If I wander ’til I die

I’ve been missing home lately but I find that even the concept of home seems elusive now. I’ve been gone for nine months and home is different now. The lives of the people I love have changed. Our coaches have told me that part of the race is realizing that our world goes on spinning no matter where we are on this big old globe and I’m finding that is true. The lives of my family and friends are not on pause just because I’m not there to witness the excitement or share in the sorrows. Just in the past few months I have had to mourn the unexpected death of a dear friend and mentor along with her young daughter in a car accident. Being away from my home and community during this was hard not just because it was a personal loss but because so many people I love were (and still are) hurting and I couldn’t be there to hold them while they wept. Despite living in a very supportive community here on the race, I still wanted the support and wanted to give support to my community at home. I have also had dear friends begin new relationships and be engaged while I am away and ones that have had babies and that is a different challenge in trying not to believe that I am missing out on something. I am confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now because I believe God has called me here but it is hard to confront the idea of not being around for once in a lifetime events in the lives of my dearest friends.

Last night I was having dinner with a group of Americans and Germans and one of the Americans was trying to explain the phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” to a German who did not understand the concept at all. “You can’t have everything you want,” is what it boiled down to and that is exactly where I am right now. I want the life of a world-traveling missionary but I want the full life of richness in community with consistency. I want to be there for all of the joys and the sorrows, but I don’t want to miss out on what God is doing outside of the US because it too has a richness and a depth and a mystery that I can’t fully appreciate unless I’m living it.