Well, I’m not really even sure what I just did. I suppose I can stick to the truths and choose to believe the ones that have yet to settle. I saw some of the world, I met a lot of people, I was challenged in ways that I couldn’t avoid, and God gave me a chance. A chance to see what life in the light is like.
What I know – there is a lot of bad out there.
But the good is definitely winning, y’all. It isn’t ignorant to choose to believe that.
There is an everlasting God who promises that He is good. So, I trust that His plan is big enough to fit the life I’ve seen, and help me see it a little bit more.
Since He is an everlasting God, He has everlasting depth for us to discover. I am finding more and more that this depth is explored most intimately in the dark night of the soul. Glory is weighty. Glory isn’t some whimsical, flippant halo. Glory is intimate knowledge of the complexities on this earth, dark and moving and brave and willing. Knowing the dynamics of majesty more and more is to see more of God. This place…these places…are found in the trial. The murder. The hunger. The spiritual warfare. The confusion. The silence from God. These places must be explored in order to come into intimate knowledge with the heart of God.
Glory carries a weight far beyond the surface we travel, and the surface longs to ignore the pain and the darkness. It’s a place that doesn’t make sense to us on the surface. It calls us into depth. It forces our understanding to expand in ways that will never retract. And we know, deep down, that we won’t unsee or unknow those complexities of glory once we see them. Forever changed. Therefore, forever aware of darkness.
We must know this. Not to focus on that. But how much more does one appreciate a debt forgiven when they’ve had much to forgive? I’ve learned that I had to see these things this year. I had to experience pushing through the challenge of love. I had to guess on where to go next and tell people it was faith. I had to go to Chiang Mai. I needed to be in Zambia. I needed to make severe mistakes there.
With those dark sights, comes a greater respect for the magnitude of God Almighty. To see evil is not to look at evil, but to be astounded by the Good surrounding it. Defeating it. Closing in on it. It’s never for the worship of darkness. But to say that glory has no dark side to it would be childish and unknowing of it’s veracity and wholeness.
I know that I don’t know much. After seeing more, I’ve realized how much I don’t know. I don’t even know anything about the things I think I know.
But what I’ve come to practice is patience for myself. What I’ve come to count on is receiving grace for and from myself. And what I’ll do next is…rest. Because of what I don’t know. I am still on the surface, grazing a second layer of the weight of glory. And I can’t tell you what this past year was for me. I can’t give you an accurate summation with such profound resolution. I can’t fully break down or organize my thoughts and feelings about this dynamic majesty that I caught a glimpse of this year.
But I’ve learned patience. And there’s grace. And I’m choosing to Abide and Rest in Him. Believing that I did the best I knew how to do. I fought hard for others and myself. I fought hard. I ran hard after what God wanted and I sought Him out with everything that I knew I had. I gave this thing a fighting chance and tried to love myself through it. I saw God do crazy things this year and He used me for everything He knew He would. I’m not sure if I know this yet, but I am choosing to believe it. And as I come home, crawl into my bed, and sift through the memories – trying to conceptualize the glory of Jesus Christ more and more – I’ll be patient. I’ll have grace. And I’ll rest. Even and especially when I’m not figuring it all out right and right away.
I love you, Lord. I love you and it has taken me 2 years to believe that myself. But you knew all along that I love you. I don’t know what you showed me this year, just yet. I don’t know what you have next, just yet. I am very aware of the potential for some hard days in the next season. But I also remember a day where I thought this whole thing was impossible for me and not an option for my life. I also remember how there was no chance or hope of me leaving the world behind to find the place where You and I meet. I remember when there was no way I would actually go through with this and get all of the money and time to do it. And now we’re here. You’ve turned the bitter into sweet. You’ve taken my hardened heart and harsh defenses and replaced them with deep desires of my heart…gentleness and kindness. Father, You have loved me with such heavy hands and You have chosen me. One of countless. Just to be with You. Thank You for giving me Hope. And thank You for giving me the courage to choose Hope again. I pray that I wait with joyful confidence in You and what You’re doing. I trust You. I praise You. I need You. You have all of me and whatever else You would desire. In Your Son’s Abiding name I pray. Amen
2 Corinthians 3:18
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.
