greater faith, greater trust, greater love, and greater sacrifice to do the hard thing even when it is not clear. Now that would make for a story!
Are you calling me to Bethany even now as I write? It isn’t clear. But then again… it feels as if you might be. It would be so hard Lord. But there is nothing like your love. Your love would sustain me.I think you may be calling me there. I don’t know for what purpose; for what degree or what country or what long term plan. But that doesn’t matter. I trust you Lord. But again I ask for clarity. Make it easier on me. But why I am asking for ease? Ease does not do anything but bring fleshly peace and security. I have the Prince of Peace. He is all I need. Even when things are harder, sharper, and completely unknown, I have peace in you.
I don’t want to be a missionary though! I’m not relational. I’m not a people person. I’m an introvert! But I do have a heart for all people. I do have a heart for the Lord. That’s all you need. That’s all it takes to serve you. But what skill-set would I bring? What kind of missionary would I be? I have no clue. But Lord I know you do. The fact that I don’t know forces my faith grow. You don’t require a skill set. Thank you Jesus. You can use me just the way I am. But you won’t leave me this way. You will continue to shape me and grow me and lead me into the skills I need.
How crazy it is that you already know my life! You know what choice I’ll make. You know what I’ll do. You know who I’ll be and what I’ll do. You know my innermost thoughts. You know my desires better than I do and you are hoping to give them to me; if only I choose you! You’ve created me so that all my deepest desires find fulfillment in you. You are my greatest desire Lord. Don’t let me be distracted by the desires of my flesh. Let me seek you completely even if that means giving up everything I know.
Even now my flesh is seeking an excuse to take the easy path. It’s seeking every tiny little foothold and crack it can find in me to make it seem unreasonable to choose the hard thing. But Lord it’s not unreasonable, because I’d be choosing the hard path in faith. Choosing the hard path is choosing life to the full. Why have you chosen me God? What a hard path is ahead of me. But really it’s a path of untold joy and privilege. It’s seemingly long but really it’s short. And it leads to golden halls of glory and everlasting satisfaction. Why have you chosen me Lord? What made you want to choose me? I am nobody. I know nothing. I have nothing. You are lifting me up out of everything I once was. You delight in lifting up the humble. Keep me forever humble; keep me obedient.
I have so many questions Abba. I have so many questions about my future and your will for me. So because of my weakness that is already trying to make excuses, I ask for clarity. But I know that you know best. Whether you make it clear or not I will trust you and follow you to the best of my ability. I will choose you. I will choose the straight and the narrow path. I will choose the difficult path. You are my rock and my strength. Give me the strength to choose you. Thank you for giving me the strength to choose you.
Abba, thank you for the hope of everlasting life with you. Thank you for the hope that I will be satisfied. Thank you for the hope that one day all things of this world will pass away and everything that remains will be of you. Thank you that one day I will be able to look back on this life, on this moment, and see that you were always faithful; that you were always good; that you were always leading me. Thank you that we will have so much to talk about because I chose the straight and the narrow. Thank you that I will be able to look back at my life and be proud. Thank you that I will get to experience an everlasting life of wonder, awe, and whimsy with you. Hallelujah to your name forever and ever! You are worthy of praise! Praises to you, my Lord, my Savior, my King, my Abba.
PEACE IN TRUSTING THAT GOD HAS A PLAN
I’m still struggling with this choice. It seems foolish to choose the hard path without certain clarity. I’m wondering whether I should choose Bethany; it seems foolish almost to do so without more clarity or reason. It seems foolish to choose Bethany when Corban has a degree I’d probably enjoy more and I’d be closer to home. But I can’t shake the feeling that choosing Bethany would launch me into a more purposeful life. Or maybe I just can’t shake the feeling that God wants me to be a missionary; to use the gift of evangelism that people have seen in me on the Race. But I don’t need to go over seas to step into that; I can live misssionally and evangelically here in the USA.
Despite all these questions I have I haven’t been stressed. My gift from God this year is peace. I definitely need this gift as I continue on the Race and prepare for my future beyond the Race. John 14:27 says, “I am leaving you with a gift; peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” How reassuring that is! And if the peace that Jesus gives can’t be given by the world that also means the world cannot take it away. I always have access to peace in the Holy Spirit.
John 16:33 says, “Though you face many trials, have peace because I am with you and I have overcome the world.” Whatever uncertainties and doubts I face I can have peace because Jesus has faced the same things and overcome them! He conquered the world for me! I don’t need to worry because Jesus is always victorious and He is on my side! There is unimaginable peace in this knowledge.
Philippians 4:6-7 says, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Thank you for guarding my heart and mind from worry Jesus. Always fill me with your peace. Lead me in my choices this upcoming year. Clear anxiety and indecision from me and fill me with your Holy Spirit. Let me have confidence in my decisions.
“I have held many things in my hands, and have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.” – Martin Luther
Help me to place all things in your hands Abba. Help me to trust you.
I would love prayers and especially any wisdom that any of you would like to offer. Thanks and God bless you all for caring enough to read through all of my innermost thoughts.
