Before diving into this month, let me backtrack to month one in Cambodia— this country is not sexy, in my opinion. Culture shock hit harder than I ever expected. My living conditions were something I had never (ever) encountered. My computer crashed on day three with no hope of turning back on. Roosters woke us up at 4:30 am almost every morning. I didn’t feel a deep-hearted connection with the ministry and if I’m being really honest, my team and I struggled to find our dynamic. Lastly, I had a weeklong field trip to the hospital that involved surgery and bedpans.
What a way to start the Race, right? First thoughts are probably, “yikes! Plane ticket home, please!” Mine too. Trust me. But here’s the crazy part—looking back, it was an amazing first month.
Yes, we struggled and yes it was hard and I wanted to go home. But wow, God showed up so vividly and so powerfully. He was answering prayers left and right and speaking so loudly I didn’t even know where to start but to just write everything down. The ebb and flow was sweet, even my time in the hospital wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t until it came time to decide whether or not I was flying home that the Lord and I had some disagreements.
Oh how quickly my expectations shot out the window once my squad and I arrived. For starters, I didn’t actually think I was going to experience this country.
To be honest, I didn’t want to be here. I had my heart set on going home to recover after the hospital. I was angry with God for asking me to stay and hated that I needed to say yes to that request. While everyone began their Thai adventures and ministry (that I wanted so badly to participate in), I had to rest and be patient with my body in order to recover properly. This was frustrating.
When it came time to assign ministry to each team we had one of three options: playing with children in the slums, assisting in the café and hostel where we were staying, or bar ministry.
As my team and I had the opportunity to discuss what ministry we were most interested in, we were very open and intentional about where the Lord wanted us for the month. My only request was to not be in the slums since I was still recovering (germs and playing with kids didn’t seem like the best idea). Well, God has a really good sense of humor because leadership felt like this was exactly where we needed to be! Frustration continued.
So as a recap, I’m bitter about being in Thailand, my team and I were just placed in the only ministry none of us wanted, and in the month I’ve needed God to speak the most, He goes silent on me.
“Why am I here, God, why am I here”, was my prayer over and over. I asked for vision. Purpose. A word. A person. ANYTHING. I got nothing. We even had a listening prayer night with the entire squad and both people listening on my behalf had nothing. It was almost funny at this point.
Before arriving in Thailand, I sternly told God that he better take care of me and he assured me that he would, but then I don’t hear from him at all. I didn’t understand. This was new to me and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like God just left me in the dark after He promised me I would be okay. I decided to share with my team what was going on. At this point, I’m mad but trying to be patient.
A few days later, God finally spoke. I was hit with a revelation: he just wants us to be silent together. He wants me to just rest in Him. Be content in Him and just hangout with Him. Everyone has those friends where you can sit in a room or a car ride and be silent for hours and completely content. This is where the Lord wanted our relationship to be. Mind blowing, I know. So, I decided to just shut up and be.
Suddenly, I’m content, joy is restored, and slowly but surely my heart begins to arrive where my feet already are. I could not imagine being in any other ministry than the slums. The Lord is even using a four year old little girl named Kitty to show me that I’m right where He wants me.
Philippians 4:12 is the perfect description of the past 21 days: “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
There’s only one word to sum it up, GRACE. It’s a powerful thing, people, and there’s so much of it for you and me. Looking back on this month, God never left my side. He just wants me to rest in Him. Remember my computer crashing? It miraculously turned back on and it working great. Just a testimony of how he likes to delight in us even through technology.
There’s a reason why I’m still here. There’s a reason why I said “yes” to staying on the race. I’m not sure what my overall purpose is yet, but I know it’s much bigger than myself.
I’m learning how to be content with the Lord not just in the highs or lows but also in everyday life. True fellowship with Him is what He wants. I’m faced with a choice everyday, and everyday I have to remind myself “yes”. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it.
I’m about $4,000 dollars away from being fully funded! Help me continue on this journey by considering donating towards my fund. If you are unable to contribute financially, please pray with me in meeting my next fundraising goal due on November 30th.
*Second photo provided by Kayla Krynski (kaylakrynski.theworldrace.org)
