Earlier this week, I stood at the front of a classroom of 2nd graders attempting to teach them the different parts of a book. This is the author, this is the table of contents, this is the publisher etc. I hadn’t gotten more than 30 seconds into these explanations when a very loud chorus of “play hide and seek! Play hide and seek! YOU PLAY HIDE AND SEEK!” The little boy who was now screaming at me from behind his desk could not be persuaded to stop. His screams got louder and louder until I was finally able to strike a deal with him that if he would finish our assignments for the day, we would play hide and seek at lunch.
After regaining some semblance of order, we continued on with the worksheets we had for the day. I explained and drew pictures and wrote all of the meanings on the board. Then it was time to answer the questions on their papers. We hadn’t gotten much past the first question when I hear the same voice slowly rising in volume, “I don’t know how! I can’t do this! I DON’T KNOW HOW!!” he screamed. I sat down next to him and tried to explain the question but he would not stop telling me how he just didn’t know how. No matter what I said or how I approached the question, he wouldn’t stop talking long enough to even hear the help that I was offering him. He had convinced himself that he couldn’t answer the question and he was so caught up in what he thought he couldn’t do, that he couldn’t hear the help and affirmation I was giving him.
As I sat there collecting myself and trying to think of a way to help, I felt conviction in my spirit. How many times had I screamed at the Lord, “I can’t do it! I don’t know how” as He was literally telling me the steps to take. How many times had I been so caught up in my own deficiencies and my own frustrations that I had completely ignored the loving instructions and wisdom from the Father? I could think of numerous times in the past 2 weeks where I had asked God for help and then turned away from His response because it seemed too far fetched or just too hard. I have definitely had my own chorus of “I can’t do it” that I’ve been singing even this past week.
Since being in Costa Rica, God has revealed a lot about the gifts He has given me, specifically about His power in me through prayer. Through His Word, circumstances, and the words of others, He has been speaking power and authority over me. Each day, He is giving me incredible opportunities to pray big prayers and believe for big things for myself, my team, and the people we are ministering to and with. He has also continued to grow me in hearing His voice and stepping out in confidence when He gives me words, visions, or insight for His children. However, over the past few days, I have definitely found myself screaming, “I don’t know how” so loud that I can’t even hear the discernment He’s giving me and the wisdom He is pouring into my life. I’m hearing His words but something in me says that I can’t possibly be hearing right so I continue to scream that I can’t.
God is asking me to step out further with Him this season. Some days I’m flying along ready to follow Him anywhere. Others, I would rather sit at my desk and scream. The big truth that has been replaying in my mind today is that none of this is about me. When I scream that I can’t and question God’s voice and His guidance, I’m putting all of the focus on me and what I can’t do, rather than on God and what He is doing. I don’t want to spend my life screaming that I can’t while God is patiently and clearly saying “I’ve made you for this! Yes you can!”
