The roof at our ministry has a breathtaking view of 2 of the volcanoes here in Guatemala. On a clear day, you can even see the lines and gullies on the sides of them. I never fail to be shocked by the beauty of the volcanoes every time I step onto the roof.
But, there are some days when the clouds completely cover them from view, so much so that sometimes I doubt that they are even there.
And today while sitting on the roof, I realized that the same unsure feeling and doubt also creeps into the way I view my Father and his goodness.
A year ago I felt the Lord asking me to give up my desires for a season. I felt him telling me to say no to living in a house with my best friends, to say no to becoming a Young Life leader, to give up a relationship I wanted. I was angry and I fought with the Lord.
Giving up those things for this season, has created doubt that the Lord will restore them. Right now, sitting on my friend Aidyn’s bunk, in the middle of Guatemala, it feels like the Lord will never restore the dreams I have back in the states. And while I recognize that being here is incredible and such a blessing that I am so thankful for, it is not something I desired to do, it was simply a calling I said yes to. And saying yes to the race meant saying no to other things.
I think sometimes when you see into my life from the outside, it may look like I always have faith and that I am a Christian woman who is always happy. But, the reality is that just like how I doubt that the beautiful and grand volcanoes are there when I cant see them, I sometimes doubt God’s goodness and faithfulness when I am not experiencing it in the way that I want for myself.
I often see the clouds and doubt that God’s promises are really on the other side, even though I have seen them. I often see the clouds and think that God will never restore the desires of my heart, even though he has done that.
I see the clouds and I doubt.
But, in the doubt, I am reminded of God’s abundant grace. I am reminded of his fervent promises, ones that always come to fruition and ultimately completion. I am reminded of his unrelenting desire to see his daughter filled with joy.
I am reminded that through it all he really does know what I need. He has the steps of my life planned, he had them planned before I was even a thought in my mom’s mind. He knows what I need and where I need to be. And he does hear, see, and know my desires. He is my Father and he wants me to ask for things, he wants to give them to me. But he knows when to give things and when to hold back on things. He knows when I need to just see what is right in front of me and be present in it, and he knows when to reveal my future to me.
I see the clouds and they keep me present. I see the clouds and they remind me of the promises that await me on the other side.
