(Rest…part 2)
After my time in Malaysia last month, I decided I’d continue my thoughts on this concept of rest.
Japan was wonderful – I had amazing time to quiet my soul, be in the presence of the Lord and know that I cannot function fully unless I am working out of a deep state of rest.
It was needed, beautiful and refreshing.
My month in Malaysia however, looked quite different.
As my first ‘official’ month being a squad leader and with a new team, I wanted to start off strong, invested and focused on pouring into the team.
Far from my ideal scenario, I came out of debrief and into ministry with a bad, deep chested cough.
I thought it would go away soon enough, but as we hit the ground running with ministry and had a week of constant late nights and busyness, I started feeling worse and worse – sore throat, pounding headaches, congestion, exhaustion, stiffness and weariness lingered on like a long winter.
Due to consistent and intense coughing spells, I ended up fracturing a rib by the second week. I have had broken ribs on several occasions before and am well acquainted with the sharp and constant pain that comes along with it. It hurts to breathe deep, to cough, to sneeze, move quickly in any direction, sit up straight, lie down, and the worst of all…it hurts to laugh.
I realized the team I was with had no clue how I was really feeling. They had been completely understanding of my being sick, but did not know me well enough to know that I usually don’t complain about anything and by the time I finally do end up saying something, it is at the point where I am truly in a lot of pain. I also realized the reason they didn’t know my emotional and physical state, was my own fault. I had a fear of appearing weak.
I finally reached a point where I clued them in on what I was really feeling. They all but commanded me to take a few days completely off to rest and heal. I was so thankful for the understanding, encouragement and prayers they poured upon me as I opened up to them.
The following days…off and on during the entire month…I did nothing but lie on my sleeping bag in our room above the church, wrestling with this new version of rest – this vulnerable state of rest.
It was not like my fun month of rest in Japan, soaking in God’s presence during my early morning hikes in the woods.
It felt more like a forceful, ‘You have no choice’ kind of rest. The kind when you are weak and have to depend on others.
The kind that left me:
- Missing out on ministry.
- Stuck in my room all day.
- Unable to workout or even stretch.
- Feeling broken.
- Feeling like I was the “weakest link”.
Similar to the layers of an onion, God started peeling away more pride, dependency on myself, and what my perception of strength is.
He spoke to me lovingly:
Beloved, rest in my presence. Soak in my goodness. I want to embrace you and show you the things that are near and dear to my heart. Continue to ask questions, inquire of me and seek my face. I want you to take risks this month. Stepping out of your comfort zone is where you will encounter me. When times get tough, go to the people, the community I have placed around you.
How could I take risks and get out of my comfort zone when I wasn’t going anywhere besides my bed?
As it turned out, He revealed plenty of ways for me to get out of my comfort zone, including conquering the fear of being vulnerable. I started to open up in more ways with the team and voluntarily sharing my heart instead of waiting to be asked.
He uprooted more hard pieces of my heart to plant more of His fruit.
I was able to overcome the fear of being weak in order to find strength as I learned dependance on the Father and the people He has placed around me.
Through it all, I learned that:
Sometimes rest is difficult and not pleasant.
Sometimes that vulnerable state of rest is exactly where He wants us.
Because sometimes, we are too hardened to hear or change unless we are lying flat on our back, looking up to the Light and all of a sudden,
our perception changes.
