APATHY
Well, I’m home from the World Race! Wow. Even now, after having been home for 86 days it still seems surreal. The Race is actually over! I started thinking about doing the Race the fall of 2016 so the fact that it’s actually over now is hard for me to comprehend. I really felt the weight of being gone for 9 months. But looking back I can recall so perfectly the feeling of excitement and terror (haha) that first day I left the States and landed in Guatemala.
I thought I was ready to be home. All of T Squad was anticipating coming home for at least a month before leaving Africa. Coming home I expected to be filled with a deep sorrow that would make my heart ache and bring me to tears. I actually wanted that. This fantastical season of my life was over and I still am mourning that. I wanted to cry; to feel deep sorrow and in turn the Lord’s comfort. I wanted to FEEL.
Getting home I was overwhelmed by everything that “demanded” my attention. Internet, video games, social media, family and friends, foods of all kinds, my own bed, the gym, the pool, hot showers, movies and Netflix. I enjoyed being back home with family; with all the comforts the World Race doesn’t afford. But I became numb to the Lord’s presence as I indulged myself in pleasures of the flesh.
I was still “dedicating” a little bit of time to the Lord each day but it did nothing to fill me up. There was a hole in my life. A hole that had been filled with community, mission, and intimacy with God throughout the whole Race. Again in this Christian fishbowl community, I didn’t experience those. I was concerned with only myself and reverted to quick and available pleasures that did nothing for my grieving soul.
RESTORED
Three weeks after being home I headed back to Gainsville, Georgia for Project Search Light. PSL is a reentry, readjustment, week long event for alumni world racers. Man, was it needed! It was so good for me to see all my friends again, be encouraged by them, be poured into by all the staff and their teachings, to laugh and feel joy, but most of all to worship and praise for all the Lord has done in me the past year. The last night of PSL truly felt like the Race was ending, and I did weep. I wept for the ending of such an unbelievable season the Lord had given me. I wept for the lives I’d seen change (including my own). I wept for the friendships that would end here. I wept for the ending of T-Squad and Gap Year 2018. I wept for the ending of something beautiful. I wept because God has been so so good to me this year.
I didn’t really have time to process the emotion of the Race finally being over because I started summer staff right after. I worked on the ropes course, zip line, and swing here at Washington Family Ranch for three weeks. I had low expectations for the session but God really used it in my life. I loved the crew I worked with. We clicked instantly; we joked, laughed, and loved each other so naturally. I could be myself around them without judgment. I loved the job and seeing campers conquer fears. I loved being completely away from internet. I loved the early mornings at the ropes course watching the sunrise as we did daily inspections. I loved the group naps we took before afternoon openings. I loved the late nights working activities for the campers. I loved the 12 hour days on the ropes course. I loved being busy for the Kingdom again! I loved seeing kids I recognized and knew stand up at Say So and tell how they had said yest to Jesus. I loved the community but also the time I found to be alone with God. Beautiful times of meditation and prayer in this beautiful place I get to call home. That month I got to refocus on what really matters: intimacy with God, community with believers, and work for His Kingdom.
Right after summer staff I headed up to Alaska to check out Kingdom Air Corp. Kingdom Air Corp is a missionary aviation school. While I was in Thailand, God had opened that door to me and put missions aviation on my heart. Looking at the school was the next step in following His will for me. I was there for ten days. Most of my days consisted of working in the hanger with the mechanics. I did get to fly a few planes though! I got to experience the community there and talk to several people about missions aviation. Each evening I had plenty of time to worship and pray and seek the Lord’s voice.
Hearing the Lord’s voice has always been a struggle for me. And this week was no different. One night I would feel a peace about going into missions aviation. But then the next morning I would feel doubt and uncertainty. And the cycle continued. Was this the enemy? Or was it just me realizing other interests and dreams I have? Living close to family being one of them. Young Life property staff possibly being another. Or maybe physical therapy, paramedic work, outdoors recreational work, challenge course facilitation. But the biggest thought on my mind was: “What do you want of me Lord?”
Getting back I received some good advice and I’ve now decided to wait and see what the Lord does. I’ve wrestled with whether I just feel obligated to go into overseas missions rather than having the passion and desire to do it. I know the need in the missions field is great but I think my obligation to go far outweighs my passion to go. The Lord will call those needed in the mission field to go. It’s His responsibility not mine. It’s my responsibility to be willing, attentive, and obedient. The Lord will make clear to me what my future holds in His perfect timing. For now I’ve decided to attend Central Oregon Community College to continue my associate of arts degree.
I’m excited to be moving in with my grandparents in Redmond and begin attending college on September 23rd. It will be a very new season of life for me. I’m excited and hopeful for the doors the Lord opens, the interests He piques in me, and the many ways I am sure to grow. I will be tested for sure; but I’m excited for the growth it will spark and the reliance on God it will require.
WAITING…
Looking back on the summer I think that the Lord had great purpose in it being so busy. The first three weeks were rough on my spirit and connection with God. I had enough time to enjoy family but didn’t wallow in mourning because I had PSL to look forward to. PSL was a chance to give the World Race a final goodbye and prepare for life in the States again. Summer staff was a time to re-experience the joy of living for the Kingdom and get back into the Word and set myself up well for intimacy with God in the months to come. Alaska was a chance to see a door the Lord may call me back to and to realize some of my own passions and desires.
I learned a lot on the Race but adjusting to “normal” life has been hard. I’ve hardly even began to process or put into practice things I learned. Realizing the whole scope of what the WR meant to me and how the Lord plans to use it in my life will probably be something that is revealed piece by piece in the months and years ahead. This has seemed like a season of waiting. Waiting to move to Redmond and start the next thing. I’ve been praying and hoping for community there. Community of fellow believers I deeply enjoy and connect with and am encouraged by in my faith. Community that I can be myself around. Community that is open, intentional, and loving.
Even with the few days I’ve had without anything going on I’ve felt the weight of loneliness and lack of purpose. It feels foreign after nine months of continual community and activity. This deep longing for intimate connection and meaningful work would be too much to bear if I didn’t have an amazing family. They really are my best friends.
I’m mourning the Race being over. It’s sad for beautiful things to end. The Race was the best season of my life. But it was just a season. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to see the doors that the Lord opens. He is amazing and getting to follow Him is the greatest privilege.
Thank you all my readers for your continued support, encouragement, and prayers. It means the world to me. If you want to hear more about my Race please don’t hesitate to comment, text, or call me. I’ll keep posting blogs periodically to keep you informed on what the Lord is doing in my life. Y’all are the best!
spikeball with the fam.
evening walk with the fam.
On SS we slept whenever we could. XD
“Click, click, pull pull!”
Got to see two of my WR friends, Caleb and Michelle, in Portland after my Alaska trip.
Our good friends the Hofmanns came for a visit this month.
Erich Hofmann is one of my oldest friends. He grew up here at WFR. What a guy!
Yoga anyone?
Met Braeden’s girlfriend Gabby, (on left). She’s awesome! Follow their instagrams, the_bs_process and gabbyjane.art to see their amazing artwork! They’re both illustration majors.
Just savin’ lives.
Swag fam (minus Braeden).
It’s good to be home.
