These past few weeks have been a lot emotionally, physically, and mostly spiritually. What I mean by all of that is God is starting to open up the junk drawer of emotions that I have been stuffing away for a very long time. With every lesson, God picks something out of the drawer. Saying, let us work through this together. And so we proceed to work through it. Then we get interrupted by other things I have to do that day like laundry, exercise, squad time, etc. So, I tell God let us put back the thing we were working through, and when I have a free moment we can deal with it. Though, by the time I have no distractions, I’m exhausted and do not have the mental capacity to deal with it. Then sabbath roles around. All I want to do is rest, not process hard emotions/ lies that I have been telling myself. So, all of it builds back up again.
Till I woke up one morning and my eye started twitching. I asked God, “Wow! why is my eye twitching? I have been getting sleep, exercising, spending time with you, and just trying to be healthy.” He responded, “you’re overwhelmed.” Ok, I know that but with what. He didn’t answer me. So, my eye continued to twitch throughout the day. I tried processing different things he has been bringing up to me. Thinking that is what is causing my eye to twitch, proceeding to make me overwhelmed. Although that time was fruitful, my eye still continued to twitch, and I still sensed that overwhelmedness that I have been feeling. I was just so tired, and so once more I asked him why? He responded, you are still not trusting me with your emotions, and that’s why I’m not telling you why your eye is twitching or what you are overwhelmed with. You see, God knows me too well in that if I know the emotion that’s overwhelming me. I will try to fix it either, leaving him out of the processes and failing to cope with it, or I will just stuff it into a little box that eventually goes into that already overflowing junk drawer and again failing to cope with it.
He is trying to protect me from what I can’t handle at the moment, teaching me to say, Lord, I trust you with my whole self, including the emotions that I don’t know or understand. That’s hard! I don’t know if I’ve officially given it all to him yet, but He is patient with me and knows that it takes time for me to give it all over. Which is what I’m trying to do. Have you given over everything to God? What are you holding onto? Is that thing that you are holding on to giving you life or death? Ask yourself these questions and ponder them. Until next time Esther Collins.
