3 months ago I was waking up every night to a pillow drenched in sweat. 107 degrees in a house that was very much like an oven gave our team quite the opportunity to test our physical limits. A lot of beautiful things happened in Zambia.
Our host was an amazing Zambian family full of ambition and holy spirit. I tasted community in larger groups as 4 teams joined together for a “big girl team”. We dreamed up big dreams with Lweendo and Sanderson and partnered with them with business proposals and graphic design, web design. Between the early mornings of coffee and apple slices with Elaina, the packed kids programs, the late (and long) big girl team times….there was something working.
I remember peaking over at Allison Crasi’s prayer she was writing for a teammate and I noted the verses Romans 12:5 Over the next few days the Lord gave me a vision. Do not be slothful in zeal was a banner over my thoughts that month. What does that mean? What does the Lord need from me?
I’m not someone who over-spiritualizes everything.
I believe the Lord is in everything but not everything is a sign or wonder. I don’t often get wild, obscure visions or themes pressed on my heart.
The vision was of me. as a child.
Little Erin was super energetic. outgoing. bubbly. fearless.
she made friends with everyone, she played joyfully, silly, goofy. she was adventurous, fun, free.
I believed that the reason this memory came back to me was because the Lord wanted to remind me of this: Who I want to be is who I’ve always been. so whats happened in between? Before launch, I had some extreme dispositions towards AIM and really was already disengaged with the organization.
My eyes were set on the mission of the trip and not conforming to this organization, of whom I didn’t completely agree with.
I was known for being accepting of everyone except Christians.
Christians were so annoying to me. I didn’t believe in the western christian culture or odd cultural privileged attitudes and i wanted to be ANYTHING but them. I was jaded and guarded.
I’ve noticed that theme in my college town of Boone too. After some searching and prayer I was able to locate the time period of when things really started to close off. I pushed away a lot of people in Boone because of the hurt I experienced specifically in the charismatic church. People had to earn their friendship with me. I deemed everyone FAKE until proven otherwise. Totally unfair but true.
The same happened with my squad. I started off already guarded and judgmental towards them. I remember showing up to training camp (drained as ever) and having (my current friends) Hannah and Nicole beep boop over in my direction with their disgustingly wide smiles and giggly energy. They offered to help me set up my tent and I was like, no. in my head I was like, *literally just go away*
I get defensive around giggly smiley sweet cutesy people because I know that people want me to be more like that.
And I want to be nothing like that.
Fast forward, I knew my judgement would make things difficult and at the core of who i am, I want people to feel comfortable, loved, and happy. I just didn’t know how to get there after years of over-identifying with being “NOT that christian girl” as in, NOT typical, NOT cookie-cutter, everything authentic, nothing forced.
I knew this 11 month trip would come with its gifts and trials.
I knew these walls would have to be torn down. I didn’t know how, when, or where to begin.
Turns out the Lord was there the whole time holding my hand, walking me towards ….me.
— fun nugget. I *totally dispise* when people say “I’VE SEEN SO MUCH GROWTH IN YOU”. It’s a pride thing, but that communicates to me “I’m so happy you finally became a version of you that I like, or that I approve of”. Nothing about that makes me feel like people wanted me for me (messy or not). It feels like I am only worth it if I fit category ” _______”. This ideology has led me to unconsciously reject change and reject refining from the best refiner, our FATHER!
So..This vision was on my mind for quiet a while.
Who I want to be is who I’ve always been.
Who I want to be is who I’ve always been.
Who I want to be is who I’ve always been.
instead of
Who I want to be is not who I am meant to be.
I’m in Cambodia now. Isn’t that crazy. I’m on a new team.
I’ve seen Malawi and Vietnam since Zambia. And things are finally falling together. I didn’t have to figure it out. It was being worked out all amongst the chaos and stillness.
My X Squad met up with a Gap Z Squad in Siem Reap.
For those who are unaware. My squad is 11 months, ages 21-35. We are on the older end for sure. Gap Year participants are on the field for 9 months and are 18-20. Uniting with this squad was unique and beautifully transformative.
I was cautious as I usually am. I was interested to see if I would be competitive or protective.
I was shocked. We all just showed up.
Gap Z was incredibly beautiful and kind. There was not a moment where I resorted back into my defense mechanisms of protectiveness and defensiveness. I felt confident. I felt at ease. I felt sure.
At first, I had a few gap year people speak encouraging words over me. They prayed for me.
They told me I was peaceful.
patient.
a good friend.
then they told me I was bubbly.
outgoing.
welcoming.
lively.
they told me I was warm,
that I made them feel welcome.
I tried not to be shocked but internally i was like ???? whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
Instinct told me to deny or show my shock, like “WHAT! NO WAY! that’s crazy, totally not what people think”
But my soul just took it, it resonated, it made sense, it felt real, it felt right.
Like, what? but also, WAIT YEAH, that is me.
All of these things has been working behind the scenes and colliding right in front of me.
This isn’t who I’ve become, this is who I’ve always been.
I haven’t seen her, that version of me, in a while. I’ve been hurt.
Little Erin dancing in a field of dandelions, playing in the forest. spunky. silly. sassy. bold. giggling at little things. talking to everyone. inviting all. exuding warmth. sharing adventures. bringing peace. being patient. laughing.
I’m not sure what this season holds. But if the next 5 months are anything like the last 6, I’m in for quite the revolutionary journey.
I love how the Lord speaks, sometimes so softly. In the waiting, his promise came to pass.
Now I can get back into my skin, not denying what I’ve been through, not being childish or ignorant, still being resourceful and rational, but also pairing up with who I’ve always been..
I’ve changed a lot over this months. In little ways that have added up to tsunami waves. Suddenly the rules of AIM no longer annoyed me. I no longer cared to reject them. I just accepted that I’m under their structure and leadership and If i want to have the best experience, I can just go along for the ride. They have the best intentions and seriously don’t ask that much of us.
Im resurfacing and evolving.
It’s possible. And my eyes are opened to that now.
