“What have I gotten myself into?”, I ask myself as I lie down in someone’s hammock. It is currently somewhere between 1-2am, I can’t sleep, I’m still hungry from the lack of dinner (significantly less than Ethan-sized portions) several hours back. It is starting to get really cold and I did not even bring a jacket or blanket. “It’s Georgia”, I thought to myself while packing, I definitely don’t need a jacket. Leading up to training camp I stayed very busy between the youth group and training my clients at the gym, and just with my social life as well. I guess I never really had time to emotionally process the journey I was about to embark on. And now I am lying here in a hammock in Gainesville, Georgia at training camp to prepare to leave on the World Race. The doubts, the discouragement, and the fear begins to really set in as I lie here thinking. Thinking, which can often be my own worse enemy,
*Proverbs 3:5- “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”.
My mind begins to drift and remember the good times I have had the past year living in Vidalia. The good times at the church working with the youth group, the good times I have had reconnecting with old friends. Being able to workout and play basketball whenever I wanted. Man, “life has been good” I think to myself, as I’m doubting the reasons why I need to leave all of it behind. But I quickly remind myself that obedience to Jesus cannot be at my convenience… or else it’s really not obedience at all.
But wait; where is this fear coming from? Why are these doubts and thoughts of staying in Vidalia surfacing now? I have met everyone that is going to be on my team, and I could not have asked for a better dynamic. I barely know them, but everyone here is here for the right reason I can tell. I definitely don’t enjoy camping and bucket showers, but I have endured in the past. Is my depression coming back? No, I am daily set free from that, that cannot be it. Why is it that I was so excited about the World Race a month ago, and now I feel like I am dreading the day that I leave? Why are my emotions playing tricks on me?! This is frustrating.
Suddenly I begin to smile as I lie here in the hammock, easily past 2:00am now. I smile knowing I won’t get much sleep, knowing I will be even more uncomfortable tomorrow night, knowing I can’t just walk away from this and go home. I smile because I see right through the enemies attack. I smile because I look back and see every time that God moved in a mighty way in my life the enemy always tried to derail me right beforehand. Before I went CCGA, before Africa, before I went to YWAM, before I accepted the job to work with the youth group in Vidalia. I smile because I see past the smokescreen, and I know Jesus Christ is guiding my every step and He is here with me in this hammock. And He will be with me every day, step, and moment throughout this journey and the rest of my life.
And I smile because now I am turning my mind off and saying Yes Jesus you are worth it. You are worth 11 months of camping if that’s what you are asking of me. You are worth me not getting on Netflix, going to the gym, playing basketball, video games, friend groups, dates, air condition, and everything else. Yes Jesus you are worth it. How can I pray for You to work in my life in a mighty way and not expect to sacrifice? How can I ask to see nations of people come to know You Jesus but not expect to hunger and hurt for the hearts that are lost. How can I expect to say and want to mimic Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”, but only believe it when I feel strong?
In short, for the first time in a long time I am very scared. But we know that “perfect love casts out fear”. I really feel like I am on the cusp of Jesus cutting all of the fat off of my heart. It is one thing to work in ministry and live for Jesus. It is another thing for me to yearn, crave, and hunger for Jesus every moment that my lungs still have breath in them. I will gladly die for Jesus one day, however first I need to learn the hard part. How to whole-heartedly live for Jesus completely surrendered and abandoned day in and day out.
Matthew 5:6-“blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied”
I’m hungry Jesus. I’m hungry for You and only You. And no amount of cold bucket showers, sleepless nights in the woods, or days overseas away from home is going to hold me back. I am chasing after your heart in hopes that I just might be in love with you even more and that my heart could be satisfied. You are all I have Jesus. Do whatever it takes to make me more like you and to bring others to know You. Psalms 37:4-“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.
If you made it this far in the blog, I thank you. I will attempt to blog once a week on what happens and what exciting things God is doing in and through our group as we go to 11 different countries in 11 months. We leave October 6ish. Stay tuned for more Ethan episodes.
