Joy Amidst a Broken Heart. Part 1

This may be one of the most difficult writings I’ve ever authored. Expressing emotion has never been one of my strong suits and I’m about to do a whole lot of it. For whatever reason, I usually would just prefer people not know how I’m feeling and figure out how to deal with it myself. I’m stubborn that way. But, with the 5 PM Thursday deadline for attending training camp rapidly approaching, my support account still sitting around $1,000 short, and my mind suffering from a failure to repress thoughts of having to switch to a January route, I thought maybe it was time to share my heart in going on this mission with all of you in one last attempt at helping anyone understand who is still wondering “Why? Why missions? Why September? Why the World Race?” It might be lengthy but here goes nothing (or everything, rather).
 
I’m actually not even sure where to start, so first I’ll give a piece of my own testimony. To give a fair warning, I’m brutally honest when it comes to my own story. I’ll try to make it as brief as I can, but Jesus didn’t hold anything back when it came to me, so I refuse to hold anything back in telling others of His glory in my life.
 
I lived 21 years without knowing God; as a kid I did the whole Sunday school and church camp thing and mostly stayed out of trouble, but I never truly experienced the joy that comes from a relationship with Jesus. As I grew older, I began trying to put my identity in EVERYTHING the world had to offer-sports, friends, family, approval, outward appearance, reputation, you name it I searched there. Beginning my senior year in high school and continuing into my years at WVU, my life went into a downward spiral of identity in substance abuse, unwise relationships with males, and selfish ambition. Although I did an excellent job of appearing to have it all together on the outside, without even realizing it I had become consumed by self-destructive and self-centered behaviors. The repercussions of my actions on other people were just irrelevant to me. My happiness was all that mattered and I’d do just about anything to get it.
That all started to change in the fall of 2010 when I became close friends with someone who invited me to a Bible study in early/mid-September. I’d be lying if I said the first time I went I wasn’t a little scared and apprehensive, but totally intrigued. I kept going back to the study, which led to to a Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru) meeting, which led me to Cru’s Fall Retreat in October. When I’m asked, that weekend is where I pinpoint my life taking a turn. I remember so vividly singing “Love” by the Bridge Band and “Came to My Rescue” by Hillsong and crying (what felt like uncontrollably but in reality was probably pretty unnoticeable) as all the guilt, all the shame, all the embarrassment, self-doubt, hatred, discontentment, anger, DARKNESS, and fear fell off my shoulders. I was always capable of giving the “Sunday school answers” that God loved me and Jesus died for my sins, but that day was the first time I had ever actually felt the love, forgiveness, redemption, and healing of the Lord. It was the most freeing feeling I’ve ever had.
Since then, He has given me the strength to make huge strides in turning my life around and to live the life he intended for His children. Sure, there are things that are a part of the old me that I still struggle with every day, but my soul is at rest in knowing that Jesus has already overcome the world and far exceeded anywhere I fall short.  I realize now that, first of all, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done in your past; when you’re ready to take that step of faith and put your trust in God, He’ll be there with arms wide open. And second, everything I was finding my worth in—substances, relationships, whatever else I was seeking out to make me feel good—only gave me temporary happiness, and a lot of times it didn’t even give me that. But now that I know Christ, I’ve just got true, continuous joy. For me, it took finding God to show me how broken I was and how broken we all are. But at the same time, He showed me how He can help us defeat that brokenness so that we can spend forever by His side in Heaven and there’s not a thing on this earth that can take the place of that.
 
So there you go, a little peek inside the life of Erin Shepherd. I could go into infinite more detail, but the “overview” should do for now. Now you can see, if you read my “About Me” section, why the word I use to describe my life and walk with the Lord is redemption. Here I was, totally unaware of the deep pit of sin that engulfed me, and the good and perfect Lord chose to rescue me with His truth. It’s almost unbelievable.
 

 
As I’ve written this, I’ve decided it may be best to split this into two separate blogs, part one being the testimony I just shared and part two fulfilling the ACTUAL purpose of this blog, which was to explain my choice of the World Race. Otherwise, it was gonna be one insanely long post. I think most of what needs to be covered here has been, though, so go ahead and continue to part two and learn about my heart for this mission (and the title of these blogs) (: