I’ve read the book of Matthew a dozen times due to reading a chapter a day out of Matthew three times every summer, for the last 3 summers at camp. Peter and Jesus walking on water is a classic bible story, yet when I read this passage I feel compelled to yell at my Bible, like guys yell at their TV’s during a sporting event. I want to yell “Peter!!! You are with JESUS, THE Jesus!!! How dare you be afraid of the wind! You are with JESUS!! Why did you take your eyes off of Him?” Little did I know, that bible stories can run parallel to everyday life.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
Being called to God’s plan is as if I saw a ghost, because it is terrifying. It is hard to explain this impulse of being called by God. I didn’t know what to make of it for the longest time, that I was being called for missions. Now I think it might be easier to say I saw a ghost than to tell people I’ve been called by God to go on the World Race.
“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.
On my drive home last week, I was talking to the Lord asking “Ok Lord, if you REALLY want me to do this, I need you to show me a sign. I know I shouldn’t ask for signs, but just I REALLY need a sign…like a bird! Ya God, send me a bird… if thats not hard to ask. So maybe a bird, I’d appreciate…” And sure thing on my route, I passed a business sign with an image of a bird. “Touche God, but you know that’s not the kind of sign I was asking. You LITERALLY gave me a SIGN with a BIRD…” suddenly, a bird flew in front of my truck. “Okay, Okay, you got me there, God. I asked you twice and you delivered. I will be obedient and not question your plan” God-2 Erin-0.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink,
These waves crashed over me telling me I’m not enough, I won’t ever be enough, and I must give up.
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WOOSH a wave of raising $3,500 for my first deadline is difficult, let alone I can’t fathom of fundraising $7,500 by June 12th to leave. Even if I do raise enough for my launch date, how am I going to find enough financial support of $16,000 to stay? Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Why is this just now bothering me, and why is this now such a heavy fear?
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WOOSH a wave when all the July routes received an email saying our launch day got pushed forward 10 days. That’s 10 days I had planned, gone. Now, I have 10 less days with my family and friends. I now have 10 less days to fundraise. I now have no possible way to finish my one and only class left before I leave and therefore, can’t graduate until I come back.
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WOOSH a wave of a fitness requirement of hiking with our pack for 2 miles under 40 minutes. I used to be ridiculously fit, but now I am worried that I will fail the fitness requirement.
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WOOSH a wave of I still don’t have any of my shots or airplane tickets because I haven’t even met my first requirement of fundraising.
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WOOSH a wave that my blogging isn’t my personal best and I want it to be better. I want my voice to transform readers just as other world race bloggers did for me.
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WOOSH a wave that each day, more of my “rah rah” tribe (the people I share my dreams and who believe in me) start notifying me of their doubts. I’ve been told that it’s safer to slowly back out of this call of mine. I can find comfort that at least I got accepted into the program and had the potential to go on the World Race and now I just need to run away from this. To just give up, join the American dream and work 9-5 and be happy in that. Then I can happily extinguish this flame of missions, and just tithe heavily to balance everything out.
If you really want to know how it is preparing for the World Race, envision running the hardest and fastest as possible, yet being glued to the same spot, oh, and all while shopping at Forever 21. That’s how I feel, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to the point of tears in my eyes shouting the loudest prayer I can and I
cried out, “Lord, save me!”
I asked to come out onto the water and walk with Him and I am walking on the water with my king. The waves and wind come over me, and I am panicked, for a fear of drowning. That I am not enough to answer His command. I try to stay afloat and only wishing I had my water wings, floaties, anything not to drown.
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
So here I am, 105 days until launch telling Jesus, ” Sorry, I’d love to but, I forgot to bring my floaties, Jesus. There is no way that I can go walk on the waters with you, because I’m terrified I will drown and even more terrified that I will fail. The waves are huge and mighty, and this is impossible.” Only to hear Him chuckle “Erin, what’s got into you?”
And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” (Matthew 14:25-33 NIV)
So I pray to be not overwhelmed by the fear of the wind of the waves, but to be overwhelmed by the peace of mighty and amazing lord. So I apologize Peter, I’ve always thought my self-righteous self would have handled that situation better, only to find out I did exactly as Peter did in the book of Matthew. We all have waves that frighten us to answer the call to be close with God. So I pray to not be overwhelmed by the fear of the wind and waves, but to be overwhelmed by the mighty Lord who walks on water and shout “TRULY YOU ARE THE SON OF GOD!”
