Writing this because someone might need it. Because at one point, I needed it. And I might need it again someday.
Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a cycle? Maybe it’s a cycle of doubting yourself and getting so close to taking that big step and leap of faith and the backing out at the last second? Or maybe it’s a cycle of letting someone manipulate you into doing things you don’t really want to do, when you know you are the only one with the power to do anything about it? OR. MAYBE. You’ve found yourself time and time again doubting Gods goodness. His faithfulness when things turn dark- or even just when things aren’t going exactly how you would have originally planned / hoped.
You see Him clearly when you’re in a fruitful season, when it is obvious where His hand is over your life. But can you say the same about the seasons of pruning and dryness? (Uh, preaching to myself here, friends.)
Questions have clouded my mind over the last 9 months or so. Questions I felt like I couldn’t have because I was supposed to be leading other (younger) people, I was supposed to be an example. I was supposed to have it at least kind of figured out.
I questioned and doubted so much in that season, but the biggest and hardest of all (for me) was doubting Gods goodness when [because] I was feeling such heartache and also a feeling of abandonment by people I held close to my heart. How could everything be so perfect one day and then suddenly be stripped away? Why would a good Father do that?
Because He wanted more of me. Because I was comfortable, and just going through the motions. I was “where I was supposed to be”, and my faith was becoming stagnant. I was no longer searching and striving to learn more daily, and was content with where my relationship with Him was.
I begged for Him to give me back what I once lost, what I longed for. The community I had, the life I had walked away from. But the damage had been done. I couldn’t turn off the noise in my head, and I began to wrestle fervently with the Lord. I walked away completely, said I was done and that was that.
Or so I thought.
I pushed away, and I blocked out Love… but He would not let me go. Really, His pursuit of me only intensified. I began to meet people I now see as family, and gained a support system that was right around the corner from me this entire time. I became surrounded by love. I read scripture. I asked hard questions. I learned. I prayed, and cried, and called out to the Lord. And slowly my eyes and heart were opened to see His glory in the mess that I had made. His faithfulness in a season where I questioned where He even was.
I learned more about our great Father in my driest season than I ever could have imagined. I was given a greater perspective, and could feel a shift deep inside me. My faith grew abundantly, and I found people who were so quick to walk through the trenches with me. People who are still so very near and dear to me.
And God was right beside me. He was guiding me, and He never. let. go.
So whatever it is that you’re wrestling with, or stuck in a cycle of doing (or not doing), I encourage you to lay it down at the foot of the Cross. Ask God to reveal Himself to you. He has called you where He has called you, and He is walking with you through every season of your life- whether you can see it clearly or not.
Also know that I will always be quick to jump right into your mess and cry, pray, and praise with you, whoever you are and wherever in the world you are. You’ve got me.
All of my love,
– E
