This month, I’ve walked miles on the dirt roads of Chinaendega’s rural villages. Each day, we travel to a new village with new people and walk new roads to share new hope but the stories are all the same. Shame, guilt, and discouragement are written on the faces of the people we talk to. They are trapped by rules and works and have never known the love and care of God.
Last week, we were asked to do ministry in a fishing village right along the beach. It was a beautiful sight as we walked along the sand roads past colorful fishing boats and into yards filled with bright green birds and mango trees. The pastor that we were working with walked us to a house that was set back off the road. It’s yard wasn’t pretty like the others. There were no vibrant green plants all over the entrance and the only animals in sight were a few skinny dogs. The grass was brown and dry and the roof made of reeds was starting to break at the edges. My squad mates Kendra, Nayelly and I followed the pastor right into the covered cooking area where a woman was bathing a baby in a small utility sink. She nodded as we walked up but didn’t pursue conversation as a man, who we assumed was her husband, emerged from behind the house. He greeted us warmly and was followed rather slowly by another woman who looked to be in her mid thirties. The pastor and man started to talk quickly in Spanish and as they talked, the woman’s eyes fell to the ground. She kicked the dirt around her feet and when she did glance up, the shame and hurt in her eyes was so real and overwhelming.
We eventually find out that the pastor and man were talking about how the woman hasn’t been to church in awhile and they don’t know what is wrong with her. Their exact words were, “this is Sonya who hasn’t been to church and has fallen into a bad kind of life and we have no idea why she is like this.” At these words, I felt this overwhelming sense of shame and I knew that I was feeling what this woman was feeling. Her eyes would barely meet ours as we tried to start a conversation.
We told her about God’s love, how it never changes or leaves based on what we do. We told her about our own lives and how God had pursued us when we deserved His love the least. She nodded but her eyes were so full of rejection and guilt. As we started to pray for her, God gave me a picture of a mother and her children. The children were running all over the place and ignoring her calls but still the mother pursued her children and loved them just as much when they ignored her as when they were sitting in her arms. God’s love for Sonya is the same way! I shared this with her and her eyes filled with tears. God is so fiercely in love with her and so set on pursuing her but her shame ran so deep, pulling her further and further away from her Father’s arms.
As we turned to leave, I felt a pang of hurt. I wanted to do so much more for this precious woman. Who would be there to love her and encourage her and speak freedom over her? I hugged her and prayed silently that love would somehow pierce through her heart. As I turned to go, God brought the song “Heart Like Heaven” by Hillsong to mind. There is a verse that says, “If you sought perfection, I’d die trying to reach it. But this broken heart is all You want”. God wants Sonya’s broken heart. He is running after her heart that is hurt and full of shame. Just as he pursues me, He’s longing just to have her heart, no matter what state it’s in. He wants to lift her eyes from the dirt floor.
I left that village feeling so much pain for Sonya but even as we drove home, God continued to remind me of how strong His pursuit is. It’s something He has been showing me in my own life this month and as the Nicaraguan country side flew by, a peace came over me that He was running after Sonya just as much as He runs after me. He is not dissuaded from loving us by our mistakes or our performance. Come as you are and He will meet you right where you’re at. He loves us for who we are, not who we could be someday. Sonya is not forgotten, nor is she left alone in her shame. The greatest lover of all time is right there, lifting her chin and pouring grace and hope over her that is enough for even the most broken of hearts.
